Losing a part of me

Category: Family

  • Day 270

    I am sitting at the airport, drinking a cup of coffee, waiting to board my flight to Canada. It is getting harder and harder to say that I am going home, when my wife drops me off at the airport, and I am leaving her… She is my home. I know that until the US State Department says I can, I cannot really call Dallas home. That does not change where my heart lies… it is here, with my beautiful wife. I should be going to bed with her, waking up with her, eating with her… every day. We should be getting into each other’s way and getting annoyed and making up. We should be able to look at each other across the room… we should be able to touch each other. We should be able to do all of this without smartphones. When will that be? I think the best optimistic guess is that the coming winter might be my last one in Canada… but there is a good chance that this one will not be my last autumn in the country of my birth.

    I know what you are probably thinking. You have to ask, ‘Mitch, how can you be looking forward to living far from your children?’ The simple answer is that they live with their mother, and I get to see my son the younger for a few hours every couple of weeks, and my son the elder… at his whim and convenience. It was hard to live so far from them during Covid, when I was living in California and not able to visit Canada. It was hard, but I endured. They can come to visit anytime they want, and I will be able to come to see them as well… and I will, on a fairly regular basis. I will be able to chat with them and keep up with them every week, but that is again at their whim… which seems to not be very often. My wife, on the other hand, wants to be with me… and if I talk to my kids and don’t hug them it is hard, but to not be able to touch to hold to kiss my wife is not what either of us signed up for.

    My weight bumped up this morning, but only by .2lbs… what pollsters would refer to as within the margin of error. I was good yesterday, save for dinner – and a late dinner at that. We went for sushi, which meant a lot of rice. I also had mochi ice cream for dessert, which I know I should not have done. The fact that my weight essentially stayed the same is not really a surprise. Today is a travel day, so I might eat properly all day and still gain two pounds tomorrow… or eat like a chazer and lose a pound. I am going to do my best to eat properly, and whatever the scale says tomorrow morning I will take with a grain of salt.

    My son the elder is picking me up from the airport, and it will be great to see him. I am sure he will ask, and I will gladly pay for his gas. I will pay him what I would pay for an Uber, and I will get to spend some time with my son. Depending on the timing, I might ask him to take me to the store to buy food for dinner, but that is a big if. We will see how it goes. I am scheduled to land at 4:30pm, which means that between Customs and Immigration and waiting on my suitcase, I can optimistically hope to be in his car by 6:00pm, and home at 6:45pm. If we stop along the way, then we add 15 minutes to that. If we do not, then I still have to go shopping, as I have been gone nearly a month, and have nothing to eat in the house.

    I did do something smart when packing my kit this time. I have two meal replacement bars that I will have access to in my carry-on bag. Actually, I have several dozen of them, if we count both bags… but two is the maximum that I will need. That means that I will not need to ask for the extra cookies when the flight attendant comes around. The plane will board in 45 minutes, and I expect that I should be okay until then. I might have a meal replacement at the beginning of the flight, and another at the end… but that should tide me over. If all goes well, dinner will be late, but it will be my regular homemade chicken with a side salad.

    I am working this week! I have a week-long class that I am delivering, which I did not expect… and which will provide much needed income. I do not mean to say that I am going broke, but I am glad to be earning money. I also have a contract that starts in December, for a training centre that I worked with over the summer. It is always a good sign when companies ask for me by name. I love knowing that they were happy enough with my delivery the last time to ask me back. There are far too many trainers out there who can deliver the courses that I do, and I know that a lot of them will work for a lot less money than I do. The only way to keep working is to keep reminding them that I really am pretty good at what I do.

    Leslie laughed at me last night as I was packing. I came down to Dallas nearly a month ago, with a suitcase that was overflowing with groceries – treats for Leslie and her son. Between that, and the clothes that I planned to leave at her house (the summer is over, and I doubt there will be many days in mid-October when I can comfortably wear shorts in Canada), I expected to leave Dallas with a half-empty suitcase. What I neglected to consider was that I was bringing home a lot of meal replacements (which take up a lot more room in my suitcase than you might think), two boxes and two bags of cigars, my sports jacket and shirts and pants (which I am hoping will not fit my lithe frame by my next visit in January), and a bunch of other stuff that I picked up… both here and in California. Had I been flying back to Canada with the same luggage that I came with, I would have been overstuffed, and would have had to borrow a suitcase from Leslie. Fortunately, I had loaned her my large carry-on bag a few months ago, which needed to be fixed (which I took care of at the beginning of this trip, and which was now ready to fly). It is full, nearly completely with meal replacements. To quote the Bard: all’s well that ends well.

    While I do not enjoy it, I am always less stressed leaving the USA than entering it. The USA might one day refuse me entry. The worst that Canada can do is charge me duties for whatever I bring back, and I do not think I have anything to interest them – I am ten cigars over my limit, and they are not expensive cigars. Even so, it is always a relief to get through airport security without secondary screening. To be sitting in the terminal, even when I have a long wait, is a lot less stressful when I know I am going back to the country of my birth.

    It was raining this morning in Dallas. Yesterday was gorgeous and hot, but it is also the last such day I will experience until… well, I don’t know when. It is easy to think that Texas is warm or hot all year round, but I know that is not the case. The ten-day forecast for Burlington, Ontario shows two days with high temperatures at or over 65° Fahrenheit, with four days at or below 50° Fahrenheit. It will only be getting cooler and then colder. I am not sure what walking is going to be like this week, but it is almost time for me to join a gym if I plan to keep my exercise routine going… and I do!

    It is almost time to board, so I am going to walk over to the gate. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 256

    I slept very well last night, after yesterday’s monster walk. Leslie and I agree, however, that I pushed myself too far yesterday, and that I should dial it back a little bit. The way my legs are feeling (more last night than today, but still…) are a good indication that we are right about that. I should also mention that for the first time in my fitness walking journey, the insides of my thighs were chaffed last night, and required the application of baby powder. While that is not an indication of anything musculature, it is a reminder that when I plan a walk over 11km I should also take some precautionary measures.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale this morning were spectacular. Since the morning after I arrived in Dallas (ten days ago) I have lost ten pounds. I am thrilled by that, and even though I did not drop into the 310lbs range (I actually weigh 311lbs this morning), I am happy with another two-pound drop from yesterday. I know that type of progress will not be constant, but when it does happen, I am always going to celebrate it.

    This morning I prepared chocolate French toast for the family, but the boy decided he did not want any… likely as a passive aggressive protest against the man he sees as usurping his father’s place by his mother’s side. It is too bad, for too reasons. First, it was really tasty. Second, I ate what he did not. Rather than having a meal replacement, I had two and a half slices of French toast. Fortunately, I did not add syrup. That does not change the fact that the meal was not a smart one. I will do better the rest of the day. Of course, that will be contingent partly on Leslie’s son, who may decide that he wants us to bathe in deep-fried chicken shmaltz.

    I will not be fitness-walking today. I am taking the day off, and I will spend the entire day with the family. While the kid is mostly a good kid, he does his best to test the limits of his mother’s love. I understand better now why she often calls me with frayed nerves during her weeks with him. While it is easy for me to let his crap slide, I have been exposed to it for three days… she deals with it without any backup every other week. In short, this is just another reason why we need the State Department to let me move here sooner rather than later. His mother needs reinforcements!

    It is another beautiful day in Dallas, and looking at the forecast for Dallas and California it will be quite some time before I see another cloud or cold day. I am back in Canada two weeks today, and that might be it. The evenings are more comfortable than they were during the summer, but the daytime highs are still in the mid-eighties… and in California, the forecasted high temperatures from Tuesday through Friday range from 89° to 93° Fahrenheit. I am packing a couple pair of long pants and long-sleeve shirts (and a jacket) … but only because I have to go to synagogue for the holiday.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 237

    It was no surprise this morning when I stepped onto the scale to discover I was up nearly half a pound. While the Goldfish crackers might have contributed to that, I suspect it was more just righting the tremendous drop from the day before. Losing six pounds in one day is unbelievable, and more often than not will right itself, as it did.

    If we assume that the tremendous walk was an offset for the cheat, I find myself exactly where I should be. Yes, I would like to get back below the 315lbs mark (as I was ever so briefly, a week ago today), but that will take a few more days. I would love to get to 310lbs by next Thursday when I am getting onto an airplane to see my wife! In the meantime, I am going to the doctor’s office tomorrow to get weighed, and I am truly hoping to be down at least 2kg from two weeks ago. If it wasn’t for that pesky trip to Montreal…

    While today is Tuesday, and I should in theory be going to Taekwondo, I am having dinner with my son the younger, and that will most likely conflict with the class. In case we end early (which is quite likely), I will take my dobok in the car with me. I would like to get back onto the mat, if possible, but at the same time, spending time with my son is more important.

    On that Taekwondo front, the 7:00pm class is for Black Belt preparation class, which will be good for me because I do need to relearn the patterns that I needed for lower levels. The 7:45pm class is the teen/adults class (all belts), so while it will be a good workout, I do not expect that it will help prepare me for my test… whenever that might be.

    Speaking of which, I just remembered that my Master called me last night, and I need to call him back. With luck, he might have time to meet for a coffee between my dentist appointment and meeting my son. If not, then hopefully later in the week.

    Thinking about it now, there is little chance I will be able to go for a walk today. Between now and 2pm there is a 70%-100% chance of rain every hour. At 2pm I have a dentist appointment. If I would not be sweating like a pig from it, I might walk in Oakville between the dentist and meeting my son, but there is no way to make that work. In the evening, I will either be with my son, or at Taekwondo. I am going to have an enforced day off. Fortunately, the forecast from tomorrow through Saturday is dry, so I’ll be able to get my steps in for the week.

    My plans for food are to make my chicken and salad for lunch, then a meal replacement or two in the evening. Hopefully I will be able to stick to the plan, especially with the enforced no-eating-for-an-hour-after-the-dentist zone.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 192

    Bumps in the weight loss road are easier to accept when you did something to veer into the bump. ‘Hey, I had a cheat meal, and then I ended up losing three days of progress.’ Easy to understand. When there was no such cheat, it is harder to come to terms with.

    From Tuesday to Wednesday, I gained 2.6 pounds. I do not know what I did to deserve that, but that does not make it any less real. Since then, while sticking to the plan, I have lost .4, .8, and .6 pounds each day, and I am still nearly a full pound up from what I weighed on Tuesday. I would like to scream at the world that it is not fair, but nobody would listen. Also, it is my experience that when you scream at the world, people tend to look at you like you are a mad man.

    I am happy that I am back down below my milestone. I am just frustrated that were it not for that one giant adjustment, I would be nearly at 325 lbs, and I would not be lamenting to my wife that by our next visit, I might not be able to reach the goal I was hoping for. I am still going to try of course… but only part of the success is in trying, while most of it is in actually succeeding.

    I am meeting my boys for breakfast this morning, and I am excited to see them. Owing to a combination of travel and despair, I have not seen Gilad since the first week of the month; I have not seen Aaron since the second week of June. it will be great to see them both today. Aaron asked if we could go somewhere different for breakfast, and we agreed on Cora’s, a chain of breakfast restaurants that originated in Montreal, and is known for their fanciful breakfasts.

    I decided, rather than going there and having to figure out what I can safely eat, to go on-line and decide in advance. As I am waiting until we get there to eat (rather than having a breakfast meal-replacement shake first), I know that the menu will have all sorts of temptations that in a moment of weakness I might succumb to. It took a bit of investigating, but I have settled on a breakfast called Peggy’s Poached. Off the menu, it comes with one poached egg on toast, a small dish of cottage cheese, and half a plate of fruit, and is listed at 411 calories. I will ask for a second poached egg, bringing the total to about 485 calories. I briefly considered the Yogurt and Harvest Crunch, but I could not easily find the nutritional information online. I cannot remember the last time I had cottage cheese, and I do not remember if I like it or not. If I do, then I can add it to my occasional list of foods.

    I will be taking off some weight this afternoon, as I am getting my hair cut. I have not had it cut in nearly two months, and it is really looking shaggy… especially when combined with the beard that I am trying to grow, which nearly two weeks into growth is still looking scraggly. I suspect there will be one more week before it looks like an actual beard, and not shrapnel from explosive Brillow pads. By the time I get to Dallas to see Leslie in three weeks, it should be looking pretty good.

    As expected, I did not walk yesterday, opting to give my feet a day to heal after the disastrous walk that was Thursday. Following my haircut, I will lace up my runners and head out for a good walk. I am planning for an 8-10km walk, but I will be careful, centering the first few kilometres close to home, just in case the damage to my heels cannot take the distance. I will not be proud, and if needed I will abort the walk. I do not want to be out of commission any longer than needed… and letting my heels heal is critical to getting back on track.

    Before I close, I would like to call out a non-scale victory. This morning I grabbed a golf shirt that has not fit me in 18-months, and it fits!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 176

    Yesterday I ate relatively normal… but yes, I ate shawarma for lunch and rotisserie chicken for dinner. I avoided temptation several times, including when my friend asked me to get her a Boston Maple Cream doughnut at Tim Hortons.

    This morning I met Esti for brunch and I was mostly good… a bagel with lox and cream cheese with a couple of poached eggs. From there we went to a funeral, and after that is where I went wrong. I picked up 4.5 dozen Montreal bagels to take to various people… two of which I ate with a couple of slices of cheese. Bad Mitch!

    I have now reorganized my trunk three times this trip. I truly regret not leaving my golf clubs at home… and maybe a few other things! I think I am finally mostly satisfied with it, and as long as I can drop my suitcase off at the hotel before collecting Leslie and her son from the airport tomorrow I should be fine.

    I had to make a very difficult decision last night. I have cut two friends out of my life, which is always very difficult for me. However there are things that I can live with, and there are things I just cannot accept. One of the friends I told, but the other I am just going to fade away. It is sad, but it was necessary… for two very different reasons.

    It is 3:15pm and I am still waiting for my passport to arrive so I can head down to New York. I am really stressed, because if it does not arrive today my entire weekend will be ruined. I really need to leave tonight, and if not everything goes to crap. I am sitting, outwardly calm, smoking a cigar. Inside, I am going nuts.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 151

    Father’s Day. My kids called, but did not have much to say. Leslie took me for a very special breakfast to a restaurant that her father introduced her to in Guatemala. We both miss our dads terribly and both of us have shed tears today.

    We are both sick. I must have caught a bug on the airplane. Leslie and I have terrible colds and hope to be better by tomorrow.

    I made fish for dinner with a nice salad. Yum!

  • On My Way

    I finally fell asleep around 3:30am and slept about 4.5 hours. Yes, I am tired. I took care of my morning rituals, and then I packed my sundries into my suitcase. Yes, it was really weird waking up without Princess Sophie needing to go for a walk.

    I mentioned in my middle-of-the-night post that I did not eat a second meal yesterday. I am not sure if that is why I was 2.2 lbs down on the scale this morning, or if it is the Taekwondo and golf, or if it is the weird sleep patterns of the last few nights. Whatever it is, I am taking it. This is my lowest recorded weight of the diet, just in time to go to Dallas.

    I should clarify… I am not going off my diet in Dallas; I am going to eat different than I usually do, but still smart. I do not want to come home in a week to find out I have gained ten pounds. No, that is definitely not my intent. As well, Leslie will still be working while I am there, so I plan to do some walking. Yes, I know how hot it will be down there… I am not going to push myself, and I am going to take plenty of water with me when I go out during the day.

    Speaking of water, Leslie reminded me that I cannot drink the tap water there. I am good with that… I know that we in Canada are spoiled, and even in California I filtered the tap water before drinking it. Bottled water will be big for me while I am there.

    My son the elder is driving me to the airport today. He is coming by in a couple of hours, so we get to spend some time in the car together. I do love spending time with him, and if anyone wonders why I do not call him by name, it is because I do not want to embarrass him. We have a great relationship now, but it was not always so good. I understand he is sensitive, and I am careful to not press him. That is why there are very few pictures of him on my Facebook page. I did show Master Sasha a recent photo of him the other night though, and Sasha was blown away. My son is now older that Sasha was when he was teaching him Taekwondo. How things change!

    I golfed with a couple of nice guys from China yesterday. None of us were great golfers, and we all had fun. After I duffed one shot, one of them pointed out that I might be having trouble because I wear two watches (I usually do not while playing golf… I have been a little out of sorts these last few days). I thanked him, but said I suspect it is because I am a lousy golfer who does not practice enough. That was the end of the discussion. This morning my left wrist is bothering me a little though. It is not hurting, but I certainly notice it is there. Note to self: Wear either the fitness watch or the nice watch when golfing… but never both of them.

    As we prepared to tee off, I was chatting with the starter, and I told him that I was just happy that I was shooting in the low 90s again. He told me that 90% of golfers never break 100. I don’t know if that is true, or one of those out-of-the-air statistics… but it made me feel better for how badly I have been playing!

    The local forecast for the day is hot and rainy, but I am wearing shorts. The average high/low temperatures in Dallas for the next week are 38°C/26.5°C… I am bringing a couple of pair of pants, but I expect to be wearing shorts almost every day of the trip. For those keeping score, yes… the average overnight low temperature in Dallas is higher than the average daytime high here. That is hot! Thank G-d for air conditioning, right?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 145

    I am not sure why I have been putting off writing this morning. I sat down at my computer over an hour ago, and it took me this long to get through my first sentences. Sigh.

    Yesterday morning I took my boys for breakfast at the same place we usually go. I sent our favourite waitress an email letting her know we would be coming, but she replied that she had been fired for no reason. Boo. The waitress makes little difference to the quality of the food (which is always good) or the coffee (which is always terrible), but a good server can make a meal more enjoyable. The woman serving us yesterday did not do that. Oh well. I had my usual healthy breakfast, and we had a nice time together.

    When we arrived at the restaurant, we were told there would be a 30–45-minute wait for a table, and that they would send me a text message when it was ready. We decided to walk across the street. The bookstore was closed, but the art supplies store was not. We walked around, and it turned out they sell STEM toys. My son the elder encouraged my son the younger to pick a couple out (as they were on a buy one, get 50% off the second sale), and while it was not his money to spend, I know that Gilad had never chosen a replacement STEM toy for the one that had not been delivered for his birthday. He was happy, and I never have an issue buying educational toys for my son.

    I had a headache from the moment I woke up, so after breakfast I came home and took a nap. HRF Princess Sophie was only too happy to keep me company. After a couple of hours, we got up and I went shopping… despite saying that I was going to, I did not go to the supermarket Saturday, and now I was completely out of veggies. When I came home, I made my chicken for dinner, and then sat outside with a cigar.

    I have a friend Josh who I have known for years, and a few years ago he and his wife invited me to celebrate Thanksgiving with them. Never one to turn down a turkey dinner, I was happy to bring a bottle of wine and cigars for after dinner. As we were smoking outside, he asked me: “Mitch, why is it that when I smoke any other cigar, I am left with a lousy taste in my mouth both that evening and the following morning… but when I smoke one of your cigars, I don’t get that?” The simple answer is that I only share very good cigars. Last night I smoked a cigar that was gifted to me by a friend, and let me tell you… I had to brush my teeth and gargle extra hard last night… and this morning. It was a very well-appointed cigar, with a double band that as embossed with the logo and fine print. The phrase ‘lipstick on a pig’ comes to mind. Still and all, when that friend asks me how it was, I will be nice about it.

    I mentioned yesterday that the previous day I had a very unpleasant encounter with someone. That person had told an extremely offensive anti-Semitic joke about gassing Jews, and as a result I will not hang out with or around that person again. It turns out though that I had inadvertently hurt Ryan’s sister’s feelings, and I felt terrible about that. I sent her an apology this morning, and hope that she will forgive me. I cannot help though but to wonder if her level of offense (the day after the fact) might not be somehow tied to the fact that her boyfriend is an anti-Semite, and she might be trying to create an equality that ‘Well yes, he said something that offended you… but you said something that offended me too, so it’s all good.’ I made sure that my apology did not try to excuse my words as anything other than stupid comments… but still I wonder.

    It is a beautiful day out, and I am looking forward to doing something I have not done in over a year. This afternoon I have a massage appointment booked, and I look forward to hopefully relieving some of the tension that is in my back and shoulders. I might take the opportunity to turn my mattress before I go, so that I will be sleeping on a fresh side. If I was smart, I would also go to buy new pillows… but knowing that in the next few months I will be moving in with Leslie, I do not want to rush to do that now. I am trying to keep my buying to a minimum… I already have too much stuff.

    Have a great day folks, and enjoy the weather… wherever you are!

  • Day 124

    I cheated yesterday, and I paid for it on the scale this morning. Yesterday morning, after a breakfast shake, I went to see my ex-wife and my kids. She had some things to tell me about Gilad’s development issues and tests, and I had to tell her that I was getting married again. Not to be outdone, she mentioned that her boyfriend will likely be moving into their house to live with them at some point soon, and the only reason they are not getting married is because he would then have to start filing tax returns in the US.

    Needless to say, when they then put food down in front of me, I ate. I do not think I overate terribly. I ate two slices of sourdough bread (with chocolate chips – a collaborative creation of my son the elder and his mother) with margarine, and a bowl of oatmeal with nuts, and some freshly sliced fruit. Oh, and they also made eggs… and had I known at the outset that there would be scrambled eggs, I might have stuck to that… except for the information exchanged between my ex-wife and myself, which caused no small amount of stress.

    I should mention as well that while my son the elder knew about my engagement, and has in fact met my fiancée, my son the younger did not, and I had to tell him as well. Fortunately, everyone seemed to take the news well, and it is possible that the stress and anxiety with which I spent the last week might have been for naught.

    Tomorrow morning, I am going to the doctor’s office to get weighed and will then take Gilad for breakfast. He and I like to spend time alone once every couple of weeks, so even though I did see him yesterday, I will see him tomorrow as well… unless Theresa tells me that Thursday or Friday would work better. We shall see.

    Yes, I am writing later than usual today. I had a class to teach, and now that it is behind me, I have some leisure time to write. Have a great evening everyone!

  • Day 95

    Sad news of loss is always a potential trigger for bad behaviour. If not outward, then certainly dietary. I was saddened to receive word last night that a friend of mine had passed away. I knew that I could not let my emotions get the better of me, and I stayed the course. I did not indulge. In fact, the only food that I had after hearing the distressing news was my evening shake. I am quite proud of myself for that.

    In short, yesterday I ate what I was meant to eat on my revised program. I had a meal replacement in the morning and in the evening, at lunch I had my main meal, and for dinner I had a salad with salmon. I drank more water than I do most days, but that might be owing to my walk. Five kilometers is a long way to go, and the sweat lost must be replenished!

    While I was feeling the effects of the walk all evening, I am feeling much better for it this morning. I do not feel that my muscles are crying, and given the opportunity, I might happily go for another walk today. Sadly, after spending a couple of hours taking my son for brunch, I will be congregating with friends to mourn Cam’s passing. He was a fellow cigar smoker, and we will spend the afternoon doing just that – smoking cigars in his honour.

    Speaking of breakfast with my son, I will take him, and I will be careful. I know there are too many temptations at a breakfast/brunch table, and I will do my best to stay as true to the program as I can. If on every second Sunday I am going to break my diet routine to spend an enjoyable couple of hours with my boy, then I will do so happily; at the same time, I can focus on good behaviours, and not go nuts. The plan is to have a vegetarian omelet, no potatoes, no toast. It is near to as boring a brunch meal as I can think; my weight did not get so out of hand as to require a year-long extreme weight-loss program to recover by being boring. Knowing that is how I got to where I am (and to where I was three months ago), I will forego the exciting at the restaurant.

    It is a beautiful day out. The sun is shining, and while the forecasted high temperature is 13°c (55°F), it looks like the daytime temps will be a couple of degrees shy of that. I don’t mind… I’ll have my jacket if I need it, and we will sit around sharing stories of our friend. Our friend who never took care of himself. Our friend who five years ago lost his leg to diabetes, and never made any lifestyle changes to prevent the loss of much more. Our friend who has been falling deeper into the depths of despair and depression, who spent so much of his time cloistered in his untidy basement apartment, and who, despite the encouragements of so many of us, did nothing to prevent his senseless and premature passing. In the large group who will be there this afternoon, we will share the wonderful stories of him. When those who were not as intimate are gone, we will lament that we did all that we could, but it was never going to be enough unless he was going to do his part. He stopped doing his part months ago.

    If ever there was a sign from the universe that I am on the right track, and that I need to get myself healthy and into shape, it is this. So yes, I will raise a single dram to his honour today… but I shall neither eat nor drink my sadness away. Unlike Cam, I have way too much to live for.

    Have a great day folks.