Losing a part of me

Category: Choices

  • Day 86

    I cheated last night… twice. I paid for it this morning on the bathroom scale.

    I had wanted to try to steam either broccoli or cauliflower for a few weeks, and I decided that last night was the night. I put a crown of broccoli into a corning ware with some water. I spread some margarine on it, covered the pot, and put it into the microwave. I asked Lyle how long I should leave it in for, and he told me that five minutes should do… but I should really cut it up first. Oops. Too late for that. When it might have been done, I pulled it out of the microwave, sprinkled it with salt… and grated cheese. I gave it another minute in the microwave, and then voila, it was served. It tasted delicious… but neither the margarine nor the cheese was part of the diet program. It was not the worst thing in the world though, right?

    Later on, during my class but after the dinner break, I was still hungry. I decided to munch on some salt and vinegar rice crackers that I had bought for Leslie. I will have to buy her more, because I finished them off.

    Two cheats in a day must be punished… and the scale took back some weight from yesterday. If I am going to be under 350 lbs clothed on my next weigh-in at the doctor’s office on Wednesday, I cannot cheat much more this weekend. I will need to stay on track. I suppose then that it is a good thing I was not invited to a Passover Seder this year. Yes, it is sad… but as much as I love the holiday, I know that the foods at the Seder are too tempting for me to turn down. Next year, when I am at my ideal weight, I can make the Seder a cheat meal.

    I had just finished writing the paragraph of what I need to buy at the supermarket today… only to realize that the supermarkets are closed today for Good Friday. Oops. The simple revised answer to ‘what’s for dinner?’ is: Whatever I have in the freezer! I don’t know if I have any chicken left, but I know I have a piece of salmon, so that might be it. I have enough veggies for lunch and dinner, and while I might run out of milk on my second cup of coffee, that I can buy at any convenience store. I also have distilled water on my shopping list, but that is not an urgency, that is for the next time the humidifier in my humidor runs dry.

    I just checked, and I have a very small piece of chicken, and a very small piece of salmon in the freezer. I am defrosting both, and my Passover meal will be a multi-course dinner… with a salad, of course. It just occurred to me that I might have a container of chicken broth in the freezer. While I cannot make matzah balls (I wasn’t even able to find matzah when the stores were open), I can at least have a nice bowl of chicken soup with vegetables. I might need to find some carrots and maybe a couple of other veggies – the only one I have that would go into the soup is onion. No worries, I will make do.

    I have a study session to join for the course I am taking, and after that I will make a salad for lunch, and then I’ll head over to Lyle and Dorothy’s for a few hours. It will be good to spend a few hours with friends.

    Have a great day folks… and whatever holiday you are celebrating this weekend… enjoy it!

  • Losing and Gaining and Losing Again

    I wrote earlier about the times I have lost weight, and then gained it back. After I finished that piece, I decided to go back to look and see just how long it takes to fall from grace.

    The first time I lost the weight, I was following a medically supervised intensive program. I lost one hundred pounds in just over twelve weeks. It was great! I was feeling wonderful, I was looking better than I had in years. The Province of Ontario’s medical insurance (Ontario Health Insurance Program, or OHIP) allows you to do the program only once, and only for twelve weeks. After that, they essentially kick you to the kerb. I struggled to stay on track; I even tried to get back on the program. Unfortunately, the discipline required to restart once you have stopped was, at the time, beyond me. In July 2017 I weighed my best, around 265 lbs. By New Years or so I was back up around the 300 lbs mark. A year and a half later, in July 2019, I weighed around 370 lbs.

    My next honest try was in California. It was still supervised by a doctor, but this time I was paying for it out of pocket. I did not stay true to the program for one extended period of time, but over the next fourteen months I dropped down to my absolute best weight, 260.8 lbs on September 28, 2020. It was two months later that I last popped back over the 290 lbs mark, and on December 22 of that year I was back over three hundred pounds. I got back down to just under 285 lbs toward the end of January 2021, but on February 18 I was back above 300 lbs, where I have been ever since. By March 18 I was at 320 lbs, and around the day my father died (April 19) I was over 330 lbs. On the morning I flew back to Canada (July 16, 2021) I weighed in at 348.2 lbs. Over the next six months, during which I did not really weigh myself, I gained another forty-five pounds.

    I was not able to accurately weigh myself then, but on January 20, 2022, I was at my heaviest weight ever, somewhere around 392 lbs.

    Let’s recap: In August 2017 I weighed 262, and twenty-three months later I weighed 370. In September 2020 I weighed 260.8, and seventeen months later I weighed 390.

    If ever there was proof that I cannot let my guard down ever, and that this struggle with my weight is one that I will need to actively fight until the day that I die, it is those numbers right there. It took me less than two years to gain 108 lbs. It took me less than a year and a half to gain nearly 130 lbs.

    All it takes is my letting my guard down, thinking that I can eat the way I used to eat… or more accurately, not thinking about how or what I eat.

    I have lost about forty-five pounds in the last eighty-four days; at this rate, I will be down to my ideal weight in just under a year. It has taken a lot of hard work, willpower, and sacrifice to get this far, and I know it will take even more to get to where I want to be. I cannot throw all of that away again. I’ve already done it twice; this time – the third time has to be the charm. If not, I am eventually going to eat myself into an early grave – in a coffin that will break the backs of six pallbearers.

    The third time is the charm; with dedication and perseverance – and the love of a wonderful woman – I will get to where I want to be, and I will stay there.

  • Day 83

    It is extremely important on days when I do not lose (or actually gain) weight that I take not of and remember all of the cheats that I took throughout the day… even if they are minor and insignificant. It is equally important on days when I lose weight – especially significant loss – to do the same. This morning I woke up and I was more than a full pound down from my weight yesterday morning, and I am thrilled about it.

    I did, however, have a number of minor cheats and deviations from the program. For example, I made Leslie a tuna melt on a challah roll for lunch. I prepared enough tuna for her sandwich and for me to have a bowl of it. I used low-fat mayonnaise, as well as onions (of course). For her sandwich, I added extra mayo onto the roll, and sprinkled generous amounts of shredded cheddar into it. I also melted butter into the bottom of the pan that I heated it in. It looked and smelled delicious; suddenly my tuna salad looked boring. Leslie ate most of her sandwich, but when she left over a bit of it, I took three bites of it. The difference that the cheese and butter and challah roll made was night and day. It was absolutely delicious! I am glad I did not make one for myself, but I am glad I got to taste it.

    I had a couple of pieces of dried mango, which were also absolutely delicious. I limited it to two pieces, which was enough to satisfy my cravings.

    For dinner (our last dinner together for nearly a month) I prepared a couple of gorgeous salmon steaks, and she prepared the jasmine rice. The scheduling screwed us up for eating together, but the food tasted delicious. The rice is not on my plan, but I did not see the harm in having a little bit… especially since Leslie prepared it with love.

    It is extremely important that I remember that I got away with these cheats yesterday, but that I cannot make a habit of it. I will not say to myself ‘Well, I had some challah bread and rice that day and I lost weight, so I guess I can always do that!’ That would be a bad idea. I need to remember that there are some things that I can take a bit of for the occasional cheat that I cannot make a regular part of my diet. Just like when I do reach my ideal weight, there are some foods that I will be able to enjoy very rarely for a special occasion but cannot be a regular part of my diet.

    One of the phrases that the original program that I went through kept telling us – and that I truly believe is the key to long-term success – is that I need to break my unhealthy relationship with food, which means that so many of the foods that I used to love on a regular basis cannot ever be that again. Not only that, but I will also have to adjust my idea of a regular portion size. If I can do those two things – stop craving the fattening (and terribly fattening, and disgustingly fattening) foods, and keep a better handle on my portions (of healthy and especially of unhealthy food), then I should be able to get thin and to stay thin. That means that I should not go searching for whatever tempting foods that my loving girlfriend might have hidden from me in anticipation of her leaving. Yes, I was able to eschew the bag of dried mangos that sat next to her desk all week… but that was a short-term resistance; It was resisting temptation while she was here, and even if I was to get tempted, she was here to support me and to encourage me to make the smart decisions – the right decisions. When she is gone, when I am down and despondent and low, and especially while I am sitting at my desk for five hours every night listening to a mostly boring class for the next three weeks, it would be so easy to reach over there and grab a handful… just one would be all that it would take for me to finish the bag. I cannot do that.

    I sometimes take for granted how helpful Leslie is to my weight loss. Her presence here is so important for many reasons, not the least of which is that I would be ashamed if she saw me chow down on fattening and unhealthy foods. She has told me time and again that she loves me and will love me no matter what… and I believe her. To the extent that she needs to do so, she has proven that over and over again. It was never she who was encouraging me to start the diet, and she has told me time and again that I should not be dieting for her. She has also told me, since I started my diet, that she remembers sitting with me before the diet, and being amazed at the amount of food I could consume. She never said it in a judging way, rather in response to something that I said about how I have to change my ways. I am so grateful to have her in my life, and while I am not dieting for her, I hope that by losing the weight I will be able to live a longer and healthier life with her. Today is the day that she and I always dread – the day I have to drive her to the airport, the day we set the countdown timer to her next visit (27.5 days, for those who are counting down with us). I am going to miss her terribly, but I have to make sure that in her absence I do not fall off the food wagon. It may not be fast enough for my liking, but I have been losing the weight at a decent pace, and I have to continue to do so… whether the love of my life is here or not.

    It is the most gorgeous day of the week. The sun is shining, and the temperatures are in the mid-teens. Once I have posted today’s article, I will sit on the patio with a cigar while Leslie is working. When she is ready, we will get into the car for that sad drive, but we do so knowing that the next time she arrives – four weeks from tonight – we will be together again… and we will be going on vacation to the islands the following day!

    Have a great day everyone!

  • Day 79

    Yesterday was another good day for the program. I did not do a lot of moving or exercising, but I was true to the program. My goal for today is to try to do the same, but to get a longer walk in. Maybe Leslie and I will go for a long walk this afternoon without HRF Princess Sophie, who impedes the flow and continuity of a walk too often for it to be genuine exercise.

    I do have a couple of planned aberrations from the program. Firstly, either today or Sunday I suspect that we will be going to our friends’ house for dinner, and Lyle is a gourmet chef. While he will be partially respectful of my diet, he usually goes a bit over. Also, the last time we were there, I opted to have a piece of cake… I should not do that again. Tomorrow we are going to Cam and Amanda’s for the afternoon, I am not going to try to get Amanda to cook around my diet; not as the mother of two young children who also has a full-time job.

    I am happy that I have not been tempted by any of the snacks I bought for Leslie. Even right now, there is a large bag of dried mangos within easy reach of my desk… not to mention the bag of marshmallows (one of her weaknesses). I am much more interested in the mango than the marshmallows, but I know that both are full of sugar, and I have to stay away from both.

    I don’t have a lot to do today, but I have some… I will split the workday between working and smoking cigars. I also have to go to the supermarket to pick up some fish for dinner. Leslie will prepare the rice and I will prepare the fish and a good meal will be had by all. I do not think I will pick up salmon… I have had a lot of that lately, and I know that it is a very fatty fish. I see that Fortinos has Pacific halibut steak on sale, and I might pick up a couple of those. We will see. Whatever I pick up, we will have a nice fish for dinner. Yes, it is Friday… trust me, my dietary choices are not the least of the issues the Vatican might have with me.

    It was raining when I took Her Floofness for her walk earlier, but it is looking much brighter now. I am going to make an omelet for Leslie (she had meetings all morning, so breakfast didn’t work out), and then I will probably sit on the patio and read the book I am using to write the course from.

    Have a great day!

  • Why Are We Fat?

    There are several reasons why people gain weight. Some of them are:

    • Lack of education about nutrition.
    • Gluttony – we just want more.
    • Stress – many people turn to food when they are stressed.
    • Emotional eating – my boyfriend girlfriend husband wife boss children or whoever have hurt me, and I am going to turn to food to relieve the pain.
    • Misunderstanding about healthy portion sizes.
    • Picking the wrong foods for more than the occasional treat.
    • Knowing what we should eat and how much we should eat… and ignoring them.

    There are myriad reasons why we eat poorly. These are just a few. However, I am not an expert on the subject. I am, however, an expert in why I am fat.

    • An abusive (first physically, and then emotionally) childhood with a mother who liked a lot of foods that were bad for us. She fed us healthy foods too, but the buffalo wings were always fawned over, whereas the fish was always just ‘Eat this.’
    • During my Army service I was able to eat as much as I wanted without gaining weight. Not only was I in my early twenties, I was also probably burning 10,000 calories per day.
    • Toward the end of my Army service I was injured, and owing to that injury, two things happened that were disastrous:
      • I stopped working out.
      • I developed a dependence on prescription pain killers, which would have a terrible effect on every aspect of my life, many of which are still apparent today (although my dependence on pills is long behind me now)
    • After the Army I was working as a radio entrepreneur with a partner. We had a lot of restaurants pay us in free meals rather than cash, and those restaurants were extremely unhealthy.
    • Many soldiers develop psychological traumas because of their service. That, coupled with the traumas resulting from an abusive childhood and a toxic relationship with a poisonous parent (long-reaching trauma that amplified the effects of the dependencies discussed in an earlier point), left me an emotional disaster zone in the personality of a rock. Outwardly I always seemed fine, grounded, stable, and reliable. Inwardly, no.
    • The same partner mentioned in an earlier point, along with a number of people I was friends with at the time, would go to restaurants almost every meal, and eat extremely unhealthily.
    • For many years I worked as a road warrior. In essence, this meant that I spent a lot of time travelling. Hotels, restaurants, airplane food, and little if any exercise is a recipe for weight gain.
    • I like fattening foods. I like sizable portions of fattening foods.

    There are probably more reasons, but they are really just excuses. I want to get to a point now where I can look in the rear-view mirror of my life on that terrible time when I was fat because I was unwilling or unable to overcome all of the obstacles that life threw at me. I have worked my buns off to get to where I am today, which is nearly eighty pounds lower than my peak. I never want to be there again. For that matter, once I get to my ideal weight, I never want to be here again. It will take a lot more work.

  • Day 73

    Despite my reasonably faithful adherence to the program yesterday, my weight stayed exactly where it was this morning. I suspect that is because the scale was playing April Fools games with me yesterday. I don’t mind that I do not lose weight every day… it is the days that I gain weight that bother me.

    I finished the last of the milk in my first cup of coffee this morning, so when I finish writing I will probably head to the store. I will also have to check my vegetable stocks – I think I have enough chicken and fish for a few more days, but I might as well check everything. One never knows what fish might be on sale this weekend!

    I had a non-scale victory yesterday. In 2016 my friend Eduardo bought me a bracelet for either Christmas or my birthday or for something. It did not fit until I lost a lot of weight in 2017. I know that when I can put it on, it means that I am on track losing weight. It is by no means loose on me, but it closes and is comfortable to wear. That is a good start.

    I am taking my son (the younger) for breakfast tomorrow, and I am looking forward to that. I have been chatting with my ex-wife, who tells me that she is finally having surgery on her knee in May. That has to be a relief for her, as she has been in pain for a long time. I remember seeing how hard it was for her to walk on my first visit to their house back in July, and I felt terrible for her. Hopefully this will bring her some relief.

    I have plans on the calendar for every day between now and Wednesday, which is when Leslie finally arrives. This afternoon, Eduardo is coming for a cigar. Tomorrow morning, I will see Gilad. In the afternoon I will go to Cambridge for a cigar with my friends out there. Monday I am having my summer wheels put onto the car (and I am relieved that I decided to wait until after my Montreal trip). Tuesday the cleaning lady is coming during the day, and Wednesday I get to pick up my girlfriend at the airport. I have been waiting for that last one for far too long, and I cannot wait to have her back in my arms again!

    I am halfway through my second cup of coffee… this time without any milk. I thought I might consider cutting the dairy out of my diet, but I think I will wait a few more weeks before I really consider that. I do enjoy my coffee, but since I took my first sip of it at 5 years old, I have always taken it with coffee and some sort of sweetener (at the time my father was a Sweet-n-Low guy, so that’s what I started with. I am now mostly on Sugar in the Raw). Changing it now… well, we’ll see.

    I spent some time earlier this week installing some of the apps that have always only been on my US cell phone onto my Canadian one. One thing that I did not think to transfer at the time was the app for my Garmin fitness watch. I did that this morning and went through the entire configuration process. I have not yet started to be active, but with the confluence of my weight loss thus far, and the weather starting to get nicer, I thought it a good idea to start getting ready for it. In fact, I think I am going to go for a walk right now… I can go to the supermarket to pick up milk. That will not be a very long walk, but it will be a first walk. Every journey starts with a single step and walking to the store is as good a place to start as any.

    I will mention that I am not going to go to the supermarket I would usually go to. I know that I need to buy vegetables and milk. If I needed other things then I would need to go to the Fortino’s which is a little over 2km away, and I would have to walk back of course. No, the grocery store nearest is about 400m from here, and that will be fine. I might, now that I think of it, also walk to the pharmacy, which is probably another 500m from the grocery, so that would be a really good start! I make no promises… we will see how I am feeling after I get out there.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 72

    One of the most infuriating parts of my life is the bathroom scale, and the unreliable floor underneath it. There are mornings when I want to drop to my knees and hug them. There are mornings when I want to set off huge explosives at ground zero and let them both leave this world to the hell that they so often make my life.

    Over the last couple of days, I was upset that I was not losing weight at the rate that I would like to, and yesterday I chalked that up to a lack of bowel movement. This morning, after a very respectable make-up for yesterday’s unproductive bathroom attempt, and after a pretty decent diet day (I did have a handful of peanuts, but that shouldn’t destroy me) I got onto the scale to see that I was actually up a pound. You can never find an M-18 Claymore when you need one. I figured it was time to give up on my diet, because obviously nothing that I was doing was working.

    After my shower, I decided to step back onto the scale. Not only was I down from before the shower, but I was also two pounds down from yesterday. I intentionally do not move the bathroom scale – not even an inch – to make sure that any inconsistencies are consistent. I do not know if the scale somehow knows that today is April Fool’s Day and decided to have a little fun with me, but I decided (against habit) to leave both weights in my register. I would usually delete the first and leave the second, so I only have one weight registered on any one day. For today, I decided to make an exception. We will see tomorrow what it says, and hopefully I will be back on track.

    Yes, I know. Either this coming Wednesday, or in the worst-case scenario on my following doctor’s appointment two weeks later, I will start to be able to register my weight on the proper medical scale. I was hoping to be able to start this coming week, but unless I lose five more pounds between now and then, it is unlikely that I will be under the limit. We shall see. In the meantime, the experts say that I should not be weighing myself every day. That has to be exponentially true for people with unreliable floors. If it wouldn’t disrupt my dog’s schedule, I would seriously consider moving the scale into the bedroom.

    I have taken a nice piece of fish out of the freezer for dinner, so my food plans for the day are to have a nice salad (with canned salmon) for lunch and a piece of fresh salmon with a side salad for dinner. I suspect though that I am going to have to start cutting down on my portions of canned salmon, so rather than having the full tin, I will use half of it, and finish it tomorrow. I might also lessen the number of pumpkin seeds I put on both my afternoon and evening salads. We’ will see. I have to find a way to lose more weight – I have been depriving myself for 72 days, and while I made good progress, it is definitely not great progress.

    Happy April Fool’s Day folks… and have a great day!

  • Day 71

    Today is the last day of March. I took HRF Princess Sophie for a very wet walk this morning. If April showers bring May flowers, we should also be ever vigilant that April rains can bring emotional pains. I do not think that I am depressed, but I am going to keep an eye out for signs, because that monster can come out of the shadows at any point. I know that Leslie will be here in six days, which makes me extremely happy, and should ward off any signs of depression for the time being.

    One of the side effects of my weight management program is that I am not always as regular as I used to be. I usually move my bowels every morning, but there are some days that I miss. Today, for example. No matter how long I sat there, I was just not able to produce anything. I suspect that is a contributing factor to why my weight is just about the same as yesterday (actually up .2). The peanuts might not have helped. I do know that the new formula for the shakes I am using have fibre, but the old formula does not… and I accidentally bought some of the older ones. I have been trying to drink those first, but maybe I should be mixing the newer ones in. I assumed that the salads I eat would contain enough fibre to keep me regular, but I looked it up (just now) and discovered that the lettuce I am eating contains less than 5% of the recommended fibre for the day. Either I can start eating fifteen heads of lettuce, or I can mix the newer shakes in. I only have one box left of the older shakes, and then will be fine.

    I was hoping to be into my next size of clothes by now, but I can see it is going to take longer than that. If we are going to start today’s article with one saying (April flowers…), we might as well end it with another. Slow and steady wins the race. It is never the most satisfying way to get there though, is it? We want that surge! We want both scale- and non-scale victories on a daily basis! At what cost? If I get to where I want to be, stay there for a few weeks, and then turn around and end up right back where I started from… that’s not winning, is it? I have to find a way to achieve my goals, and then maintain the weight loss. Who knows? Maybe by the time Leslie gets here next week, I will be able to try on some of my smaller pants? I know she will appreciate being here for every NSV… and to support me when I try but don’t succeed.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 69

    After the disaster that was the weekend, I am happy to report that I did not veer from my program at all on Monday. A shake for breakfast and for my evening snack, a salad for lunch, and chicken with a salad for dinner. I went to bed a little peckish, but overall, I am happy with how the day went. I only wish it was not quite so cold, or I might have been able to go out for a walk.

    HRF Princess Sophie came home right about the time I was set to start teaching, and she had eaten and been for her walk. I suspect she was tired from a fun-filled weekend with Natalie… we had a wonderful reunion (as we always do), and then she spent most of the evening in her daybed supervising as I taught, until it was time to move into the real bed for a proper night’s sleep with Daddy. I won’t lie… I have missed having her next to me at night. She gave me a little bit of love, but mostly lay down at the foot of the bed. I think she is a wee bit upset with me that I left her for three days.

    The bathroom scale is heading in the right direction again, but I know it will probably take a week to recover the progress that I lost in just a few days.

    It is not fair. Over the course of three days, I did not eat well but I also did not eat too badly, and yet I still gained something like four pounds. It is now going to take at least a week of assiduous dieting to lose those four pounds. That is simply unfair. The math simply does not work. Let’s be honest: If I had gorged myself on some of my favourite foods – Montreal Smoked Meat, Buffalo Wings, Pizza, and things like that – then I would understand. I just do not see how it is fair that I ate a little bad and have to pay for it for so long. Where’s your manager? I would like to file a complaint!

    Okay, let’s get down to it. I am going to stick to the program again today, and hopefully get back down to where I was… before I can continue to move forward.

    Once again, I am reminded that I just do not understand women. I just don’t get them. I don’t think I ever will. FML.

    I was going to write about some of the non-scale victories I have noticed over the last few days, but all of a sudden, I just don’t feel like writing so screw it.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 68

    How do I fall so far so easily? It is because food is an addiction, and it is a very difficult one to rein in.

    Yesterday I started with a meal replacement before I headed to Stephane’s house. We stopped at the cemetery to pay respects to my father’s grave. We then dropped something off for his daughter and then picked up a friend in Dorval before we drove to St. Jean Sur Richelieu, where we spent the afternoon enjoying cigars with our buddy Sam. Abi decided to bring a bag full of snacks along – nuts, but also chocolates and stuff like that. He offered us some in the car, and while Stephane took a candy bar, I was good.

    At Sam’s house, he had several bottles out, and asked me to take a dram of a local whisky made with maple. I should have refused, knowing how high the sugar content must be. He also put out a tray of what he referred to as moose sausage that his apprentice made for him. Knowing that moose meat is usually lean, I took a couple of pieces. It was only when he explained that the sausage maker uses a lot of pork products in the ‘moose sausage’ that I realized how big a mistake I made. I cannot un-eat the pork products, and I felt horrible about it the rest of the day.

    How did this horrible feeling manifest? Here’s what else I ended up eating, both while we were at Sam’s, and later on my drive back home (yes, I drove back to Burlington last night):

    · A couple of dried apricots

    · A lot of honey roasted almonds

    · Too many peanuts

    · A chocolate chip cookie

    · A mixed shawarma plate (but as before, I did not have the potatoes or rice)

    · Two meal replacement bars

    It was a victory that I did not go for one of the chocolate bars… but I was feeling bad about it… even though it was not at the forefront of my consciousness. In fact, when Leslie asked me during the drive (a few times) how I was doing, I did not once think to say ‘You know what, I accidentally ate pork product, and I feel terrible about it. Trust me, I felt horrible… but it was not top of mind.

    To add insult to the injury, this morning I read my rabbi’s most recent d’var Torah, which was all about eating kosher, and why we do it.

    To pile it on, the bathroom scale had me three pounds up from Friday… no shock there.

    Today I have to get back on track. I have defrosted chicken for dinner, and I will have my salad for lunch. I am hoping that it works out for me. I have to do better!

    Have a great day!