Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 220

    I ate a couple of things yesterday that I suspected would have a negative effect on my weight loss. For lunch, I had a Montreal bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese. It was really tasty! In the evening, Leslie and I watched a movie, sharing a bag of microwave popcorn (with Dill seasoning). Again, it was really yummy. I am with my wife, and it is a very short trip. I am not going to go completely off the rails, but I do not expect to lose tremendous amounts of weight this week.

    When the bathroom scale showed me not only three pounds down from yesterday, but also below my 320 pound milestone again, I had to run into the bedroom to share the great news with Leslie. After a very good night’s sleep (the best I have had in a couple of weeks or longer), this was just the icing on the cake. Mmmm… caaaakkkee….!

    Leslie and I are going for a walk this morning. We are going to try to do a five kilometre walk along a path that I am very familiar with. The mercury is already flirting with the 30° Celsius, on its way to a high of 34°. That is extremely hot for Toronto, but not really for Texas. I think Leslie will make it just fine, and I am not expecting to break any records, just keep pace with her.

    Later in the day, we are going to go to the Asian markets… there is a Japanese store that we love, and next to it there is a Japanese bakery. We need a few things for the house, and Leslie needs bread for her son. Both will be easily accomplished there. Who knows? After a wonderful walk (and on a day my weight is at its lowest point ever) we might even treat ourselves to a Japanese doughnut. The problem is that there are so many wonderful indulgences at those stores, and I can only pick one cheat per day! Decisions, decisions…

    It is going to be another wonderful day with my wife, and I am looking forward to relaxing with her later with a cigar and maybe a drink.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 219

    I suspect it is the high sodium content of the Lebanese food that we enjoyed last night that accounted for the this morning’s 2.2lbs weight gain. Yes, I cheated during the day. I had three handfuls of peanuts over the course of the day, plus one serving of dried mango. Yes, I had a salad at lunch, in addition to the meal replacement bar that I had. The Lebanese food, on the other hand, was excessive. It was not only a large meal, consisting of proteins and carbs and salads and stuff, not to mention the half piece of pita I enjoyed with way too much hummus. It was extremely tasty; it was also extremely salty. It is the reason I gained weight from yesterday to today.

    I will mention at this juncture that I have a very set morning routine, toward the end of which I weigh myself. That is the only time that I weigh myself during the day. This morning there was an anomaly – not in my morning routine, but in how my morning went after the routine. Part of my morning routine is a bowel movement, which is almost always regular, and with very rare exceptions is my only bowel movement of the day. This morning, about an hour into my class (while they were doing a test) I had a second significant movement, which may well have changed things somewhat.

    While I am going to stick to my weight loss program as well as I can while in Dallas, I know that there are going to be aberrations. I know that I will take Leslie out for a couple of good meals, and while I can order smartly for those meals, I cannot completely control what a restaurant puts into their food. I would like to cook every meal for Leslie, but that is not going to happen for several reasons. I simply have to remember that for every cheat, I have to be extra good the rest of the time. That means no more peanuts, no more snacking. That means that outside of meals, my meal replacements are my friends.

    Speaking of meal replacements, that was something that threw me off yesterday. I spoke of the difference between the Canadian meal replacements (225 calories) and the American meal replacements (160 calories). If I was on the full Canadian program, I would be consuming four shakes per day (and nothing else) for a total of 900 calories. On the full American program, I would be consuming five meal replacements per day (and nothing else) for a total of 800 calories. One of the reasons I snacked like I did yesterday is that I forgot of the caloric deficit; I did not think to modify my schedule so that I would not be hungry… and I was. This morning (as yesterday) I had my first meal replacement at 8:00am. On a teaching day in Canada, I would be having it at 8:30am, after walking Princess Sophie. The 225 calories would get me through to my lunch hour (12:30pm) without fail. The 160 calories here did not do so well; I will plan today to have a meal replacement around 11:30am, and not think that I am failing or cheating. It was that feeling yesterday that actually led me to cheating and failure.

    I did not exercise yesterday, and will not today. The schedule just does not allow me to do everything I would like to do, and while I can exercise to my heart’s content in Canada, here I want to spend time with my wife. She and I might go for a walk together tomorrow, which would be lovely. I will happily adjust my pace for her! She told me yesterday that next month her company is doing a charity walk, and this could help her to prepare for it. As luck would have it, the distance of the charity walk is exactly the distance of one of my routes here, so it works out perfectly.

    I told Leslie this morning that I am sleeping much better next to her than I do at home, which was to be expected. I also told her that one of the reasons I am impatient to lose a lot more weight is because I suspect that I will be less tired throughout the day (and especially at night) than I am as I carry around all of this excess fat. I know I have a lot more energy now than I did eight months ago… imagine how much more energy I will have when I have lost another seventy-five pounds!?

    My new water bottle arrived yesterday, and it is gorgeous. It does not fit into my shoulder sling, so I am ordering another one, which should arrive by tomorrow. I do not know if it will be here in time for us to go on our walk, but that’s life.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 218

    Welcome to Dallas! I arrived at Pearson International Airport yesterday four hours in advance of my flight, expecting there to be a ridiculous line followed by a lengthy interview at U.S. Customs. There was absolutely no line (as in, I walked up to the queue and was directed immediately to an unoccupied agent). He asked me maybe five or six questions, and wished me a pleasant journey. It was the first time I ever had more time to kill at the airport than the actual duration of my flight.

    I did not bring meal replacements with me, which was a mistake for two reasons. The first is that there are few (if any) really healthy options in the airport, and the second is that everything at the airport is priced ridiculously. Of the available options, I opted for a pad thai salad with tofu. I later cheated with a small can of Pringles and a small bag of almonds. On the airplane, I had the biscuits and pretzels offered, with a Coke Zero and a cup of coffee.

    Leslie and I had discussed what to do for dinner once I arrived. After debating Mexican, steak, and a few other options, I suggested she eat before coming to pick me up, and that I would have a protein shake (or bar). She brought a bar (and a bottle of water) for me to the airport, which I ate on the ride home. I do not know if it quite makes up for the cheats, but I know it was the right thing to do. When you falter – and you will falter – the best thing to do is to recover and continue on your path.

    I slept well last night, after the happy discovery of another unmentioned benefit of weight loss. It was good to sleep next to my wife again. It has been too long!

    This morning I made a mistake with my meal replacement shake. Forgetting that the American formula is different from the Canadian one I put too much water into the mix, and ended up with a diluted shake. I will learn from that, and for my next shake will measure out the necessary ingredients. Once I have done so once, I will be able to do it by sight again… but the watery shake left me unsated, leading to my taking a couple small handfuls of peanuts mid-morning, along with a slice of dried mango. Leslie reminded me that she should not have to police my food intake, and she is right. I know what I did wrong, and I will adjust for it so that this afternoon and the rest of my visit will be better.

    I was going to make dinner tonight, but Leslie is going to her office in the afternoon, which means she will be near the really good Shawarma restaurant. I will order well, and will only have meal replacements aside from that. I am really looking forward to that meal!

    In the evening, I suspect she and I will either go sit by the pool for a cigar, or we might go to my cigar lounge to say hi, and to enjoy a stick there. I don’t know, but I do know that I am happy that we have a date together, and that there are no phones involved!

    The reading on the bathroom scale was down this morning, despite the cheating yesterday. I am not quite back to my previous milestone, but I am getting there. I know that I beat myself up over what really are minor cheats, but that is the only way that I know to not have them escalate into larger cheats over time. I have done that before, and I will not do it again.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 217

    As I approached the bathroom scale this morning, I was scared of what I would see. Just four days ago, I achieved the milestones of 320-pounds, and then all of a sudden, I gained nearly four pounds. All of my plans to fly to Dallas near 315-pounds vanished; my only hope was that I might get back near the 320-pound mark… which should have been a lock, and now was another goal.

    While the number on the scale was down significantly from yesterday (nearly 2.5 lbs), I was still above 320. Okay, that’s life. The more important number today is actually what I see on the doctor’s scale in an hour. I am hoping to have lost a full six kilos (A little over thirteen pounds), but anything over 5 kg will be considered a win. Of course, the next metric milestone that I have not confirmed on the metric scale is absolutely shattered – I will be well under 150kg this morning, and likely closer to 145kg.

    My suitcase is packed, and I am ready to go, but I still have to get through the morning. In a few minutes I will leave to go to the doctor’s office. I just finished writing instructions for the next 90 minutes to my TA, so I can go and not be on my phone trying to multi-task. That’s a relief.

    I just got off the phone with Leslie, who just dropped her son off at school. I really wish I could see him on this trip, but that is not in the cards. I’ll see him in September though, when I will be at least 25 lbs lighter than when he last saw me! It is weird that I use that as such an important measuring stick. ‘Yeah, he met me twenty-five pounds ago… it feels like longer.’ When so much of my focus is on weight loss, I suppose that is not quite so strange.

    —

    While I did not lose six kilos as I was hoping for, I said that anything over 5kg would be a victory, so 5.1kg is just that. I am relieved that it was not worse, and that I did not have to get weighed yesterday. I would not have met that threshold yesterday morning.

    As expected, my doctor was quite happy with my progress, and we had a good discussion, mostly about staying on course and being on the right track. He did check a couple of other issues that I was concerned about, even though I strongly suspected that they were in my head (which he confirmed). He is absolutely thrilled with my heartrate and blood pressure, which are both lower than I ever remember them being.

    I just brought Princess Sophie to the neighbour, who will take care of her for the next week. Leaving her behind is the only sad part of my going away, knowing that I will be with my wife for the next week. I thought about bringing her, but that will wait for a future trip. I suspect that the next time I take her to Dallas will be the only time I do, as it will be a one-way flight.

    Have a great day folks, and I will see you all in Dallas!

  • Day 216

    I confess, it is much easier to state your resolve to stick to the plan than it is to actually stick to the plan. That is how I ended up here, a day before my trip to Dallas (as well as my weigh-in with the doctor’s office) about 3.5-pounds heavier than my lowest weight from just a few days ago. I am glad that after cheating yet again yesterday, I did not gain any weight… although I did not lose any either. Days like yesterday need to be avoided… or at least minimized as much as possible.

    Yes, I finished the rotisserie chicken for dinner (in addition to having my regular chicken meal at lunch). I also had a cookie. No, I did not exercise. Yes, I know this all amounts to not losing weight this morning. I have to stick to the mantra that today I will do better.

    My plans for today are actually quite conducive to doing better. I have a dentist appointment to repair a cracked filling at lunchtime, so I will not be eating as usual. My class starts doing their end-of-class assessment at 3:30, at which point I will prepare my regular meal. I plan to go to Taekwondo in the evening. When I get back from Taekwondo, I will take a shower, and then have my evening meal replacement shake. If all goes well, I will only have two shakes and one meal, plus two consecutive Taekwondo classes, which should bode well for a decent weigh-in result tomorrow morning. Here’s hoping!

    Last night I collected my clothes from the tailor, and before bed I tried all of them on (under the admiring supervisory eye of my gorgeous wife). I was very worried that they would not come out well, but they did. I will easily get another three months out of them… not that I will have a lot of need for them. They are now all packed in my suitcase’s garment bag ready to go to Dallas, where they will stay for a bit. I am only there for a week, but I will be back there three weeks later, in time for the Jewish holidays. I will spend Rosh Hashana in Dallas (and hope I can find a local synagogue to attend), and Yom Kippur in Westlake Village (with my California congregation). In the three weeks that I will be back in Canada, I cannot foresee any even for which I would need to dress fancy.

    Today is the last day of my class, although there are a few more days of answering questions for the students. It will be a more relaxed few days… more so that I will be in Dallas with my wife! It has truly been too long. As I told her the other night, I am sick of rectangles, and need to hold her in the RFZ again.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 215

    I made three mistakes yesterday… and I paid dearly for them this morning.

    1. My friends gave me a package of low-carb tortillas they thought I would enjoy. While I did enjoy them, I wish I had not. I will not be eating them again.
    2. The same friends recommended that rather than buying raw chicken and cooking it, I should buy a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket, and then chop some of it up and put it in the tortillas. While I do have a lot of chicken left, I will definitely not be repeating this exercise.
    3. I ate my meal at dinner time rather than at lunchtime, because I spent the afternoon with them.

    I want to be clear now that I am not blaming anyone but myself for the three pounds gained on the bathroom scale this morning. They did not force me to eat the tortillas (which may be low-carb, but still a lot more carbohydrates than I eat usually). They certainly did not force me to opt for the rotisserie chicken. They are not responsible for when I eat. I made these mistakes.

    You read that right… I am up three pounds this morning. Whereas Saturday I crossed below the 320-pound mark, today my weight is closer to 325 than to 320.

    I am kicking myself because the truth is I did not even enjoy the meal nearly as much as I enjoy my regular meals. I was going to write that I would have been just as happy with my normal chicken and salad; in truth, I would have been happier.

    I do not know if my decision to not walk yesterday was really much of a contributing factor to this morning’s stupid jump on the scale, but I stand by it as a smart decision. Muscles need timed to recover sometimes, and last night I was able to see and feel muscular definition in my legs that has been missing for years. That is a huge non-scale victory, on a day of a huge scale defeat. When there is little positive to look at, you should try to find at least a glimmer of it.

    I am torn about my plans for today. I am torn between eating the rotisserie chicken (which I believe is extremely high in sodium, a contributing factor to my weight gain), and going to buy raw chicken to cook. Honestly, I think that is the right decision. Yes, I am going to head to the store to pick that up so that I can return to my regularly scheduled meal plan. I am going to ask my buddy if I can freeze the remaining tortillas, and save them for a treat.

    It is raining today, and the forecast is for rain from 2pm throughout the evening. Depending on how heavy the rain is, I might or might not walk. If it is pouring rain then I will not, but if it is just a light drizzle then I will try to go out for a turn.

    I have a couple of errands to take care of today, including sending the tailor an email to see if my clothes are ready, or at least will be by tomorrow. I do want to take them to Dallas with me, and that was always my deadline for her. If they are not done in time, then I am really not going to be happy… but it is something I have no control over at this point. I also have to print out the Covid forms for air travel, thanks to American Airlines’ app not supporting my Canadian residence. Sheesh.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 214

    For someone who’s usual routine is as utterly predictable as the movements of a clock, it is sometimes difficult to write every day about what I do and still keep it fresh. At least, I hope it is always fresh!? This morning I did not follow that routine. I got out of bed at 9:00am, which is a full two hours later than I usually would. This, after I woke up at 6:32am to pee, and after my ex-wife texted me at 7:28am to confirm what time I would be picking our son up for breakfast. Yes, I fell back asleep after 6:30am… twice!

    My time in the washroom was shorter than would normally have been, knowing that I had a pup who had waited patiently for me to wake up before asking to go out. As I was getting dressed, there was a knock on the door; my neighbour (Charlie’s mom) asked if Princess Sophie could come play, as her dog (and I believe her daughter’s dog Jasper as well) were barking and begging for Her Royal Floofness to come over. Yes, today is the first day in I don’t know how long that I am in town and did not take my dog for a walk. Routine shattered!

    The bathroom scale, as predicted, crept above the milestone I reached yesterday. This was entirely predictable, but it is something that I was prepared for. Leslie asked me a very important question yesterday about how I would react if the bathroom scale this morning showed me back above the 320-pounds milestone that I was so happy I hit yesterday. It was a question about psychology, about my attitude, and about my expectations. I told her that in all honesty, I expected that I would likely be back above that mark this morning – partly because of my cheat lunch yesterday, but also because I know that sharp drops are not only not easy to explain, but they also ‘give back a bit’ in the following days. I am glad she asked me the question. It gave me pause to think about it, and how I could or would react. It gave me the opportunity to shape my reaction and to not just get down on myself for it.

    Leslie shared another interesting idea with me yesterday about scheduling cheat days to keep me on track. They would have to be within reason (a large order of deep-friend and battered Buffalo wings would not be considered within reason), and they could not be too frequently, but that way if a friend invited me over for a meal that was outside my plan (as happened yesterday) I could either schedule my visits with friends around my allowed cheat days, or I could slide the cheat day… say, if it was supposed to be Sunday, but I was invited to my friend’s on Saturday, I could move it around. It is definitely something I am going to think about. I have to decide what is a reasonable interval for it… and what is a reasonable cheat, versus what is on a par with the large order of wings.

    I am taking my son the younger for breakfast this morning, which means that while I made coffee, I did not have a meal replacement shake. I do not want to sit there and watch him eat while I have nothing, and I do not want to have a breakfast shake and a breakfast. I will order smartly (as I have done on our last few breakfasts together), and yes, I will probably end up finishing his eggs for him. I just have to be careful about carbs. There will be a piece of toast with my breakfast, but I cannot dip into his.

    My feet are in quite some pain this morning, so I might take the day off from walking… I’m not sure, I might reevaluate that position later today. In the meantime, I am going to have a lovely time with my son, and then the rest of the day is mine.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Keep On Keeping On

    I knew that I was being a bad boy the second I told Ryan I would have one hamburger with a bun. Knowing my love of onions, he bought a couple of onion rolls (to go with the all-beef burgers that he was buying for me). I heard him mention to our other friend that he did not eat them, am I did not want to seem ungracious. I was carbing up… and I am supposed to be on a very low-carb diet.

    The burgers were wonderful, no doubt. I do wish he had not bought special burgers for me though. Had the only option been the patties with cheese and bacon in them, I could have begged off and not cheated… but my word, they were tasty! Yes, they… I ate one with the bun, and another without.

    On my drive home I knew I had to go for a long walk. I could not just eat like that and not exercise today… it would be a slap in the face to the milestones that I hit and wrote about this morning. I got home and changed into my workout clothes. I took Princess Sophie for her walk (the same path that we have gotten accustomed to taking most mornings, which it turns out is 1.2km), and then set out for mine… planning a route in my head that I knew would be long.

    What I did not account for was the (for Canada) grueling heat. I usually am nearly finished my water bottle (one litre) by the time I walk into the apartment. Today I realized that it was empty before kilometre number seven… and I was over two kilomtres from home. If I learned anything during my time in the Army it is that hydration is not a little important; it is huge. In truth, it is everything, because if you fall out from dehydration the consequences during training are not pleasant; in the field they can be disastrous. At the corner of Dundas and Walker’s Line, just after finishing kilometre seven, I paused my trackers and walked into the Circle K to grab a bottle of Gatorade Zero. While the bottle was gone before I had walked another 500m, the hydration and electrolytes were sufficient to get me home.

    • Distance: 9.5km (8.07km)
    • Duration: 1:37:15 (1:19:59)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:14 (9:54)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 9m43s (9m32s)
    • Steps: 12.1k (9.9k)
    • Calories burned: 1,187 (1003)
    • Elevation gain: 32.6 (30.3)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 122 (124)

    While my first two kilometres had me on a track to match or even beat yesterday’s walk, the heat slowed me down; while two of my first four kilometres were under ten minutes (and my average per kilometre was still under that threshold), I did slow down somewhat after kilometre four, and am not surprised that my pace fell off somewhat. Still and all, I was under 10m40 on every kilometre, so I am not at all disappointed.

    I do not know if I completely worked off the cheat-lunch that I had, but at least I did not throw up my hands in surrender. It would have been easy to just say ‘Oh well, today is a wash, I will start again tomorrow.’ That is not what I am doing… especially knowing that I am getting weighed at the doctor’s office in 3.5 days… and that night I will be seeing my wife! While I doubt if I will get down to 315-pounds by then, I am certainly not going to be happy getting onto the plane over the 320-pound mark. I dropped below that today for the first time, and I hope to be solidly and permanently below that by Wednesday.

    As I have done several times on days when I have cheated, I will not be having three meal replacements. I did not feel that I needed one before my walk, and while I am still not sure if I need one afterwards, I think it prudent to have it, lest I realize at 11:30pm that I am hungry.

    When you tangle up, tango on. Lunch today was a mistake, but I did not miss a beat in getting back on track. That is the best way to avoid failure.

  • Day 213

    I love hitting milestones on my weight loss journey. They are one of the ways I measure progress, and to remind myself that the last eight months of depriving myself of so much has paid dividends and has not been a waste.

    As I mentioned the other day, the bathroom scale can be mean, so when my weight jumped 2.4 pounds Wednesday morning I was quite upset. Fortunately, Thursday morning it dropped .8-pound, then Friday another 2-pounds. This morning it dropped another 1.2 pounds, which incredibly dropped me below the 320 pounds mark for the first time since March 26, 2021. It felt absolutely amazing, and the only thing that could have made it better would be if Leslie was here to celebrate with me. As it stands, I have not told her yet (I hope she has been able to sleep in this morning), and I will not publish this entry to my blog until she knows.

    I have lost 22 pounds since I flew to Dallas in June, and just over 75-pounds overall since January. Both of those are huge accomplishments, and the fact that I have so much more to lose will not discourage me. For the first time in a year and a half, I am 100-pounds away from what I weighed in basic training… twenty-eight years ago. I put on a shirt this morning that had been in the bin for over a year, and it felt great that it fit. Hopefully, one day in the next year or so, I will be able to wear my Army uniform again… if only for a moment.

    It is not surprising that when I went dark a couple of months ago a lot of my friends started to worry. I let them all know that I was going through some things, and I did not want to talk about it. I did that to let them know that I was okay, I was just down. As I came out of my funk, I started to see friends again (albeit very slowly). Today I am going to see one of the friends which I have not seen since he threw my birthday party for me. While I had planned to not eat meat until I was back from Dallas, Ryan told me he is going to smoke some burgers for us, and I did not have the heart to tell him not to. Also, the timing of the visit will completely interfere with my meal planning here, so I really should eat. I will not be having bread with them, but I will have a hamburger and some salad. I am now especially relieved that I decided to not have a steak yesterday.

    Princess Sophie will not be coming to Ryan’s house. She is having a play date with her very good friend Charlie, and she would not have it any other way. In fact, when she heard Charlie in the hallway, she begged me to take her to Susan’s to play with him… and when he got to the door, she actually knocked on it! Well, she scratched at it loudly, which is essentially the same things, what with dogs not having knuckles. I love that she has friends and that she is so expressive, yet so well behaved!

    On days when timing permits, we have expanded our morning walk. We now do a 2,000-step tour through the park, past the playground, and out to Forest Run, then back down Tobyn to my street. It likely does not change my daily step count by that much, but it is definitely noteworthy insofar as when we first moved here, walking that much would have me winded and sweaty. Today it is no more effort than going to the washroom. It also serves to ‘get the kinks out’ first thing in the morning. When a fat fifty-year-old man exercises as much as I have been, there are aches in the morning; if I did not have to go out for a walk, I might easily say ‘let the aches heal for a day or two.’ By the time Her Floofness and I are back from that turn, I will usually be feeling ready to go for a proper walk… which I usually cannot do, owing to the obligations of work and such. The proper walk will wait until the end of the day.

    The forecast for today is dry, but tomorrow will be rainy, as will every day through Wednesday when I leave for Dallas. I will go for a good walk when I come back from Ryan’s, knowing that while I might be able to walk tomorrow, it will likely be a wet one.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Wow

    Okay, that is a bit of an exaggeration. However, if my last walk was an OW, I should at least show the turnaround to today.

    This was only my second outing in which my average pace (minutes per kilometre) was under 10m00. I did not think I would come close to my record pace from Sunday, so it was a pleasant surprise to see in the AAR that I was only two seconds per kilometre off.

    I may not have broken any records today, but I wiped out the terrible stats that were Monday’s. Looking at those two outings side by side (as you can below) you will see that it is truly night and day.

    • Distance: 8.07km (8.0 km)
    • Duration: 1:19:59 (1:29:42)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 9:54 (11:12)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 9m32s (10m55s)
    • Steps: 9.9k (10.2k)
    • Calories burned: 1003 (933)
    • Elevation gain: 30.3 (27.7)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 124 (112)

    I am hoping that I will be able to get out and have another good outing tomorrow. Once again, I am not setting out to set any records, only break a sweat and post respectable numbers. As I lose weight, the numbers will naturally improve – the less weight that I am carrying, the more powerful my legs, the results will come – but the numbers are not my goal. At least, not the walking statistics. The numbers that I am really excited about are the weight on the scale and the size of my waist. Watching those drop is my goal, and I will not stop until I have reached the top… or, I suppose, the bottom!