Losing a part of me

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  • Day 324

    Yesterday was the first day that I remember that I did not eat or drink anything off my program. I had a meal replacement shake for breakfast, my usual lunch, a meal replacement shake in the afternoon and that was it. It was my intention to have another shake in the evening, but I got distracted; by the time I realized I was allowed one more, it was 11:15pm, and I have never been happy the following morning when I had something to eat late at night. Princess Sophie spent the evening at Charlie’s next door, so she had a good time. I am still very down but trying to get focused.

    I started the day yesterday optimistic. That did not last. I had a lot of work to do, so it was three o’clock by the time I got up and went out. I had to go back to the lab to get more blood drawn. I was going to get an x-ray of my knee, but by the time I was done at the lab, the radiologist was not taking any more patients for the day. I guess I have another trip to make down there before my next doctor’s visit, which is in two weeks. I did drop my prescription for the anti-inflammatories off at the pharmacy, for when I am going to run out.

    When I came home, I realized that the video I had been downloading for my learning was complete, but I had accidentally recorded it (and the last two) without sound, which means that I have to start over from the beginning. Crap. I started it again and will be done in a few more days. Just one more thing that went wrong this week.

    I got an interesting offer for a contract today, which would have been a great opportunity. It would actually have been a full-time job with a company that would in turn have been contracting me to another company. The problem is that the opportunity started with ‘Are you willing to relocate to New York City?’ While I would be for the short term, I am hoping that once my visa comes through, I will be relocating to Texas to live with my wife. The search continues.

    I did accomplish all of the goals I set out for myself today. It took longer than I thought to properly translate my CV into French. Once it was done, I sent it off… or at least I thought I did. A couple of hours later, my contact responded that there was no attachment. Sigh, how often have we done that? Okay, it is sent.

    Today’s plan is to stick to the program again. Eduardo and I had discussed going to the sports bar to watch the World Cup, but when we talked in the evening, I think I convinced him that watching it at his apartment with cigars was a better plan. The real method to my madness is that at his apartment, I am less likely to cheat. I will bring a meal replacement shake with me, and a few cigars. If Eduardo does entice me with food, I know that it will be relatively healthy, and that I can control the portions.

    I have given some thought these last few days to revising my program to be orthodox – five meal replacements per day, no other food. If I cannot get through the next few days without cheating, then I am going to drop the hammer on myself and do that. I hope it does not come to that. If I can get back on the downward weight trend, losing weight consistently, then I will not have to do that… yet. It is a tool that I have in my arsenal in case I cannot get back on track. I know that if I want to force myself back on track at some point, it will be there.

    The bathroom scale was, once again, quite kind to me. I know that is because I was strict on my program, but I also know that there have been days when I have been good, and still unhappy the following day. As it stands, I am now .2 lb. from tying my best-weight-yet, and I am now 8.2 lbs. from achieving my goal of losing one hundred pounds in the year 2022. With three weeks left to go, I am hoping and praying that I will be able to stay true to the program, and actually achieve that goal.

    Speaking of goals, I am going to add a second one to my short-term list. While the New Year is three weeks away, the one-year anniversary of my embarking on this journey is forty-two days away. I would like to be able to claim a 50 kg loss in that time. The difference between 100 lbs. and 50 kg is little over 10 lbs… or 4.7 kg. That means that I have 12 kg to lose in just over 40 days… 26.5 lbs. Can I do it? Maybe… but it will be a challenge. I am going to try for it, but if I do not succeed, then I will at least not be a total failure; to lose 47kg in a year is still no mean feat!

    I am off to watch the football. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 323

    The last few days have been among the hardest emotionally in recent memory. I am hoping that today I will start to feel a little better. As I keep saying to myself (and to a couple of others), I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. There is really no other way for me to go forward. I am hoping that today will be the day that I do not feel as bad about myself, and that my mood starts to improve.

    My weight on the bathroom scale reflects somewhat better than my recent mood and fatalism my dedication to losing weight. To read my journal, to read my Facebook, it would be easy to extrapolate that my weight would be up five pounds this week. In fact, according to my bathroom scale (not the most trustworthy of sources, but mostly a good indicator of progress and trends) my weight is actually down from last Thursday. It has not been a direct line down, but it is in fact down. I have had many reasons to give up this week; the fact that I have not thrown in the towel is not only the greatest indicator that I am serious and dedicated to eventually attaining my goals, but it is also a testament to the fact that I know that whatever external forces or resources or supports I usually rely on, there is only one person and one person only who is responsible for my success, and to whom I am ultimately answerable.

    I remember one time, some twenty years ago, when I was trying to lose weight. I would eat things that I should not have, and for reasons that confound reason I figured that if nobody else knew about my cheating then it was okay. Again, whatever external influences I might have, there is no connection between what I tell others and whether I succeed or fail. By that rationale: If I am lying: if I tell people that I am going out to splurge on pizza and wings with a pitcher of beer, when in fact I am going home to have a meal replacement shake and another bottle of water, then I will continue to lose weight. On the other hand, if I tell people that I am sticking to my program, yet I am really splurging on whatever culinary indulgences that I might, then I will continue to gain weight. My body is as illiterate as it is deaf, and it cannot be fooled by words, whether spoken or written down. Put another way: the only factors that my body cares about with regard to my weight loss is my actual food intake and my actual physical activity. ‘Hey, I walked five miles!’ Those words mean nothing to my body. Walking five miles matters.

    I had to point out to someone yesterday that I write this journal for myself, and not for anyone else. Why do I write it for myself? I write because it allows me to check in, on a daily basis, what I have done right and what I have done wrong on any given day, which means that I can look back to any given week to see what worked and what did not… as well as how my emotions and other external factors might affect my weight loss. If that is the case, why do I share? I share because when I do well, I can inspire others… and when I fail, I can show people the truth of the old Japanese proverb about falling down and getting up. Yes, I fail… but I do not give up. Am I an inspiration to others? I do not know. Are my successful days an inspiration to myself? I hope so; I also hope that my unsuccessful days are a reminder to myself that I need to work harder and to do better.

    The plans for today are simple. I have been asked by a potential customer in Montreal to translate my curriculum vitae into French, and that will take up a few hours. Yes, I speak and write French… but writing it (and especially translating it) is not my strongest skill. I have to continue downloading videos of a class that I sat a few months ago, which I want to re-watch (or continue to re-watch) so that I can pass the exam. That is a much more drawn-out process than you might think… the videos are not shared in a downloadable format. I have to stream them (real time) and record them. In other words, the sixty hours of video will take sixty hours to download… and the ones that I recorded over the last couple of days corrupted, so I have to start from zero today. I have some studying to do for another certification I plan to take, as well as looking into passing an exam that I do not think I will need to study for. I have been told by two training brokers that I will be hearing from two different customers for interviews and to present demo teaches, which is easy for me… but depending on the asks of the customers must be prepared in advance. Okay, that’s long and drawn out, but relatively simple.

    In short, I have a lot of things to do today… and while they are all time consuming, none of them are particularly difficult. I am glad for this because the only saying about idle hands and devils are true… the busier I am, the less likely I am to fall off my wagon. Busy days are good. Tomorrow will be a little more challenging – Eduardo and I will be getting together to watch the World Cup and will likely be going to a bar to watch the second match (Argentina vs. Netherlands). The first match (Brazil vs. Croatia) is also an interesting match-up, but the bars around us do not open in time for the start. As a long-time Argentina supporter, the second match is the one I will be cheering, so when Eduardo suggested going to a bar, I agreed. That does not mean that I will be cheating. I have found that it is easier to not cheat when it is obvious – hey, I should not order beer or wings. I am more likely to cheat when it is subtle… there is a bowl of peanuts pretzels or whatever, so having a few won’t matter. My goal: DO NOT CHEAT.

    If all goes well, I might go to the gym this afternoon… as long as I get all of my work done. Remember, I do not need to be sitting and watching the video streaming in order to capture it, so it is only the other things that I need to get done. I will work on them… and I will work on trying to get back into the gym today. I also have my check-in call with my diet buddy today… I have

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 322

    It was touching when a friend reached out yesterday to see if I was okay. She mentioned that she rarely visits my blog, but for some reason she did yesterday. She was worried about me. I have to be honest, I am worried about me too.

    This has been a very busy morning, starting at the doctor’s office (where I weighed in 2kg less than two weeks ago), and discussing a number of issues with him. One of the more aggravating issues we discussed was my blood work that I took over the weekend. Everything looks good… I am not diabetic, my cholesterol is fine, yada yada… but the vampires forgot to test my uric acid levels, which was exactly the reason I went to have my blood drawn in the first place. One day later this week I have to go back, for no good reason other than the lab screwed up. I confess I am not too keen to go. It is not because I like the pain caused by gout – trust me, I do not – but because I just don’t care about myself very much right now. I just don’t give a damn.

    Yes, I am writing from a place I seldom write from. I do not remember a time in recent memory where I was so down, and I have no recourse. I have nobody to turn to. I just do not think anyone really cares right now. I am hurt down to my soul, and I do not know how to get out of it. None of my usual avenues are currently open to me, so I guess I just have to keep struggling. I hate this… and I hate myself right now.

    All of this, despite what I think was a very good demo teach for a company that wants to hire me for contract work. I seem to do well when I am on camera. Off camera? I just want to crawl into a hole. If not a hole, then maybe a booth at a restaurant where I could gorge myself on the foods that I have been denying myself this last year. After all, if nobody else seems to care, why the fuck should I?

    Despite this, I am forcing myself to go on. I am making my chicken and salad for lunch and will smoke cigars on the balcony this afternoon. I want to study for an exam, but I do not have it in my soul today. I am broken, and I cannot seem to figure out what glue I need to put myself back together.

    Princess Sophie is at her quarterly spa appointment and will come home looking gorgeous and coifed. After I bring her home, I might try to go to the gym. Maybe getting onto a treadmill will help. I cannot imagine it will, but I am going to try. In the meantime I literally feel like Marvin the Paranoid (and inappropriately named) Android from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Don’t talk to me about life. Maybe I can have a competition with the toaster to see which one of us can rust to death faster.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 321

    I have been having a very difficult time of it of late. I have glossed over a lot of it, not wanting to share the depths of my despair, but the last few days it has been harder to hide. I walked out of the house yesterday on my way to Eduardo’s, and as I walked out the front door, I thought to myself ‘why bother?’ It is getting harder and harder, and I am getting less and less results and frankly less support, so why do I bother? I don’t care about myself, whether I live or die, so why do I care if I lose weight? Why don’t I just splurge, go out to Montana’s and pick up a huge order of deep fried Buffalo wings? Why don’t I pick up a bag of chips – or three – and watch the World Cup the way I would have ten years ago? Chips, wings, beer or whisky (or at least sodas), and pizza? How great would that be? Okay, maybe that would be excessive… maybe I could just go out for wings though. Fuck it all and damn the torpedoes.

    I did not do any of that. I wanted to, believe me. I was depressed enough that I thought about it, but I did not do it. My compromise was to have a piece of bread with a slice of cheese while watching the games. For lunch, I had a bowl of Cheerios… with skim milk. While not on my program, it was certainly not the worst thing I could have done. Even when Eduardo asked if I wanted to go out for lunch between the matches, I said no thank you. Thinking back on the options I would have had to eat in a restaurant, and how low my defenses were, I think we can all agree this was a very smart move.

    I am not going to Eduardo’s this morning. Yes, I will go in the afternoon for the second match, but I have things to do this morning. I am also so down that I do not think that I could be strong for a second day in a row, so I plan to stay home until after lunch. I am less likely to splurge out there if I have already eaten a full meal that I prepared at home… a meal, I should add, that is fully in line with my program.

    My weight was indeed down this morning, but who cares? The way I am feeling, I sure don’t. I want to give up… not just on weight loss, but on everything. Despite so many opportunities presenting themselves now, I feel like a complete and total failure. I am not employed, but despite having several contracts, as well as opportunities for more contracts on my plate, I hate where I am at. I am reticent to take a job in Canada, knowing that I will be moving to the United States in less than a year. At the same time, until I have my visa for the USA, I am not allowed to take a job there. I am at the whim of those who offer me contracts; thankfully those have sustained me. My problem is that while I am motivated to fulfil those contracts, my motivation to grow beyond where I am has fallen of late. I am trying, but I find it so hard to pull myself up, and when I am not contracted, I am wasting my time. I have to either be learning, or writing, or even working out. How do I get from where I am to where I need to be? That is the Sixty-Four Dollar question.

    Will I be able to succeed with that? Will I be able to get back on track with my work, with my life? I don’t know if, and I don’t know how. This morning my ex-wife and I had a meeting with a school that we are considering sending our son to, and I reflected (as I so often have) on my part in his life, and if he might not be better off if I was not around. This question is not limited to him. Maybe the world would be a better place… but until I figure that out, I will make my chicken and salad for lunch, and then I will go to watch the afternoon football match… and I will put on the brave and happy face that most people think is the real me, and I will continue to fool almost everyone. I wish I could fool myself.

    This is likely the most negative entry I have written in eleven months of writing about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Most of the time I am upbeat and happy, at least on the outside. When I am not, I try to put that face on anyways. After all, weight loss journals are not supposed to be about wanting to give up and end it all… but here I am. I do not have the energy or the will to lie about it today. If I have one drink today then I will open and finish a bottle, so I will not do that. If I take one pill, then I would do the same thing. If I went to a restaurant, I would not have the ability to order a small plate of anything, and unlike the Chinese food that Leslie and I shared a couple of weeks ago, not only would I not be throwing anything out, there would not even be any leftovers. Knowing all of that, I have put my chicken into the air fryer to make my lunch. After posting this entry as a blog article, I will go prepare my salad. I picked up Charlie (the neighbour dog) to come over to play with Princess Sophie, in the hopes that their playing would cheer me up a little. Here’s hoping.

    Have a great day folks. I won’t, but hope you do anyways.

  • Day 320

    My emotions are getting worse. As I try to do better, things keep getting harder for me. This includes but is not limited to my weight loss. It is harder for me to put on a brave and happy face for my friends, and I think they are starting to worry. They cannot help me, I have to help myself, or rather, I have to get help from a professional who can guide me through the process of getting better. I need someone who will call me on crap and hold me accountable; I need someone who will make me accept hard realities and to face them. I hope I have the courage to accept these realities… and to fix as much as I can.

    I arrived at my friend’s house in Cambridge yesterday without the means to make a meal replacement. I indulged in the sort of junk foods that I know are going to make me gain weight immediately. Of course, that is exactly what happened. This morning I am heavier than I am. If I am to achieve my goal of losing one hundred pounds in 2022, I need to lose fifteen pounds in the next twenty-five days. Is that achievable? Yes. Is it as realistic today as it was three weeks ago? No.

    I hate getting it wrong. I am not talking about weight loss, or at least not exclusively about that. Every time I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, I wonder how it happened. There was a time in my life when I would do what I wanted to do, whether I knew it to be wrong or not. That is not the case now. I keep trying to do right, and I keep failing. Things that I think are right, okay, and acceptable are coming back to bite me… hard. I wonder though how come it is okay to be punished for trying to do right? I am willing to learn. I am trying to improve. I am starting to wonder if that is good enough… and if I can ever be good enough.

    In a few moments I will drive to my friend’s house to watch the World Cup, and I will try again to put on a happy face. I am not happy. I don’t think that matters to anyone anymore. Even the act of putting on a happy façade is held against me. Hey look! Autocorrect actually put a cedilla under the c.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 319

    I was almost perfect on my program yesterday, and yet my weight is up nearly a pound from yesterday. It is so frustrating, but I also know that weight loss is about the trend, and not the individual dots on the chart. I will keep at it today. I am going to be out for a lot of the day, to Milton for the first match, then Cambridge for the afternoon… where I hope they will allow me to watch the second match on one of the several televisions in the cigar lounge. Other than that? I just have to stay on track and keep my eyes on the prize.

    Aside from my weight this morning, yesterday was a resounding success. I went to the walk-in clinic, where they prescribed the same meds that had my knee feeling better a couple of weeks ago. After three pills so far, the pain is gone! That does not mean that I will stop the course of treatment… I want to keep the pain away. I went to the lab to have my blood sucked by the vampire, and while I waited, I went out to the pharmacy in the lobby to fill my prescription, telling them I would collect it after my appointment. I was halfway home by the time I realized I had not done so and would have to double back. No matter, I continued into Burlington, where I filled my gas tank, filled my empty propane tank, and stopped in to Sleep Country to redeem my warranty claim on my mattress. The new one will be delivered next Monday.

    From there I doubled back to the pharmacy to collect my pills. As it turned out, the doubling back was not out of the way. While I was in Burlington, Sam called me to invite me to his cousin’s place to watch the match and to smoke cigars. It was truly a great afternoon; the cousin (Tony) and I got along very well, and I doubt this will be a one-off visit.

    Off to start my day all! There’s football to be watched.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 318

    My psychological and emotional pains continue to haunt me. I have to find a way to peacefully get past my hurdles. I said months ago that there would be a point where I need help, and I think I have reached that place. I have reached out to a therapist I used to work with, and hope that she can help me to continue to get better and to grow. I do not think these issues are what are stopping me from doing better on my weight loss program, although I am sure they are a contributing factor. I do know that five years ago, when I first lost all of my weight, she was able to help me.

    Yesterday did not go terrible, but I could have done better. For example, I could have eaten part of a challah roll… instead of two of them with peanut butter. I think that was my only transgression. I finally relented and let Eduardo give me a bowl of Thai chicken curry soup. While the nutritional values were not listed (which I thought very strange), the ingredients did not seem overly dangerous. There was a lot of chicken in it, which is not a bad thing.

    My plans for today are waiting confirmation from a friend of Eduardo’s. Either we three are going to spend the afternoon at Sam’s cousin’s house, or Eduardo and I will watch the afternoon match at his apartment. Before that, I plan to go to the walk-in clinic. My knee has gotten bad again, and I need to have it looked at. Assuming it is the same issue I had before (gout), the temporary solution will be another round of anti-inflammatory meds. With that said, I am hoping the lab is open today, so I can also get my blood work done. If it is not, then that will be my plan for Monday morning. While I will have to miss one of the football matches, my health is more important. I also suspect that I will not be watching tomorrow’s matches, as I am visiting with Ryan and his crew… and while they consider themselves sports fans, that really only means they watch American football.

    Unless things go bad at the walk-in clinic (which is to say, if I have a five hour wait) then I will also go to Sleep Country to arrange for my new mattress to be delivered. My warranty claim was finally approved last night (I received it at nearly 8:00pm), and while I have been sleeping comfortably on this defective mattress for over a year, I do not know how long it will take for them to deliver my new mattress… I want the new mattress to be here in time for Leslie’s next visit (25 days from today).

    Okay, I just spoke with Eduardo, and I am going to hit the road. First stop: Walk-in clinic. After that? That will depend on a lot of things, including timing and the next call I get from Eduardo.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 317

    Some things are just too ridiculous to be made up. There is a lettuce shortage in Canada. Yes, there is an actual run on lettuce. It seems that much of Canada’s lettuce comes from farms in California that have of late been affected by a bug of some sort that has damaged or destroyed most of the crops. This is why I have been paying Five Dollars for a head of romaine these last few weeks.

    The run on lettuce has, until yesterday, been a minor financial inconvenience. My son the younger and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner, where he ordered his usual… ten pieces of boneless wings with barbecue sauce, and a plate of fried mozzarella sticks. I also ordered my usual: a crispy chicken salad with no cheese or bacon. All is well, right? All was well until the waiter returned to the table several minutes later to inform me that because of the lettuce shortage, the restaurant cannot currently serve salads, and would I like to order something else? Knowing that every other item on their menu would be completely incompatible with my eating program – and really any weight loss program – I decided to decline, eating my son’s celery and carrots (which he never eats), and waited until I got home to prepare my normal chicken dinner and salad (I am not hoarding lettuce, but I do have most of a head of romaine in the fridge).

    I know what you are thinking. You know that my main meal is usually enjoyed at lunch, to maximize the digestion time between eating and going to sleep. Well, things did not go completely as planned yesterday, so I did not expect to lose any weight on my bathroom scale this morning. The 3.6 lbs. drop was a real shock, but a welcome one. I am still above 305 lbs., but I am still within reach of my goal to lose one hundred pounds in 2022. I have twenty-nine days to lose just over ten pounds. That is realistic… if I stick to my program.

    My plans for today are, once again, to watch World Cup football with Eduardo. I will leave there after the second match, which should be around 4:00pm. I will stop at Fortino’s to pick up my challah, and I will call my beautiful wife to light the candles and to say the Sabbath prayers. If there is one thing I need today it is peace in my heart and in my soul. The blessings of the Sabbath do bring me a modicum of peace, and I desperately need that. I need other things too, but that is another story. I am reaching out for those things as well, and hope that I can get what I need.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 316

    I am just in from walking Princess Sophie. If there is one thing we can count on in Canada it is that sometime around December 1st we are going to truly notice that it is winter. I was listening to CBC Radio, and they were talking about the blustery weather in downtown Toronto. I would not classify the weather here in Burlington as blustery, but it is certainly cold and windy. While I doubt that this is quite what Shakespeare was talking about, now truly is the winter of our discontent… unless you happen to like cold and blustery weather.

    The weather turned on a dime yesterday. When I took Her Floofness for her morning walk, it was hovering around 9° Celsius. When I left Eduardo’s apartment after the second football match, it was hovering around the freezing point, with gusting winds and a bit of snow. When I came home, I prepared my meal, and had been pretty good on my program to that point. Later in the evening, I took Princess Sophie for another walk, and it was cold and windy; it was the sort of weather that gets into your bones, and I just could not warm up when we came home. I decided to warm up some of my homemade chicken soup. A couple of bowls later, my insides were nice and warm.

    CBC Radio did a segment this morning about scarves. They sent a correspondent out to ask people about their scarves, and even invited listeners to call in to discuss their heartwarming scarf stories. A year ago I would have laughed at the idea. As they talked to passers by about theirs, I thought of the scarf that I was wearing. It was knit for me with love by the woman who I would later marry, but at the time we were dating. It is not only warm and long and gorgeous, I feel especially warm when wearing it because of the love that went into it. While the broadcaster discussed people having a variety of scarves in their wardrobe for different occasions, I thought of the two that I have. The first I bought in Nara, Japan. While it is made of silk and very pretty, it has not made an appearance around my neck since Leslie gave me the scarf she made for me. I love it and cherish it. I should also mention that it is sized perfectly, because even though I am nearly ninety pounds slimmer than when she gave it to me, it still fits!

    Speaking of weight loss: my weight once again dipped below the 310-pound mark today. I am going to do much the same today as I did yesterday, and hopefully I will drop another pound tomorrow morning. We’ll see. In the meantime, I am going to head to Eduardo’s. He is going to try to feed me (as he did yesterday). I am going to politely but persistently refuse. As long as I can smoke my cigars, I am happy. I also have a couple of meal replacement shakes with me… should I get hungry.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 315

    The last couple of days were very emotional for me, and with that came some emotional eating. Today is the day that I get back on track. Yes, I miss her… but I will be good. I am going to spend a good part of the day at Eduardo’s condo watching World Cup football. The morning games are less interesting to me than the afternoon when Argentina is playing Poland. I have always been an Argentina supporter, and while I was absolutely cheering for Canada this year, they are not going forward, so I will revert back to my long-time favourites.

    Can I stay true to my diet today? I am going to do my best. I will bring meal replacements with me so that I do not have to cheat while I am there. I know it is had, but I have to get back on track!

    Have a great day folks!