Losing a part of me

Category: Meal Replacements

  • Day 437

    I’m on my way! Very excited to be sure.

    Two things happened yesterday. 1) I dropped below my best weight ever. 2) I dropped off the program… at least temporarily.

    I wrote about Number 1 in yesterday’s article, and that’s all good.

    So why did I drop off the program? Do I lack the willpower? I do not. Did I succumb to temptation? I did not. The simple answer is that I listened to my body. Nearly all week I have been suffering from bowl issues. Monday and Tuesday it would have been easy to write off to the foods that I ate over the weekend. By the time Friday afternoon rolls around and I am still having troubles, with the added consequence of the hemorrhoids (which are almost certainly related to the diarrhoea), and I have to accept that my body is trying to tell me something. Since Sunday I have jogged fifty kilometres, an average of over 8km per day. With the exception of Sunday, I have ingested little more than 900 calories per day. I am not a doctor, but I would not be surprised if my body were just saying that I have been overdoing it. After speaking with Leslie, I decided to make some food. I went a bit overboard… I had veggie burgers, then a bag of mini crisps. I am sure that tomorrow morning my weight will pop above this morning’s record-breaker, but I would rather be healthy.

    This morning I arrived at the airport and decided that while I would not be going nuts today, I would also not be restricting myself the way I have for so long. I sat down at the same restaurant where I had breakfast last time and ordered something different. After reading the description I realized that the breakfast poutine was not nearly as bad as it sounded, so I decided to give it a go. It was essentially scrambled eggs and cheese over hashbrowns, and it was quite tasty. I will likely have a salad for lunch today, but not because it is the only thing that I can eat without falling off a cliff. I will stay mindful, but I am going to give myself a fair bit more leeway over the next week than I have previously.

    I gained weight this morning according to the bathroom scale. I am two pounds up from yesterday, and no longer in best weight ever territory… but I am also trying to get my body back to health. As I stood waiting for my flight this morning, I remembered that it is so easy when one is not feeling well to think the worst, or to think that the pain or discomfort will be the new normal. I do not think that so, and I know that in a few days I will be getting back to normal with my issues. That does not mean I will be getting back to my full-fast program; that is something I will be giving a lot more thought to.

    I have been telling myself these last few weeks that I am nearing the end of my full-fast phase of weight loss, and at a certain point it will be time to ween myself off it. I have not made any decisions yet, but following my trip, assuming I am feeling better, I am going to speak with my doctor and am probably going to resume my partial program – three shakes and one meal per day, or two plus two. I think my intake might depend on my exercise. I think, however, that if these last couple of days is actually my body telling me to slow down, then before I resume anything serious, I want my doctor to give me an examination (including blood work) to make sure I am not doing any damage. I do not think that I am, but I have said from the very beginning that I want to do this the right way.

    I am presently 30,000 feet over South Bend, Indiana… I do not usually post from airplanes, but it is not unheard of. The rest of the day, following my arrival, will have fun, sun, and cigars. No word on my plans just yet because where I am going I will have to rely on others.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 432

    Yesterday was one of those days where very little went as planned, and almost everything worked out great. I had lunch with my son the younger at Lone Star Texas Grill, where I did eat four tortilla chips but only four. When the waiter told us he would be right back with the chips and salsa I told him not to bring them, unless he could bring celery sticks in place of the chips. He did not. The four chips that I took were off my son’s plate of chips and queso. He tried to ask the waiter to refill the queso at one point, not understanding that he was asking for another order. I explained to him that what he had eaten, combined with the chicken wings that he would be bringing home with him, was enough. He demurred. I ate my fajita bowl with grilled chicken, but I forgot to ask him to leave out the cheese. This was bad because I cannot mix cheese with chicken, but good because they were not mixed. I simply cut the food around the cheese and left that – along with most of the rice. All in all, I don’t think I ate too badly.

    When I was dropping him off, I asked him to bring the present in for his brother. As I sat in the car answering a text, he ran back up to the car and told me I was invited in. His brother was thrilled with the bottle that I had selected for him and invited me to sit down for a wee taste of it… and insisted his mother (read: my ex-wife) join us. Theresa and I get along just fine, but I have known her for seventeen years and I have never seen her enjoy even the smallest drop of whisky or whiskey, but our son insisted and poured for her the smallest portion, just to taste it. The look on her face was exactly what I would have expected, and while it was mildly entertaining to watch, I felt bad for her having to drink something that she really does not like. The rest of the conversation (which lasted more than two hours) was extremely pleasant (Theresa did not stay for most of it) and my son and I caught up. It was absolutely delightful… and extremely interesting in ways that I will not share in public. I am so happy for him though!

    Had I devoured an entire plate of tortilla chips, or even a full dram of whiskey (I did have half an ounce, and he was right insofar as it is absolutely the best Irish whiskey I’ve had), I might have come home and felt so guilty that I would have immediately suited up and gone for a jog. I did not feel guilty about what I ate yesterday (although I do feel bad about the previous day), but it was such a gorgeous day that I felt I needed to hit the road. Julie had canceled our meeting, and my buddy Eduardo was going to come over after 6:00pm for a cigar, so I suited up and did just that. I had no expectations, I just wanted to get a workout in.

    Jogging

    • pb Distance: 11km (13.45 km) **
    • pb Duration: 1:27:32 (1:18:45)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 7m57s (6m00s)
    • pb Steps: 13,750 (11,350)
    • Calories burned: 1,400 (1,626)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 155 (155)

    ** While I know I have recorded a higher distance on the treadmill, due to calibration issues I have little faith in the accuracy of that activity. This distance was measured by GPS and I believe it to be accurate.

    I killed it. I jogged a full 11km with fewer stops than I have done do far, and one of those stops was because I needed to take a chat. I would have gone farther if it was not for Eduardo, but I know that he would be arriving around 6:00pm, and I did not want him to wait too long for me. Had he not been coming over I would have tried to finish the 15km that would earn me the badge for the month of March. While I still have a few days to try to achieve that, I am not sure that I will… I was surprised that I was able to do 11km without falling down! I did, in the meantime, crack the top 22% for the yearlong challenge on the other app that I mentioned. While it is somewhat disconcerting to see that I am in something like 28,000th place, knowing that there are 132,500 participants in the challenge (and that more than 100,000 of those are behind me) does feel good. Also, I know that the point of the challenge is not to win, but to complete it. The prizes will be raffled off to those who complete the challenge, and not awarded to the winners.

    I am still very upset that I lost my Black Belt. There are still two places where it might be, but I am resigned to the fact that I will almost certainly be buying a new one this week. While the money does not bother me as much (it will cost about $50 to replace), there is an emotional attachment to such an item. Unlike my previous belts which were tied on to me by my GrandMaster, this one I purchased myself (I was promoted officially after I had moved to California), but I am still attached to it. There are still two places where it might be – one is at the Taekwondo school where I will be training, so I will be able to drop in today to ask, and the other is in Dallas (which is much less likely) – but I am not holding out hope. I will check… but when I get to the dojang today and they tell me it is not there, I will bite the bullet and order a new one. It is sad, but it is necessary. In the meantime, I have a second belt with the appropriate rank. When I had my belt made, they accidentally confused inches with centimetres, so I have an embroidered belt that is five sizes too small. I will not be able to wear it properly, but at least I will be able to wear it.

    Yesterday was a day filled with huge positives. I already mentioned that I spent some great quality time with each of my sons in turn, which was great. I also had a nice and positive conversation with my ex-wife about the progress of my son the younger and our struggles with getting him the appropriate help for him and his issues. Seeing a number of my friends who are divorced parents who have horrible relationships with their ex-partners, I am always so grateful that Theresa and I have always been able to maintain a civil relationship. We will never be friends, but there is no animosity. I thank G-d for that. I digress. My son the elder commented that he noticed that I have lost a lot of weight and that I am looking great. I showed him the most recent before/after picture that I took a couple of weeks ago, and he was so amazed that he called his mother downstairs to come look at it. Later in the evening I realized that while I had a milestone a few months back for dropping below the weight I was when Leslie first saw me, I am also now at the lowest weight that Theresa has ever seen me. When I lose five more pounds, I will weigh less than I did when any of my three wives knew me. That blows my mind… not only the weight, but the fact that I have been married three times. I never thought I would be one of those statistics. Hopefully with all of the work I have done to improve myself – both mentally and emotionally but also physically – Leslie and I will be able to live happily ever after together.

    The next great feeling was when my neighbour – Charlie’s mom – commented yesterday that I have lost a lot of weight. It always makes me smile! She asked how much, and I told her. She was floored, and asked how I did it. I told her that it was a lot of hard work… and the realization that the pace at which Princess Sophie walks is not exercise. It did not hurt that I said this as I was coming in from my jog

    I just had a conversation with my mechanic. The car has to go in to check the transmission. The first step will be to check the transmission fluid. If it is not that, this is going to be a very expensive week. I am truly hoping it is the fluid. MY appointment is an hour from now, so I should know more by lunchtime. I will bring my eBook reader with me to the appointment in case it is going to take a while… and a cigar. Yes, it is a bit chilly out, but if this exercise might cost me anywhere from $100 to $3000, I think a cigar to keep me relaxed would not be the worst idea!

    After three days of gaining weight (2.8 lbs.) I was happy to drop 1.2 lbs. this morning on the bathroom scale, despite my cheat eating. I have to assume that the jogging really helps. I was still above 260, but only very minimally. I am now 1.6 lbs. heavier than my best weight yet, and 5.2 lbs. from my best post-Army weight ever. Knowing that, my plan for the day is to stay on track and to stay mindful. After my trip to the mechanic, assuming that my car is drivable, I will go to the gym for a good run, to be followed by a good hydro massage and a shvitz. I am teaching this evening, so I have to be back here by 5:00pm, which is not a problem. I am truly hoping that my car is still drivable, because if it is not then I will not be going to the gym, instead taking an Uber to come back home. I suppose I could take the Uber to the gym… I will consider that when the time comes. I should also plan to take my meal replacement with me to the mechanic. My appointment is at 11:30, and I am due for the meal replacement between 1:00p and 1:30pm. In the best-case scenario, I will be drinking it as I drive to the gym.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 427

    After an extremely productive bowel movement, I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning and was shocked. I cannot remember the last time I saw a one-day weight drop of more than four pounds, but there it was. In a single day, completely unexpectedly, I not only dropped below the 260-pounds mark… but I blew right past my best weight from 2020 (by over 1.5 lbs.), beating the pace I had set on my comparative chart by a full three weeks. You see, on February 3 I looked at what I weighed, and realizing that I was 24.8 lbs. from my best weight of 2020, I decided to create a chart of my daily weigh-ins from that attempt. It took be sixty-nine days to lose those 24.8 lbs. back then, with a lot of hiccoughs along the way. In 2023 it took me forty-eight days. I am now solidly in best-weight-yet territory, and I am less than four pounds from achieving my best adult weight that I have any reliable record of. I am blown away, and more motivated than ever to keep going!

    According to the app that is connected to my bathroom scale, my Body Mass Index (BMI) this morning is 33.2, a tremendous one-day drop. It was a scant nineteen days ago that it dropped (for the final time) below 35. Mornings like this, when I see a huge and unexpected drop on the bathroom scale, make me look at things more finely than I usually do. Frankly, of late I know that I have spent a lot of time obsessing over my numbers and charts. I know that I have to start tempering this obsession with my weight loss, but on days like today that can be tough. After seeing the doctor, I will drive into Toronto to pick up my meal replacements, then I will come right back home, finish this entry (and publish it on my blog), and I will go about the rest of my day. For now, as I sit here at 7:45am, I am happy to take a few moments to kvell.

    There is a challenge on one of the apps I use to track my progress called You Vs. The Year 2023. The goal is to walk or run 1,023 kilometres in the calendar year. There are some pretty sweet prizes that those who complete the challenge can win (there will be a raffle). I only discovered the challenge a couple of days ago, but all of my walking and running from the beginning of the year are counted. Checking out the leaderboard I have actually run/walked nearly 200km… although that number is likely slightly higher, since only two workouts per day can be counted. I know there was a day a few weeks ago when I ran then walked then ran then walked, and that was four workouts… two of those would be discarded. So be it. I also see that of the 130,301 people currently enrolled in the challenge, I am ranked 32,700… nowhere near the top, but in the top twenty-five percent. I am quite happy with that!

    I picked Kerry up from the train station (as is the custom), so it was not until we got to my building that I stood up and she saw me. ‘How are you so thin? What happened to you? Did you leave part of yourself in Dallas?’ It felt amazing to hear her notice my weight loss. When we got upstairs, I showed her the most recent before/after photos and she was astonished. To put things in perspective, I am now fifteen pounds from having lost her body weight. That is a real trip!

    My outdoor jog yesterday was tougher than I thought it would be, but with a few short breaks to breathe I was able to complete a 10km outdoor run for the first time. There is an obvious difference between the mapping software I used to calculate the route in advance and the actual route, because what I had mapped at just short of 11km prior to setting out would have been short of 10km, and I only reached that number because there was a very long freight train that impeded my forward progress, so I circled back twice (nearly a full kilometre in total) waiting for it to pass. Most likely, the difference can be chalked up to running on the close sidewalk, rather than driving in the far lane of traffic. No matter, I did my first outdoor 10km run, and I feel great for it!

    Jogging

    • Distance: 10.1 km (8 km)
    • Duration: 1:22:34 (45:43)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 8m11s (5m42s)
    • pb Steps: 12,795 (6,390)
    • Calories burned: 1,243 (636)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 155 (153)

    I am feeling like I can do anything… knowing that I am down so significantly since I left for Dallas just thirteen days ago (and remembering all of the cheating eating I did in that time) I have to wonder how long it might take me to get down to my ideal weight, whatever that might be. I cannot imagine that it will take me the rest of this calendar year but am going to remain cautiously optimistic. If my rate of loss were to drop to 2.8 lbs. per week then on my birthday, I would weigh less than 220 lbs. … a 115-lbs. drop from my last birthday. Before the middle of August, I would drop below 200 lbs., which I have not weighed since I was a teenager. I only have to stay focused and on track… but at a certain point, I am going to have to start listening to my body for signs that it is enough. As I have said, I do not know what I should weigh as a healthy fifty-year-old male. According to the BMI Calculator, I will not be ‘healthy’ until I drop to 194 pounds, which means I am less than sixty-five pounds away. I am 26 pounds from dropping from Obese Class I to Overweight, which will be a great accomplishment, but I still feel I am a couple of months away from hitting that goal… not quite a short-term goal yet.

    I am off to my doctor’s appointment and will find out what I weigh on his scale this morning. Last night I told Leslie how wonderful it would be to drop another 2kg from my last weigh-in. As it stands, if my bathroom scale is any indicator, that loss might be closer to an unheard of 5kg. The now very real possibility that in just over 90 minutes I will know if I have not only dropped below 120 kg, but also surpassed the 60kg lost mark simply blows my mind! If I do not make that, then I will still be down, and will have another milestone to look forward to two weeks from now.

    Shock and disbelief are words that continue to describe my reactions this morning. It is currently 11:45am. Just four hours ago I wrote that I was hoping my official weigh-in would have me down better than 2kg, although my bathroom scale was measuring me down nearly 5kg. The reality was much closer to that latter number than the former. I was floored to see I have dropped 4.7kg in two weeks. I have officially lost 60.8kg (134 lbs.) since my journey began. How can that be?

    Driving into Toronto I spoke with my wife about everything I discussed with the doctor, including my response to his question ‘what is your final goal.’ As I have written herein several times, I told him that I do not know. I did decide, however, that on June 1 I will be transitioned back onto regular food. I discussed this with Leslie, and she told me that she supports me as long as I no longer see myself as a fat man. I responded that might take a lot longer and we discussed the psychological effects of long-term obesity.

    I mentioned June 1 as my end date for a few reasons, but I do not think I had discussed it with anyone (nor written it down) before. The only reason it came to mind today was because the nurse at the clinic where I buy my meal replacements informed me that on that date the price of the products will be going up. While that is the reason I thought of it today, the price increase is not the reason I made that decision. I should mention that I will very likely buy another case of the meal replacements right before the price increase; Doing the math, and taking into consideration my next trip to Dallas, I would finish my current allotment plus one more case of the meal replacements on June 4. If I purchase one more case, that will allow me four more weeks of the full-fast program… but I am planning to use the final case to transition off of the full-fast at a measured and reasonable pace. While I have a couple of months ahead of me to think about it, my transition off of the program is something I will have to give consideration to. I will start discussing that plan with my doctor at our next appointment.

    It is a cloudy day outside, and while the temperatures are forecast to reach 7° by 6:00pm, I still think I am going to opt for a trip to the gym today. The treadmill is not as liberating as is jogging outside, but it does force me to push myself harder; I do not know why my pace on the treadmill is so much quicker than it is outside, but it is. Of course, the gym also allows me the added bonus of the post-workout sauna, which feeling my muscles today will be welcome relief. I am teaching this evening, which means I will be spending a great deal of time sitting down; a quick Google search confirms that some of the muscles I should be feeling with my increased jogging are also the ones I find myself sitting on!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 402

    I knew my weight was going to be up this morning before I even stepped onto the bathroom scale. I said to myself that as long as my weight remained below 275 lbs., then I would be happy. Okay, that is not entirely accurate… I said, ‘Please, at least be under 274.5 lbs.’ it was 274.6, which is exactly the same (my bathroom scale does 2/10ths and so that was as close as it would get. It is not that I was expecting to gain weight based on bad behaviour; it was a simple matter of the inaccuracies of yesterday’s weights, and that the fluctuations made me leery about the accuracy. Couple that with another day of terrible weather keeping me sequestered in the house, and an unproductive bowel movement, I end up .4 lb. heavier this morning than I was yesterday. Tomorrow will be lower – it is simply not possible to consume under 950 calories in a day and not lose weight. I just have to be patient about it.

    I noticed in the night that my hips are aching a little. These are the hips that until recently were completely insulated by layers of fat, which I can now feel. The aches are not significant, and they are not keeping me awake. I suspect they are just making me aware of some of the changes that my body has gone through… and continues to go through. There have been other aches over the last few months. Most of these I have written about in these pages but are now behind me. I am sure that if there were pains that were significant and lasting enough, I would have discussed them with my doctor. I do see him at least once every month, and I think I have been doing a good job of keeping him in the loop. When I started on this journey, I knew that medical supervision would be important, and that would not simply be about watching the numbers on the scale drop. There are side-effects of dramatic weight loss that need to be watched, and not all of them are predictable. Add to that the fact that even while I was still morbidly obese, I was doing a lot more exercise than might be prescribed, and you have a body dropping a huge amount of weight that needs to be watched closely by medical professionals. Don’t get me wrong… it is great to get the encouragement and pats on the back from the nurse whenever I dropped a significant amount of weight. That was never why I asked to see them on a regular basis. It is for these aches and pains that arise from tremendous changes. If my hips are still bothering me at my next appointment, then I will discuss it with him.

    I mentioned a couple of times that Leslie and I discussed the end game… what I will look like, how she can support me, and so on. Another big component that we discussed that is less pleasant is that I will likely need surgery to remove excess skin. Yes, as unpleasant a thought as it is, my skin has been stretched over the last twenty-five years to support between a huge amount of excess body mass. While it might once have, it is unlikely that at my age it will have the elasticity to bounce back to what it should be. When I first went through the orientation for the program in 2017, this was something that they discussed. I looked around the room and thought to myself that the people there were older, larger, and much more out of shape than I am… it would apply to them, but not to me. In 2020 I was with a woman who pointed out that what I thought was still fat was also partly loose skin. Whether it would have applied to me at the time or not, it almost certainly will now. I am not excited about that. I do not like surgery for anything, but to have excess skin removed so that my body doesn’t look like a deflated balloon… yeah, that’s certainly unsettling.

    In a couple of hours, I am going to spend time with a couple of friends smoking cigars. The original plan was for me to spend the afternoon in Cambridge with a buddy (doing precisely that), but he texted me last night to cancel. Fortunately, Sam and Eduardo are available, and I will only have to drive to Milton instead of Cambridge. The only difference is that Princess Sophie won’t come to Milton… we smoke at Sam’s business, and it is not really appropriate to bring her. She will get to relax at home, and maybe the neighbour will grab her for a playdate with Charlie. In the meantime, I am going to stick to the program. Gaining .4 lb. this morning is not going to put me off the program. The one thing I will remember is that the last time I drove up there, I picked up a coffee at Starbucks… and it was horrible. I suspect they mixed two different blends, and I did not enjoy it at all. I will decide if I am going to make coffee here or pick up a cup on the way… but make sure they give me the right blend. We’ll see… it is nice to have the change, but they have to make it right!

    Stay on track, stay focused. I only wish I had not planned better – while I can mix my shake in the blender bottle, I much prefer the consistency of it when I make it in the blender. I won’t have a choice for my second meal replacement of the day, so I will bring the proper implements to mix it at Sam’s place. It will not be the biggest compromise I have to make in this program, and I will do it gladly. I only hope that Sam has ice cubes in the freezer… they do taste better ice cold! Speaking of which, I finished the case of water that I always keep in the car. I will make a point to pick a new case up today. I also think I will need to pick up some more coffee… I am not quite out, but I am low enough that if I have to be at the supermarket anyways to pick up water, I might as well pick up coffee at the same time.

    Okay folks, I am going to get to it. I have about thirty minutes of paperwork that I want to get done before I head out, so I should stop procrastinating. Also, now that I think of it, I am not sure if I am able to pick up my shoes from the cobbler today, or if it is next Saturday that they will be ready. I only remember that I was relieved that I will have them back in time to bring them to Dallas. I’ll try to call and confirm.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 398 (The Real One)

    Somehow, I did it again. I noticed yesterday that I had missed a day. I went back and fixed it in the journal, and later today I will take care of it in the online blog. I have no idea how tired I must have been to just skip a number. Sure enough, both my on-line and off-line entries skipped from Day 385 to Day 387. I’ll fix it today, I promise. Sheesh!

    When I set out for my jog yesterday, I was not sure if I would be able to push myself farther than I did last week. After the previous Sunday’s outing when I was able to jog the first 3km of my route, I was hoping to improve upon that two days later. I could not. I set out on much the same path as I had that day, hoping. After the first kilometre I was unsure if I would even make it to three kilometres.

    If there is one thing they teach you in the Army, it is a drive to push yourself. When I hit the 3km mark I decided to try to make it just a little bit farther… maybe 3.2km, maybe 3.5. I was shocked when I made the turn off of Appleby Line onto Upper Middle, still jogging. The pace for the last two kilometres was as unimpressive as they come, but I logged 4km at a trot, and I am taking that as a win. I stretched the remaining route home into a 3km walk and felt good when I got into the shower a few minutes later.

    One of the women I am trying to support through her journey and I spoke after I got home, and she asked if I felt that jogging sped up the weight loss process. I told her that I do not know, and that it certainly did not prevent a nearly two-pound gain after my run-in with the nachos and salsa last weekend, but other than that, I know that even if it does not help, it certainly does not hurt! It is unfortunate that this morning, after a very good jog and not a bit of cheat, my weight was still up more than half a pound. It is frustrating, but I know it is the downward trend that matters so much more than the individual points on a graph. I also know that I was not able to have a successful bowel movement this morning, which might have made at least a bit of a difference. Tomorrow is my official weigh-in at the doctor’s office, and I am hoping for another good loss… 3.5kg would be huge.

    I am on this giant push to get to my best weight ever. I want to weigh less than I remember myself ever weighing. I want to be in better shape than I have been since I was in the Army, although I know that there is no amount of weight loss or exercise that will ever help me get back into that shape again. I just want to be the best me that I can be. My email signature has the Japanese word kaizen at the bottom, which means constant incremental improvement. I do not have to make huge, giant leaps… I need to make small improvements day after day.

    Getting through class last night was harder than usual. I am not sure that is not because I jogged in the afternoon but did not increase my caloric or nutritional intake. I did not even make myself a cup of tea during the class, which means that my total caloric intake for the day was about 910 calories (between the three cups of coffee I drank I probably had a third of a cup of cashew milk between them, which would be about 8 calories), but I did not have my final meal replacement until after class, which meant that I was working on 685 calories; between the three activities I logged during the day (walking the dog, jogging, then walking) I burned 1055 calories. I doubt anyone will be surprised that I was a little light-headed by the time we took our mid-evening break. I thought about drinking my shake then but decided against it. I did drink a couple of large cups of water throughout the evening, which helped me to get through the class.

    I was exhausted by the time I finished, happy to have my evening meal replacement… which I ate far too late, and which might just be a contributing factor to this morning’s weight gain. I got into bed and spoke with Leslie for a bit, comforted by her beautiful smile and the sound of her voice. I am losing weight for myself first and foremost… but when she tells me about improvements she sees in me – even over the tiny screen of the phone – it always makes me smile. I feel ridiculous saying that when I arrive there is to be a full eighteen pounds lighter than the day I left there, an insignificant loss… when I know that eighteen pounds in thirty-six days comes out to an incredible half-pound-per-day lost. Were I to maintain that pace, I would weigh 210 lbs. by my birthday, and I would let Leslie take me out for a cheat meal without worrying about counting carbs and sugars. Maybe for my 52nd birthday we can do that.

    I am driving into Toronto today for two reasons. I will pick up my meal replacements, and I am helping a community organization with some computer issues they are having. I am happy to volunteer to help them, as long as they understand in advance that my visit is a one-time deal. I know they pay a consultant to maintain their systems, and I have never yet walked into an organization like this one where there was not a board member who ‘knows someone who works in IT’ and who makes sure that person – either a friend or a relative – gets the paid work. They can call someone like me in to advise on more complicated issues, but if I was expecting to be paid for it, I would be holding my breath for a long time… and if I was expecting them to say ‘Oh my G-d, Mitch… you are definitely better than this than our board member’s friend… we are going to fire him and hire you!’ then I might as well expect them to send a unicorn-drawn chariot to collect me. No, today’s efforts will be a one-off, and if they have the wherewithal to give me a charitable donation receipt for my work then I’ll be happy to put that against my taxes.

    I will stay on course today. I may be driving into the city to pick up my meal replacements, but I do not want to have to open the sealed box to take from there. I will bring two meal replacement pouches with me, along with my shaker bottle. How ironic would it be if I were to fall off the program because I went to get my shakes and was not prepared? No, that will definitely not happen to me. Not today. Preparedness and mindfulness will win the day. I am sure the nurse who works at the clinic will talk with me for a bit; she is very nice and chatty. If she asks, I can honestly tell her that since I saw her last on January 16, I have lost nearly seventeen pounds, and since my first day on the full fast, meal replacements only program (January 11) I have lost over 23 lbs., which comes to an average of just over .5 lb. per day. If anyone wants proof that this program works, they can just ask me! Of course, I will also tell her that includes a week in Dallas on my modified program, which makes the pace even more amazing.

    The forecast for the rest of the week does not look jogging-friendly, so tomorrow I am going to go to the gym. For two reasons, today will not be a good day for me to get out and exercise, either outside (and it should be a nice day for the morning at least) or at the gym. I have to go into the city, but also, I want to give my body a rest after yesterday’s jog. I know that last week after I jogged two days in a row, I really felt it in my quadriceps for a few days. Taking a break between outings might go a long way to preventing or at least minimizing that. If it does not, then at least I will know.

    Stay on track. Stay mindful. Succeed. That is the order of the day! Tomorrow morning, I will be seeing the doctor who will be happy to see that I continue to make progress. I suspect that if not this time, then one day over the next few visits he is going to start asking me about my plans for long-term sustainability. Platitudes like ‘mindfulness and vigilance’ are great mantras for me to follow, but at the same time I also know that they are just that, and I will have to start planning for a future which includes food… hopefully healthier foods and smarter quantities of it, but food, nonetheless. I expect he will be encouraged (as am I) by my ability to spend a week in Dallas and actually lose weight on the modified program… but what about when the program is completely over? How will I structure my meals and my meal planning? Will I have to go straight to the Internet whenever someone asks me to meet them at a restaurant? Will I be checking the nutritional values of every meal option, weighing the pros and cons? Will I ever be able to sit down at a restaurant, look at the menu and just say ‘what am I in the mood for today?’ Probably not. I am an addict, and an addict who lets himself go just a little can fall off that cliff. I suspect that app that I use that lets me know the nutritional values of every meal and every morsel will be a permanent part of my life. It is a small price to pay to get slim and to stay slim.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 397

    Thirteen months. I did not realize until I typed in the title for this morning’s journal entry that today is February 20th, which puts us exactly thirteen months since I started on this epic journey of change, of self-deprivation, of bettering myself, and of long-winded journal entries reminiscent of I don’t know what. It has been a journey of minor successes and failures that has amounted thus far to a huge, tremendous metamorphosis from the massively and morbidly obese to being on the cusp of dropping from Obesity Class II to Class I.

    After dropping significantly yesterday morning, and not having done any physical activity yesterday, I did not expect a significant drop in the numbers on the bathroom scale. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I dropped a full pound. In comparison to my last go-around in 2020, I am now 3.8 lbs. ahead of that pace, which would have been the day I drove home from Las Vegas. I see that I weighed myself the following morning, so that timing makes sense. If I stay on course, that number should increase significantly over the next eleven days, as I can see that it was eleven days from now that I was last at this morning’s weight in 2020.

    With so many of them on the near horizon, I decided, as I lay in bed last night, that it would be a good idea to list out my next few short-term goals. I have written of all of them in these pages, but last night I felt that a cohesive list would be helpful to me:

    • Drop below 275 lbs. by March 2 (the day I visit the tailor). Should I manage to lose an average of 0.3 lbs. per day between now and then, I will beat that mark by nearly one pound.
    • Drop below 272.4 lbs., my best weight from 2017. While this is a personal milestone, it will also mark a huge transition for the medical field, as it is at that weight that my BMI will officially drop below 35, and I will no longer be classified as Obesity Class II.
    • Drop below 270 lbs. by March 9 (the day I fly to Dallas). If I lose an average of 0.4 lbs. per day then I will still be 0.4 lbs. off that mark, but it would still be a success.
    • Gain no more than 2 lbs. during my trip to Dallas. The morning following my return from Dallas will be Day 425, March 20. On my comparative chart to 2020 I weighed 270.6 on September 4. Even though I see that in 2020 I would fluctuate around the 270-lbs. mark until September 21, I am going to revise this goal somewhat: Return from Dallas at or below 270.6 lbs.
    • Drop below 260.4 lbs., my best weight from 2020.
    • Drop to (or below) 255 lbs., by best weight ever post-Army (from February 2005). This, incidentally, will also double as the 140-pounds-lost mark… something huge to look forward to!
    • Drop below 250 lbs., that major milestone that I have no recollection of honestly weighing, the half-century.
    • Drop to 230 lbs., at which point I will be classified as overweight, but no longer Obese.

    Looking back on this list, it is not realistic to call some of these short-term goals. If we could classify that term as a 45-day limit, then even if I were to consistently lose an average of half-a-pound per day without fail, I would still only barely drop below 255 lbs. on the 45th day. That would be an impossible pace to keep even were I not going to Dallas and off my full-fast program for ten days. No, it is better to cut off that list at dropping to my best weight from 2020. If I do achieve my goal of returning from Dallas no heavier than 270 lbs., then I will have to lose an average of 0.4 lbs. per day to achieve that on Day 52. Even that is a stretch, but I am going to do my best to exceed my 270-pound expectation for my return from Dallas. If you recall, I had hoped to gain no more than two pounds on my last trip and ended up returning to Canada five pounds down. If I do that, then I could theoretically achieve my 2020 best weight by Day 45. These are things that I will think about, but I am not going to try to push myself to do more than I can. I think we can all agree that I am doing as much now as is possible… and that not only do I deserve a little respite while I am in Dallas, but my wife also deserves a husband who is not depriving himself in her presence.

    I did place an order for American meal replacements to Leslie’s this weekend. I calculated the price per shake is a lot less expensive than it is where I buy them in Canada (USD$2.35 compared to CDN$5.00), but I am not going to change my mind about sticking to the Canadian program for the time being while I am here. I ordered 42 shakes for the US, even though I am expecting to consume no more than three per day. I can either bring the remaining shakes home, or more likely I will just have them there for my next visit.

    Knowing that I am driving into Toronto tomorrow to pick up another 28-day supply of my Canadian meal replacements, I am taking this opportunity to rethink my plans. Originally, I was thinking that this coming supply would be the last on my full-fast, meal-replacements-only program. With my ten-day break from the program, that would take me to March 31. I am now thinking that I might stick with it at least one month longer. My thinking is not only based on getting to my best weight ever (which I cannot imagine I would not accomplish by then), but also based on reading the experiences from others on my Facebook support groups for people on the same program. When I first went through the program in 2017, I was told that this is the way it has to be… twelve weeks and that’s it. I was led to believe that this was mandated by the manufacturer of the product and was based on health limitations. In 2019 when I first met Dr. Cottam in Hollywood, I realized that the program in the United States was slightly different… and there was no mandated end date. Since then, having found two different Facebook support groups, I have realized that there are so many different ways of doing it, and that the twelve-week limit I was told about in 2017 was actually mandated by the Ontario Bariatric Network in conjunction with OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan, the provincial body that regulates our socialized medicine, which the Democrats will admire on spec, and the Republicans will despise on spec). The medically supervised program in Ontario requires weekly visits with a physician, and that costs OHIP money. All this to say that I can continue on the program on my own and still be healthy… and yes, at a certain point I will wean myself off of it, going from the full-fast program back to a modified program with only healthy eating… four shakes down to three and a meal, then two plus two, then three healthy meals per day. I am not going to speculate on a timeline for this; I cannot imagine still being on the program through the summer, but there are a lot of factors to consider, and I will keep reconsidering them every time I prepare to drive into Toronto to buy more shakes.

    I know it will sound expensive, but the meal replacements cost $560 for a four-week supply, which works out to $5 per meal. That might sound pricey to some people, and in my Canadian support group people complain about the cost on a regular basis; knowing how much I would be spending on food if I were not on the program, and that not only am I sticking to it, but the program is also working for me, I think that CDN$15 is an absolute bargain. I thought that before inflation sent the cost of eggs and vegetables and chicken and most of the food that I would be consuming on a regular basis through the roof, but I think it is more of a bargain now. If it were not, if the cost per meal replacement were double what it is, then it is still a small cost to pay to drop the weight that I have dropped over this past year. Yes, tomorrow there will be a $560 charge on my debit card; that, plus the cost of all of my new clothes, are just a drop in the bucket as compared to what I would have spent on restaurants this past year. To put this in perspective, I downloaded my credit card statement from June 23 – July 22, 2021. When converted into Canadian Dollars, I spent $2,356 in restaurants on that statement. Nearly $1,200 of that was on breakfast. Yes, I will gladly pay the $15/day for my meal replacements on this program.

    It is a beautiful day today, partly cloudy with temperatures hovering around 5°, but with a bit of wind. I am going to kit up and go out for a jog, probably after my second meal replacement of the day. I will remember to bring my gloves and headband for warmth, as I will probably try to do a similar distance today as I was doing last week, but possibly a different route. I was thinking of checking out one of the park trails in the conservation areas, but it turns out they charge $10 to get in, and I do not feel the need to pay to jog. I will pay with the soreness in my muscles later on, believe me!

    My plan for today is, once again, to stay on track with my program. As it has been these last few days, my resolve is bolstered by my weight drop this morning. I know I am 7.4 lbs. lighter today than I was the morning of my last weigh-in at the doctor’s office, which is about 3.3 kg. If I could round that up to 9 lbs. by Wednesday morning, I will be 4 kg lighter than two weeks prior. I would still be 25-30 kg (55-66 lbs.) from what I weighed the last time I remember weighing myself before my conscription date, but Rome was not built in a day… I have been in the obese category for twenty-five years and expecting to drop out of it quickly is simply unrealistic. With that said, I will take it one day at a time, which is why every morning in my journal I write that my plan for the day is to stay on track with my program.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 395

    Holy crap it is cold outside. Knowing that the forecast high is well above the freezing mark, I was not expecting the biting wind and cold of -8°, with the wind chill making it feel ten degrees colder. Princess Sophie, lower to the ground where I suppose the wind is not so harsh, was happy to go for the full turn through the park, which meant that I did get over 2,000 steps in before my coffee, and it also meant I was quietly thanking G-d for the wonderful scarf that Leslie knit for me last year. Even through my leather gloves my fingers were chilled. Nevertheless, I am Canadian born and bred, and I knew to dress properly for this February morning, and aside from my digits, the only discomfort I felt was to the only exposed part of my body… my face.

    I met my goals yesterday. I stayed on track. Save for a single sugar-free lozenge during class, I did not veer from the program. I remember writing yesterday, the words still on the screen if I look at the last paragraph in this immense journal, that I would drop below the 280-pound mark in the next couple of days. I did not have to wait any longer than that; when I stepped off the bathroom scale this morning, I could hardly believe my eyes, but after re-checking it several times, the numbers read 279.8 lbs. As an added bonus (but wait… there’s more!) my body mass index (BMI), that measurement that earlier this week I railed against, dropped below 36. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (www.cdc.gov), I am about 7.5 lbs. away from dropping out of Obese Class II into Obese Class I. That precise milestone happens to coincide with another upcoming milestone, which is my best weight from 2017. I have added that as a note on my comparative chart from 2020, which this morning has me 1.2 lbs. better than I was on the corresponding day from that year (Day 16 of my comparison), although that is not entirely accurate, as I was in Las Vegas at the time, as I would be through Day 19.

    I have written before that setting short-term goals is one of the keys to long-term success because they give you something to reach for that is not years away but can be reached within a reasonable period. If I were only looking eighteen months ahead then in the grand scheme of things, why would it matter if I took one day off? With short-term goals, I know that last weekend’s failure with the nachos and salsa delayed today’s milestone by four or five days. I did not cheat again during the week (although that latté also slowed my progress), and I got here. When I started out, the idea of losing the 115 lbs. that I have so far lost was impossibly distant… so I set goals for 20, 40, 80, 100, 120, 140, and 170 pounds. I also set milestones at every 10 pounds, and several other benchmarks along the way. I have strived to reach those… and I have celebrated both the scale- and non-scale victories. Without setting short-term goals, I do not know if it would be possible for anyone to achieve that long-term success. Hitting milestones feels wonderful, and it is these short-term victories that spur us on to not cheat today.

    At the same exact moment that I was about to step onto the bathroom scale, I noticed a text message on my phone from a woman that I am trying to support through her weight loss journey. Through no fault of her own, she ran into a huge obstacle on her journey, and she was desperate to figure out how to handle it. I called her, and we spoke at length about different ways she could get past it. We also discussed how she should start making small lifestyle changes that will increase her chances for success by limiting her exposure to temptations. I have said since the first time I started this program in 2017 that I was lucky that I lived alone and did not have to be around someone else’s food… let alone have to prepare it for them.

    She has a teenage son for whom she has been cooking every evening, requiring her to be in the kitchen with the food every evening. I am not a gourmet chef by any measure (well, measured against the chefs in the Army I suppose I am) but I can tell you that I cannot imagine preparing food properly without tasting it to make sure I got it right. Her husband spends a lot of time on the road for work, but the son has to eat. I suggested that she come up with several meal ideas for him, then take him shopping… and teach him how to cook for himself. This is not only a good plan for her weight loss but will also greatly benefit him for the rest of his life. Start with a simple dish like spaghetti… here’s how to cook the noodles (and if there is anything easier than this other than toast then I don’t know what it is), and here’s how to empty the sauce into a pot and heat it up. Hamburgers! Here’s the patty, here’s the frying pan. You like onions and tomatoes on your burger? Great! Here’s a knife. Let’s make chicken! Here’s chicken-quarters, here’s a pan, here’s some seasoning. You get the picture. Oh, and by the way, kiddo… everything you use, you have to clean… so here’s how to minimize the mess that you make so as to facilitate the clean-up. Trust me, when you move into a university dorm… or when you are sixteen and your parents go away for the weekend… or when you are fifty-years-old, twice-divorced and living apart from your new wife because of the US Department of State… knowing how to prepare your own healthy meals without relying on ordering in all the time will be a huge lifesaver… not to mention that women find guys who can cook for them hot.

    Okay, we have addressed that problem… but what about the meal replacements that her clinic refuses to sell her until she comes in for an appointment, but they cannot fit her in until the beginning of next month? Okay, here’s a solution to that… and until they ship to you, here’s an interim solution.

    Perfect… I just wish that my friends understood. Guess what, lady? Nobody does. Your husband is wonderful and understanding and supportive and that is amazing. That does not mean that he understands. Your friends, who think that the program you are on is unhealthy because they are all so much smarter than you? Not only are they wrong, but they will never understand. This may sound obnoxious or arrogant (and it would not be the first time this week that I have been called either or both of those), but that’s why you have me. I told her the story about the guy who fell into a hole, which rather that typing out, I will copy and paste from the site http://www.westwingtranscripts.com, as it quotes the great Leo McGarry (played by the incredible John Spencer):

    This guy’s walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep. He can’t get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up “Hey you! Can you help me out?” The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up “Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me, can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here!” and the friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.”

    Like so many others, she is afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is not easy. I asked her what she was afraid of, and she told me that she was afraid that she would disappoint me when she failed. I told her about the nacho and salsa incident last Sunday… how I dealt with it, and how I recovered my footing the next day. I told her about how I did my research and planned out the meal in advance so that I would not fail… and then how I failed… not months ago, mind you; this happened six days ago. I could have told her about myriad other failures along my journey… not to mention the fact that my journey has started three times now, and I have now lost over one hundred pounds three times now… and twice I have regained it all back. I told her that people who do not fail, do not need my support. I told her that if she could do it alone, she would have done it alone. I told her that I would never judge her because I have been her… Hell, I am her. It is far too easy to gain weight and far too hard to lose it. The difference is that there are all sorts of people who will help you to gain it… in fact, it is so easy that you do not usually need their help. While there might be psychological reasons why we gain weight, it is a simple process… make bad choices, eat too much of it, repeat. If she wants my support then she should take advantage of it when she is about to cheat and needs someone to offer her alternatives… or when she has already cheated and needs someone who understands, and who can guide her away from the slippery slope.

    In January 2002 I was on a ski trip to Steamboat Springs, Colorado. I had not been on skis since 1981, and I knew that I would need lessons. After being fitted for my rental equipment, I spent the morning of that first day on the slopes with an excellent instructor who helped me to remember that I was once a skier, and he spent more time showing me the best trails than he did showing me technique. It really was just like riding a bike. I bade him farewell at the end of the morning, and after lunch at the top of the mountain, I headed out on my own.

    I found myself at a divide between two trails, and I decided that the green dot trail would be too easy for me. I opted for the blue square trail, which after remembering that I used to be a skier was more my speed. It was an unfamiliar trail, but I had been down many ‘blue runs’ that morning, and I would be fine. Pretty soon, that trail split into two… a blue run, and a double black diamond run, which would be far too advanced for me. I was about to make the turn to stay safe when something got in my way… I do not remember if it was another skier or a critter. The slight delay in turning forced my hand, and I was on the double-black run. I was feeling exhilarated! I was doing great… until I realized how fast I was going, and I tried to slow down… but the slope had gotten too steep, and nothing that I remembered from my childhood or from my two hours of lessons that morning taught me anything about stopping on a 70° downward slope of pure powder. My legs did everything they could to stay under me, and I made every turn possible to slow my descent, but it was to no avail… pretty soon I was on my ass (wholly predictable), and it took me another 60-100 metres to stop. I collected my skis (which took longer than you might expect, considering all of the factors), and walked down to safer ground. A ski patrol who had seen what had happened came by and clipped my lift ticket. I was done for the day.

    The trauma from that day stuck with me. I spent the next day (a gorgeous sunny ‘champagne powder’ day) sitting at a bar called The Tap House in town. The following day I did something else. My three-day ski trip turned into a one-day ski trip, with two more days of drinking, eating chicken wings, playing trivia at the bar, and sitting in the outdoor hot tub at the Steamboat Grand.

    The following year, I went on a ski trip to Montana, and I stuck to the green slopes. A year or two later, I went to Park City, Utah… once again, skiing the easiest slopes, except for when I was with a guide… who knew that I was not an experienced skier. The guides knew this from what I told them, not from watching me ski. They all tried to encourage me to try again, but I never got past that slippery slope at Steamboat Springs.

    If only I had not excused my instructor that first day. If only I had the courage to say, ‘I still need help!’ If only I had not thought to myself that I could do it myself and did not need anyone’s help. I wonder how much more enjoyment I would have gotten out of those trips had I just admitted that I needed help.

    That slippery slope can kill you and thank G-d you did not go off a cliff.

    Had I asked for help I likely would not have been on the slippery slope… and had I done so, the help would have guided me to safety.

    I did not need any help on the green and blue trails, and had I stuck to those, everything would have been fine. If my friend lived alone, never needing to expose herself to other peoples’ foods, she would be just fine. There is no shame in asking for help… and if the person that you ask knows what you are going through then they will never judge you for what you perceive to be your weaknesses. They will understand.

    People who do not make mistakes, do not slip, do not falter… they do not need support. The rest of us can truly use the support of others, and we are foolish to eschew it and try to go it alone. Weight loss is a very difficult uphill climb, and as with mountain climbing it is so easy to make one misstep… and fall off the cliff. The difference between recovering and failing is the support that we have. Refusing to reach out to them for fear of judgement is no different from making that last mistake that sees you falling to the bottom.

    Whoever you reach out to for support will be thrilled to celebrate your successes and victories with you… but they will also be there when you falter to remind you that you are not alone. They will give you tips and tricks on how to do better… and they will help you to remember that any weight loss journey will be replete with successes and failures, and that you are human and will make mistakes. Can you minimize those mistakes? Sure. Can you avoid them completely? Probably not. Along the road to being slim a few nacho chips with salsa will fall in your path. Get by them and continue on your journey.

    My plan for today is to stay on track. The fact that I achieved a milestone this morning does not mean that I get to rest on my laurels. I am now 19.5 lbs. from reaching my best post-Army weight… I am 4.6 lbs. from going to my tailor’s appointment under 275 lbs., and I am 9.6 lbs. from flying to Dallas under 270 lbs. These are all short-term goals that I have set for myself, and while they are on the far end of realistic, a single misstep would likely put them out of reach. I will not sabotage myself by falling down now. After my second shake of the day, I am going to drive into Hamilton to see Lyle and Dorothy for a couple of hours. I asked Lyle what I could bring, and he reminded me that I have had a bag of Montreal bagels in my freezer for them for the last several months. I will be glad to be rid of them at long last, and they are currently sitting in my travel cooler by the front door. I might stop in at Bulk Barn near them because there is a snack that Leslie asked for that was not available in the Bulk Barn near me. Unlike so many other snacks that I might pick up for her, these are just too decadent to tempt me seriously. Yes, I would love them… but unlike Goldfish crackers or Pop Chips, I cannot look at a chocolate-covered pretzel covered in M&Ms and make any justification that would sound plausible. ‘Hey, Goldfish crackers, eaten in moderation, are a reasonable snack!’ Maybe so… but who am I trying to kid that if I open the bag today that there will be any left by bedtime tomorrow? No, the pretzels for Leslie and her son will be safe… and by going into Bulk Barn on a day when not only did I hit a milestone, but also on a day when I spent so much time supporting (and then writing about supporting) others through missteps will not hold the same temptation as it might if it were just any other day. Stay the course. Stay on track. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I might weigh 280 lbs… or I might weigh 279.2 lbs. If it is the former, it will not be because I cheated today. If it is the latter, it will definitely be because I did not cheat today.

    (Holy crap! I do not know if I have ever written over 3,000 words for a single journal entry. If you read all of it then power to you!)

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 394

    I had a bit of a false alarm this morning that left me a little disappointed, but I also know that the disappointment is silly. For the first time in a couple of weeks I put on a pair of jeans this morning, and they felt a bit loose in the waist. That is a huge victory of course! It led me to think that if the Size-38 jeans are a bit loose, I wonder if… I went down to the locker and with fear and trepidation I pulled out the last bin of clothes that do not fit yet. Peeking inside I saw several pair of Size-36 pants and jeans, many of which still have the tags on them. If they fit, then that was it… I would have no more bins of clothes that do not fit yet. I brought the bin upstairs and pulled out a pair of Levi’s 501 jeans. They do not fit. Nor do the Levi’s 505 jeans which seem to have a slightly bigger waist to them. The disappointment set in… until I remembered that when I bought these on a whim in 2020, I weighed twenty pounds less than I do today… and they did not fit yet. I do not know if I need to lose another twenty-five or thirty pounds before I can be rid of the bins, but I do know that Rome was not built in a day. I did not gain the one hundred and thirty-five pounds from my best-weight-ever to my worst overnight… so why should I expect to lose all of it that quickly? I have lamented many times that gaining weight is much easier and quicker than losing it. Why do I write these things if I am not going to listen to my own advice? If I can stay on track, I will get there… but it will not be quick and it will not be easy.

    As miffed as I was yesterday to see that I had gained weight according to the bathroom scale is nothing to compare to the elation that I felt this morning to see it tell me that I am down 1.6 lbs. this morning, squarely back in best-weight-yet territory… eight pounds from my best weight from 2017, and exactly twenty pounds from my best weight ever from 2020. It is truly exciting!

    I truly had no motivation yesterday; I am embarrassed to say that I accomplished nothing. I did not study, I did not go to the gym. I wrote in my journal, and I spoke with a few friends. I tried to take a nap, but that proved unsuccessful. I did help Eduardo out with his computer; he called me frantically the previous day telling me that his computer had been hacked. I told him I was teaching, but that I would help him over the next day or two. Yesterday evening, following my check-in call with my weight loss buddy, he brought the laptop over, and I cleaned it out. In truth, there was no hack, only one of those annoying screens that makes it look like you have been attacked by ransomware. It took me about three minutes to fix the problem, but it also gave me the opportunity to call the jackass scam call centre moron in India and to tell him to go shove a motherboard up his posterior. I did not say it so nicely, and it made Eduardo laugh.

    Once that was taken care of, I noticed that his computer was missing some major updates, so I set that in motion while Eduardo and I sat outside with a cigar. Now that he knows the inside joke, he told me that it was a wonderful cigar, but that he would not say that it was the best. Oh well, I hope I did not ruin that!

    The most important thing was that I stuck to the program. I did not veer off the full fast program at all, which allowed me to get through the day without a great deal of hunger and went to bed mostly satisfied. Because I was unable to nap during the day, I did fall asleep pretty quickly, and I slept the night. At around 6:15am Her Royal Floofness asked to come up onto the bed. She has been grudgingly sleeping in her bed next to the bedroom door, but a couple of times in the night she got up to walk around – yes, I hear her every time she does that… especially when I do not take her collar off. The final time she came to my side of the bed and put her front paws up, and I knew she wanted Daddy’s love. She has been so good, and I decided to bring her up for my last hour of slumber before I finally got up and hit the morning routine. She did not want to venture out very far this morning because it was cold and slippery, so unless I do go to the gym, today will not be a good steps day.

    I also want to do some studying today, and I should be able to make time for that. I am teaching this evening, but that does not mean that my daytime should be completely unproductive. I am going to hit the books for sure. Whether I will get to the gym or not I do not know, but I do not have to move from where I am sitting now to study. I was asked yesterday to teach two different classes that I am not currently certified to teach, but one of them I am working toward, and the other is the logical follow-up to this certification. Maybe that will give me the incentive to work hard on it today, and all of next week.

    My plan for the day is to stay on track with regard to my meal replacements. This evening I will light the Shabbat candles. While I might venture out to the supermarket to buy coffee beans, I will not be going to Fortino’s, and I will not be tempted to buying challah for the Sabbath. Yesterday I lamented that it took me an extra day (or two) to return to best-weight-yet territory because of a café latté; I am now half-a-pound from registering under the 280 lbs. mark, and I do not want to set myself up for failure on that. I might hit it tomorrow morning, and if I do not then it will be Sunday or Monday… unless I forget myself and stop concentrating. Focus, mindfulness, and discipline are how I will achieve the three goals I set out for myself for the next couple of weeks, and then on to my final push where it is no longer best-weight-yet… but best-weight-ever! Twenty pounds to go… and from there, I will probably have another 50-65 pounds to go.

    I counted my meal replacements this morning. I have enough to last through Tuesday, plus my first two on Wednesday. I am planning a trip into Toronto on Tuesday to do some volunteer work on someone’s network, so I will kill two birds with one stone. The drive into the city is long enough that I do not do it lightly unless I have a really good reason to… especially with the price of gas today. It is certainly much less expensive than it was a year ago, but as it hovers between $1.40 and $1.50 per litre, I do not see the need to waste it. I am always happy to drive to see friends, and I would have been happy to drive into town to help with the network if I had no other obligations… but if I can be more efficient, then why would I waste it? Not to mention that if I were to just drive there, get my shakes, then turn around and drive right back it would be a two hour round trip… assuming the best for traffic. At the same time, I told Leslie last night that I am going to order American meal replacements to her place in anticipation of my upcoming trip. They are a little less expensive, and if I do not have to pack ten days worth into my suitcase then so much the better.

    My diet buddy texted me this morning to tell me that she slipped and fell on the ice… and did not have any trouble getting up. We laughed and exchanged pleasantries, and then I pointed out how funny it might sound to an outside observer to listen to us laughing about us falling on our tuchus. These are the non-scale victories that we strive for… in addition to fitting into smaller clothes and looking better!

    It is a beautiful but cold day outside, and I am going to do some studying. I will stay on track. I will drop under the 280-pound mark in the next couple of days. I will not falter.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 389

    I did not expect that.

    As I was driving home from Toronto yesterday afternoon, I was amazed by how beautiful the weather was, and I decided to try to actually go for a jog. Yes, in the morning I decided on the spur of the moment to jog lightly with my dog… but that was an ad hoc thing. I came home and called my wife, and while I drank my midday meal replacement, I told her of my plans. She told me to make sure I did not hurt myself, which is certainly a possibility when an obese man of my age decides to go for a jog. I dressed warmly in layers, I took a bottle of water, I laced up my shoes, put in my ears, and off I went.

    Because of my fitness walking, I know the approximate distances of the routes I usually take, and I opted for the shorter of them. I was not sure how far I would be able to jog on my first outing, and I decided not to try to push myself. I also decided to not jog through the park; while the sidewalks are dry, there are a lot of icy patches on the paths that I had to be careful on this morning, and I did not want to get hurt – I promised Leslie!

    I am not sure if I am proud that I got as far as I did, or disappointed that I did not go farther. I do know that I jogged for twenty minutes at an average pace of 8m11s/km and came close to 2.5km overall, before stopping the jog (and my counters). I re-started the counters to walk the rest of the way home, which was just over 3.75km (with an average pace of 10m14s/km). I will say that while I was certainly dressed warm enough for the jog, the walk was chilly. I do not know if that was because I was not generating the heat, or because the wind picked up. It could absolutely be one or the other of those. The next time I go out for a jog in similar conditions, I will pack a scarf that I can wrap around my face if necessary.

    After I showered, I had a lovely cigar date with Leslie. We really enjoy spending time together, which I suppose is the whole point of getting married, right? The distance is frustrating, and while we are counting down the months until the State Department approves my visa, we are also counting down the days until my next visit. We now have just under twenty-five days until then, and they will be twenty-five very difficult days of separation. Why does flying have to be so damned expensive?? Why can’t the government just look at us and say ‘Yep, you are married to an American Mr. Garvis… come on in!’?? Such are the things that test a relationship.

    I am happy that I was able to stick to the program again yesterday. A friend wanted me to drive down to Niagara to join him for dinner and drinks. While I usually would, I decided I did not want to sound like I was making excused, and I told him that I was on a strict diet and was neither eating nor drinking but would gladly sit with him while he did. He told me that he would rather put off getting together until I was able to indulge. Frankly, I am glad that he said that. I did not want to drive to Niagara, but I really did not want to be tempted to break my program. A lot of people might say that ‘hey, after two jogs and a walk today, you deserve it!’ I say that I would rather see the benefits of the exercise on my weight loss, either this morning or tomorrow, and not eat to counterbalance my activity.

    I was feeling light-headed by mid-evening, but I am not sure if that is because of the low-calorie program, or because I woke up so early. I do know that it is the second or third evening this past week that I have felt that. Fortunately, last night I did not have to teach. I was feeling fine on the balcony until it was too cold to enjoy it, and it was only a little while after I came into the apartment (around 7:45pm) that I started to feel weak and light-headed. I am going to have to find a way to get more sleep. For the next two weeks I do not have the same crazy schedule as I did, so I will be able to take a nap during the day. After that, I have another week of 12-hour days. Hopefully by then I will either be more used to the program again, or at least I will be sleeping better.

    I will be breaking the program today for one meal. My son the younger wants to go to Lone Star Grill for lunch, and I took a few minutes to look at menu online. The Grilled Chicken Fajita Bowl is 810 calories with 35g of carbs, and I can eat half of it and then pretend to forget my doggie bag to take home. Of course, I will tell them to withhold the cheese because of my religious dietary preferences, and probably the rice as well… but even if I ate it all, half of that would be 405 calories, and that is not the worst thing in the world. If that is the only cheat meal I eat between now and my trip (okay, there might be two of these) then I’ll be okay.

    I cannot help but think that yesterday’s jogging contributed directly to the tremendous numbers on the scale this morning. In the previous eight days (Friday to Saturday) I had lost 1.4 lbs. This morning’s day-over-day loss was 1.8 lbs. I was so excited to see that extreme drop that I nearly whooped out loud! I know it is unlikely that I will see consistent drops like that, but when I do it feels good. I am a lot more confident this morning that I will reach my first goal (under 280 lbs. before my appointment with the haberdasher on March 2) than I was just a couple of days ago. Of course, if I can do that, then I must also be more confident that I can achieve that second goal of getting to Dallas on March 9 under 275 lbs.

    If you were to scour through the 350,000 words of this journal you would not find the name of the weight management meal replacement program that I have been following (often more loosely than I currently am). I said at the outset that I did not want to discuss that program by name because one day it would be replaced by something else, and I did not want this journal to be seen as obsolete as irrelevant when that happened. Well, it happened… at least in some places. I received a message from a member of one of the Facebook support groups for the program that claimed that the clinic in Hamilton where I first went on the program has officially changed to another product. She says that the product is similar to the old one, but I am not able to find any information about it yet. I have asked her to share details when she can. Whatever it is, I feel more justified now in my original plan to withhold the name of the product. What works for you should work for you, and nobody should tell you otherwise unless there is confirmation that one program or another has severe negative health consequences.

    It is a beautiful day out, and while it was cold this morning (it is still below zero), the forecast high is 6°, and by Wednesday that will be 15°… after which it drops down to zero by Friday and will once again start rising over the next few days. As I have said so often, if you are unhappy with the weather in Canada… wait a few minutes. I do not think I will be going for another jog this afternoon, but you never know. It is Super Bowl Sunday, and I have been invited to several friends’ houses to watch the game. I have politely declined each invitation, knowing that the food temptations will be too great. That is one of the topics of discussion in the Facebook support groups. My plan is to avoid the temptations completely by not subjecting myself to them. Other feel they have more willpower… or possibly they might be able to get away with just a little bit of cheating. Whatever it is, I am going to be home alone, probably on a video date with Leslie. As I have said so many times before… Lead me not to temptation! I know exactly where to find it.

    My diet buddy is coming over this morning for a cup of coffee. It will be great to touch base with her, knowing that there are so many temptations out there on this the most commercial sports day of the year. She and I started on a similar journey, but I was worried that we would lose that commonality after she had her surgery. I am glad that did not happen, and that we can both continue to support each other. We joked last week that when we are both slim, we should go to a bar together dressed to the nines and see which women check us out… yes, she would be trying to attract women as well. Both of us are married so it would just be an exercise in vanity, but it is still amusing to think about it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 382

    It is because of my lovely wife Leslie that I did not add a grocery shopping trip to my plans for today. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I was hungry for most of the afternoon and evening, despite faithfully following the program. We were chatting last night, and I told her that the keto anger is real, and that my body is fighting back against my returning to the full fast program with no real food. I told her that I have to teach tomorrow (and all week) from 9:30am to 10:00pm, and that I did not know if I would be able to get through it without breaking the full-fast, meal replacements only diet. Maybe if I added just one smaller meal back into my routine then I would be able to get through without falling. Leslie reminded me how strong I have been, and how much I have relished in my success. She reminded me that I am not weak! She did not tell me that I was strong, which some people might have thought the right positive word to use; whether it was conscious or not, reminding me of what I do not want to be gave me something to think about… and another reason to stay strong – because I do not want to be weak! It worked… I am not going shopping today. I am sticking to the program. I am strong!

    This morning I approached the bathroom scale with the words ‘Please do not be higher than yesterday!’ on my breath. I was not only thinking it, I said it out loud. After five days of weight drops, I did not want to see the trend reverse. It did not… but it was not lower either. My weight this morning is exactly what it was yesterday morning. I know that is to be expected, but as I stepped off the bathroom scale I started thinking, ‘Okay, I did not lose any weight… and that is probably because I was not able to have a bowel movement for the second morning in a row.’ Of course, that is to be expected as I am not eating solid foods… the frequency of proper bowel movements can drop to 2-3 times per week. What can you do? In the meantime, I did not lose weight this morning… but I will tomorrow morning… and if I don’t, then there is always Tuesday!

    I made a minor change when I came back to Canada the other day. I do not know how long it will last, and I do not know how much of a difference it is likely to make. I have not been adding sugar to my coffee. I definitely prefer the taste with a little sweetness, but I promised myself that when I could completely cut sugar out, I would try. I was only drinking one cup of coffee per day in Dallas (albeit a huge one) and was putting a smaller amount of sugar into it than usual. I have been missing the sweetness, but I think I can make do… as long as I continue to drink premium coffee. If I find myself at Starbucks or Tim Hortons, I suspect I’ll be back on the sweet.

    Princess Sophie impressed her vet as always. She has gained a bit of weight, and the doctor said she does not have to lose any… but also should not gain anymore. She said that as she filled her with treats to cooperate. I should mention that she has gained three pounds in the nearly four years since I rescued her, and she is a very happy little girl. I will continue to feed her the same amount of food but might cut back on the treats a little.

    I planned to take a nice nap yesterday afternoon and be refreshed to face the evening. About seven minutes after I fell asleep my phone rang, so that idea went down the drain. I had not heard from this friend in a couple of months, and it was good to catch up… even at the expense of my rest. I spent a lazy afternoon at home though… I had nothing to do, and I know what a bear this coming week is going to be, so I decided I deserve it. I am pretty sure that (after my study group) my diet buddy will come over for a cup of coffee today. After that, either Eduardo will come here for a cigar, or he and I will go to hang out with another friend. We’ll see. Originally the forecast was for 6°, but that has been revised slightly downward… and it will be windy, so I am not so excited about sitting outside. I will see what the day holds. In the meantime, the Princess and I went for a walk this morning, and it was nowhere near as uncomfortably cold as it was yesterday.

    After my aborted nap yesterday, I was hungry. I am not sure if I was really hungry, or if I was bored. I do know that I wanted to eat, and even after my evening shake, I was still hungry. I decided that it was not a good idea to go through to bedtime that hungry. I took a very small portion of pumpkin seeds that I keep to put on salads… and then I took some sugar free mints that I have. I did not devour the package, but they did help me get through the evening. I suppose with the seeds and the Ice Breakers I did technically cheat, but not terribly. I know I would rather have a small, controlled cheat than fall off the program… and I know what I have in my freezer (not to mention the pantry), so that would have been a real possibility.

    It has been weeks since I dropped below the 300-pound mark, and yet every time I think about my weight, I am thinking it will be above that. When I prepared to step onto the scale this morning, I was not looking for a drop below 285 lbs… I was looking for a drop below 315 lbs. I have mentioned so many times over the course of my journey that the psychology of weight loss can be as difficult and sometimes more so than the physical losing of the weight. It was only ten days ago when Leslie took my picture and I posted the side-by-side comparison to the first day of my program, and the difference is so obvious as to be laughable. When I am not looking at the pictures, it is still easy to think of myself as that over-350 lbs. morbidly obese man whose clothes do not fit. I write that as I sit here comfortably wearing a casual button-down shirt from Polo that has not fit in so long… and with a t-shirt underneath it to boot. The proofs are in my face, and they are obvious, but that does not always mean that my psyche has caught up. I suppose that is one of the myriad reasons that when my therapist asked last session if I really need her, I did not hesitate for a moment to reply that I did… and I do… and I will. I told her that I have lived with ADHD for my entire life, and I have only been on the medications to rein the symptoms in for six weeks. I do not yet know how to deal with not having those symptoms constantly affecting me. Likewise, I have been obese my entire post-Army life, and I do not yet know how to not be so… I know that I stopped seeing her sometime around the time I moved from Burlington to Ottawa in 2017, and it was about that time when my weight loss abated, and I started on that slippery slope to gaining weight back. There were, of course, many factors involved with that… but I cannot help but wonder if I had stayed in Burlington and in therapy, would I have regained all of the weight? Until someone invents a time machine we will never know. I am here… and I am staying in therapy because I need it. Many years ago, my uncle moved to California. Shortly thereafter he told me that he had learned there are two types of people in the world: those who need therapy, and those who do not yet know that they need therapy. I do not know if that is true, but I do know that right now I fall squarely into that first group.

    Okay, I have things to do. My study partner is running late so I can either procrastinate and write more, or I can accomplish a few more things before my delayed group starts.

    Have a great day folks!