Losing a part of me

Category: Travel

  • Day 218

    Welcome to Dallas! I arrived at Pearson International Airport yesterday four hours in advance of my flight, expecting there to be a ridiculous line followed by a lengthy interview at U.S. Customs. There was absolutely no line (as in, I walked up to the queue and was directed immediately to an unoccupied agent). He asked me maybe five or six questions, and wished me a pleasant journey. It was the first time I ever had more time to kill at the airport than the actual duration of my flight.

    I did not bring meal replacements with me, which was a mistake for two reasons. The first is that there are few (if any) really healthy options in the airport, and the second is that everything at the airport is priced ridiculously. Of the available options, I opted for a pad thai salad with tofu. I later cheated with a small can of Pringles and a small bag of almonds. On the airplane, I had the biscuits and pretzels offered, with a Coke Zero and a cup of coffee.

    Leslie and I had discussed what to do for dinner once I arrived. After debating Mexican, steak, and a few other options, I suggested she eat before coming to pick me up, and that I would have a protein shake (or bar). She brought a bar (and a bottle of water) for me to the airport, which I ate on the ride home. I do not know if it quite makes up for the cheats, but I know it was the right thing to do. When you falter – and you will falter – the best thing to do is to recover and continue on your path.

    I slept well last night, after the happy discovery of another unmentioned benefit of weight loss. It was good to sleep next to my wife again. It has been too long!

    This morning I made a mistake with my meal replacement shake. Forgetting that the American formula is different from the Canadian one I put too much water into the mix, and ended up with a diluted shake. I will learn from that, and for my next shake will measure out the necessary ingredients. Once I have done so once, I will be able to do it by sight again… but the watery shake left me unsated, leading to my taking a couple small handfuls of peanuts mid-morning, along with a slice of dried mango. Leslie reminded me that she should not have to police my food intake, and she is right. I know what I did wrong, and I will adjust for it so that this afternoon and the rest of my visit will be better.

    I was going to make dinner tonight, but Leslie is going to her office in the afternoon, which means she will be near the really good Shawarma restaurant. I will order well, and will only have meal replacements aside from that. I am really looking forward to that meal!

    In the evening, I suspect she and I will either go sit by the pool for a cigar, or we might go to my cigar lounge to say hi, and to enjoy a stick there. I don’t know, but I do know that I am happy that we have a date together, and that there are no phones involved!

    The reading on the bathroom scale was down this morning, despite the cheating yesterday. I am not quite back to my previous milestone, but I am getting there. I know that I beat myself up over what really are minor cheats, but that is the only way that I know to not have them escalate into larger cheats over time. I have done that before, and I will not do it again.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 217

    As I approached the bathroom scale this morning, I was scared of what I would see. Just four days ago, I achieved the milestones of 320-pounds, and then all of a sudden, I gained nearly four pounds. All of my plans to fly to Dallas near 315-pounds vanished; my only hope was that I might get back near the 320-pound mark… which should have been a lock, and now was another goal.

    While the number on the scale was down significantly from yesterday (nearly 2.5 lbs), I was still above 320. Okay, that’s life. The more important number today is actually what I see on the doctor’s scale in an hour. I am hoping to have lost a full six kilos (A little over thirteen pounds), but anything over 5 kg will be considered a win. Of course, the next metric milestone that I have not confirmed on the metric scale is absolutely shattered – I will be well under 150kg this morning, and likely closer to 145kg.

    My suitcase is packed, and I am ready to go, but I still have to get through the morning. In a few minutes I will leave to go to the doctor’s office. I just finished writing instructions for the next 90 minutes to my TA, so I can go and not be on my phone trying to multi-task. That’s a relief.

    I just got off the phone with Leslie, who just dropped her son off at school. I really wish I could see him on this trip, but that is not in the cards. I’ll see him in September though, when I will be at least 25 lbs lighter than when he last saw me! It is weird that I use that as such an important measuring stick. ‘Yeah, he met me twenty-five pounds ago… it feels like longer.’ When so much of my focus is on weight loss, I suppose that is not quite so strange.

    —

    While I did not lose six kilos as I was hoping for, I said that anything over 5kg would be a victory, so 5.1kg is just that. I am relieved that it was not worse, and that I did not have to get weighed yesterday. I would not have met that threshold yesterday morning.

    As expected, my doctor was quite happy with my progress, and we had a good discussion, mostly about staying on course and being on the right track. He did check a couple of other issues that I was concerned about, even though I strongly suspected that they were in my head (which he confirmed). He is absolutely thrilled with my heartrate and blood pressure, which are both lower than I ever remember them being.

    I just brought Princess Sophie to the neighbour, who will take care of her for the next week. Leaving her behind is the only sad part of my going away, knowing that I will be with my wife for the next week. I thought about bringing her, but that will wait for a future trip. I suspect that the next time I take her to Dallas will be the only time I do, as it will be a one-way flight.

    Have a great day folks, and I will see you all in Dallas!

  • Day 216

    I confess, it is much easier to state your resolve to stick to the plan than it is to actually stick to the plan. That is how I ended up here, a day before my trip to Dallas (as well as my weigh-in with the doctor’s office) about 3.5-pounds heavier than my lowest weight from just a few days ago. I am glad that after cheating yet again yesterday, I did not gain any weight… although I did not lose any either. Days like yesterday need to be avoided… or at least minimized as much as possible.

    Yes, I finished the rotisserie chicken for dinner (in addition to having my regular chicken meal at lunch). I also had a cookie. No, I did not exercise. Yes, I know this all amounts to not losing weight this morning. I have to stick to the mantra that today I will do better.

    My plans for today are actually quite conducive to doing better. I have a dentist appointment to repair a cracked filling at lunchtime, so I will not be eating as usual. My class starts doing their end-of-class assessment at 3:30, at which point I will prepare my regular meal. I plan to go to Taekwondo in the evening. When I get back from Taekwondo, I will take a shower, and then have my evening meal replacement shake. If all goes well, I will only have two shakes and one meal, plus two consecutive Taekwondo classes, which should bode well for a decent weigh-in result tomorrow morning. Here’s hoping!

    Last night I collected my clothes from the tailor, and before bed I tried all of them on (under the admiring supervisory eye of my gorgeous wife). I was very worried that they would not come out well, but they did. I will easily get another three months out of them… not that I will have a lot of need for them. They are now all packed in my suitcase’s garment bag ready to go to Dallas, where they will stay for a bit. I am only there for a week, but I will be back there three weeks later, in time for the Jewish holidays. I will spend Rosh Hashana in Dallas (and hope I can find a local synagogue to attend), and Yom Kippur in Westlake Village (with my California congregation). In the three weeks that I will be back in Canada, I cannot foresee any even for which I would need to dress fancy.

    Today is the last day of my class, although there are a few more days of answering questions for the students. It will be a more relaxed few days… more so that I will be in Dallas with my wife! It has truly been too long. As I told her the other night, I am sick of rectangles, and need to hold her in the RFZ again.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 190

    While my weight was down this morning, it was only a slight drop, and nothing to counteract the huge jump from yesterday. Nonetheless, I am going to keep on track. I still weighed in above 330-pounds, which is a huge psychological bump for me. I hope that by the weekend I have gotten back below that milestone, which I had thought was behind me.

    When I finished my class last night, I realized I was exhausted. I love teaching, but it does take a lot out of me… especially when I have not been sleeping well, as has been the case. Nonetheless, and despite predictions of rain, I embarked upon a fitness walk. Because I selected footwear that would have been appropriate for the rain, I was not going to be setting any records. The fact that I got out there at all was a victory. That I walked 8km was really huge. Yes, that distance has become my base distance, and I am going to try to do that every day; that does not change the fact that three minutes before I went out, I was trying to decide between walking and going to sleep.

    In the end, it did not rain… although when I took Princess Sophie for her walk this morning it started to rain, and from what I see out the window the rain has not stopped. The forecast predicts rain all day, although that prediction is then clarified as a 20% chance of rain most of the day. Sometimes I think that meteorologists were put on this planet to make psychics look credible.

    • Distance: 8.05 km (10 km)
    • Duration: 1:27:37 (1:41:26 minutes)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:49 (10:08)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 10m35s
    • Steps: 10.3k (12.4k)
    • Calories burned: 466 (582)
    • Elevation gain: 36m (39.6m)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 118 (122)

    I had a great talk with Leslie last night. I really miss her, and know that when I am with her, I am not only happier, I sleep better. We discussed my fitness walking and weight management program. I told her that while she is not the only reason I am losing weight and getting into shape, she is certainly one of them. Among the other reasons are that I would like to look good, and that when I weigh less and am in better shape, I feel better. She reminded me that she loves me for me, and has been attracted to me all along… but she appreciates that I am dedicated to losing weight for myself and for us.

    After a great deal of frustration and aggravation, I was able to book my next trip to see her. The American Airlines website does not seem to like the fact that my credit card is American, even though I am Canadian. There is an option to change countries for the credit card, and when you select it, you are kicked back to the main menu. When you call, they offer to call you back… sometime between two and six hours from now, which when it is already 10pm does not bode well. Leslie was able to log on and do it from her end, and so the day after my classes are done, I am flying off to see her. Yay!

    Today is another fish day. The last ten days I have been buying fresh chicken and fish from the supermarket, forgetting that I had a large bag of Norwegian salmon from Costco. I enjoyed it yesterday, and will do the same for today. Yesterday I had to make myself a second salad with lunch, possibly because the salmon is fewer calories than the chicken. I’m not sure, but I think it was better to have more salad than a cookie.

    I start teaching in fifteen minutes, and I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. Yes, I am that tired. I have not been sleeping well, but I still feel better working and exercising than I would sitting around lazily. I will go through my pot of coffee this morning, and I will make it through the day. I will go for a fitness walk this evening, even if it is raining. On that note, I found a great use for a hat that was gifted to me a couple of weeks ago! Leslie and I (as well as a number of other people I asked) are on the fence about the fashion of the hat… but it will certainly keep my head dry in the rain, and it folds into my walking satchel quite nicely!

    My trip to Dallas is booked for August 24. My goal is to lose at least fifteen pounds by then. That will require a strict regimen of no cheating on the diet, and sticking to my exercise plan. If I do that, then I should be able to get there… let’s see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 181

    I mentioned yesterday that I love it when the numbers on the bathroom scale are kind to me. This morning’s drop of 2.2 lbs is a result of several things that I did yesterday, including mostly good eating, a really strong walk, and drinking a lot of water. It might also be partially a correction for whatever seems to happen to my weight when I travel, whether by plane or by automobile. Either way, it was a good step in the right direction!

    It was brought to my attention recently that, with regard to my weight management program, I tend to be hard on myself… I accentuate the bad while minimizing the good. As I am currently on a journey of self-improvement, I am going to try to end that.

    I had two huge non-scale victories over the last few days, and I am quite thrilled with them. The first:

    I am a Microsoft Certified Trainer, and have been for sixteen years. After ten years, the program sends you a polo shirt every year… or at least, they did when I asked for them. After fifteen years, they send you a jacket. I know there are 20- and 25-year gifts as well, but I do not know what they are. While the polo shirts always fit well (and over the years I had XL through XXXL), the jacket (I have two) sizes are ridiculous… way too small, and for the past two years I have not been able to wear either of them.

    I was cleaning out my car this afternoon after my week-long travel debacle and I found it in the trunk. I had brought it to Leslie to wear in case she was cold at one point, and I forgot to take it out of the car. It made its way into my trunk, and has probably been there for five months. I tried it on… it is tight, but it fits, and I can zip it closed! Don’t get me wrong, it is far too warm this month to wear it… but come autumn, I will be happy to wear it… especially as I continue to lose weight so it will fit even better!

    The second non-scale victory: Yesterday I drove from Long Island, New York to Burlington, Ontario – a nine-hour drive, if you count the border and the stop for petrol – with three dozen Montreal bagel in the car. I knew they were there, and I did not eat even a bite of one! For those of you who have never eaten a Montreal bagel let me tell you… this is a huge accomplishment, and one that I did not expect to do. I knew they were there; they were in easy reach from the driver’s seat, and I did not touch them. I wanted to… but I did not.

    I should mention that I started my nine-hour journey without a cigar in the cabin, so when it was safe (Madison Avenue near 72nd Street in Manhattan) I pulled over in a bus-lane (try finding parking in Manhattan… I dare you), put my blinkers on, and ran to my trunk to grab a couple of cigars. Yes folks, rather than eating my feelings and anxiety, I smoked them away.

    (Spoiler alert: my feelings and anxiety are still with me… but I did not go off my weight management program in a big way because of them these last few days)

    As I wrote yesterday afternoon, I went for an epic walk. I also spent a lot of time thinking about things I need to do to be a better person and a better husband. Some of those things are obvious, some of them are harder for me to comprehend. That does not mean that I do not accept them, just that I have a lot of work ahead of me. I truly hope I am up to the task.

    Let’s cover what I ate… Around 9am I had a meal replacement shake, and another one after my walk (and after I wrote my article, so that puts it around 3:30pm). I had two pieces of chicken and a garden salad for dinner, followed by one Japanese biscuit and a very small amount of Smartfood White Cheddar popcorn. Yes, it was left over from the trip; I ate some on my way to Long Island from Montreal, and we all ate some in the hotel. After eating a bit of it (and truly I did not overindulge) I decided that as good as it is, it is not smart for me to have it in the house. I took it to the garbage room and poured it all out into the bin. Lead me not to temptation… I know exactly where to find it!

    While cleaning out the car, I brought the rest of the bagels upstairs, and I put them all into the fridge. I had given my neighbour Sue about a dozen and a half of them… she took care of Princess Sophie, and asked for nothing. I was happy to share! The rest went into my freezer, and I told my son that I have Montreal bagels waiting for him. When he comes to get them, they will be gone. In the event that he does not take all of them, I will bring what’s left to Lyle and Dorothy because I know they appreciate them too.

    Aside from that, I do not much feel like socializing. I am in a pretty bad way, so I might just drop the bagels off at my son’s and at Lyle’s when nobody is home so that I do not have to socialize. I really am not in the mood. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 180

    For the second time since starting my weight loss journey, I was away for nearly a week, which means that I did not weigh myself during that time. I find that my daily weigh-ins are one of the best tools I have for keeping myself (mostly) on track. Because of that, I am always worried that I am going to come back from vacation and be disappointed by the numbers on the scale.

    For the second time since starting my weight loss journey, I came back from my trip and was happy with the numbers on the scale. Despite this ranking among the worst trips of my life, I have actually lost four pounds since leaving home. This, despite the stress and anxiety of my passport debacle; despite the absolute and complete mess that I have made of my life, completely of my own doing. Despite shawarma plates and pistachio ice cream, fast food hamburger and fried chicken and eating on the road and everything else, I have lost four pounds in the last six days.

    Yesterday I wrote that my life was falling apart. I have nobody to blame but myself. I will not go into any details, but I cannot remember ever feeling so low.

    I dropped Leslie and her son off at the airport in Long Island yesterday afternoon as planned. Originally, the plan was for me to stay one more night in Long Island, but I had no interest in doing that. As I sat in the Departures Lane of the airport in Islip, I tried to tell my GPS to plot a route for Home. As if my smart phone understood my existential trauma, it was reflected in the response ‘Error: Unable to find a route.’ I tried several times, but it was not having it. It was as if even my phone did not know where home was. In the end, I just plotted a course for Niagara Falls, New York. Somewhere along the way I would try again and get a more accurate reading. Anyways, I was only planning to get past Manhattan, and would stop for a few hours when I was tired – either in the Catskills or beyond. I am past the age where I will drive all night fighting fatigue and freebasing coffee to get to my destination in better time.

    Driving from Long Island to Ontario requires you to drive through Manhattan. This is never fun, but it is probably better on a Sunday afternoon than a weekday. It took nearly two hours to get over the George Washington Bridge, and I drove another hour until I stopped for gas in a little community in the Catskills. I do not know where I was, but there were several Hassidim there, both at the gas station and walking on the street. I filled my tank, I used the washroom, and I got the leftover chicken strips from lunch that were in the back seat. I hit the road, and only after I was on the highway, I realized that I had not bought a cup of coffee. Okay, I would either make another coffee stop, or I would just stop and sleep for a few hours.

    I do not know how I made it from there to the Peace Bridge without coffee and without stopping. As I waited in line, I filled out my ArriveCan form on my phone, and was through the border in about 20 minutes or so. I pulled into my parking lot at 2:00am.

    I do not know how I managed to get any sleep, but I did. Not only that, I do not remember waking up in the middle of the night to pee… which meant that when I did finally get up to do so, I was unable to get back to sleep. Too much going on in my mind. If I am so much lighter, how come my head and heart feel so heavy?

    Anyhow, I am back on track today… I had a meal replacement shake for breakfast, and sometime in the next few hours I will go to my neighbour’s to pick up Her Royal Floofness.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 178

    My passport finally arrived at 1:10pm yesterday, and after stopping for gas I was on the road by 1:18pm. As expected, I had problems at the border, but they did let me in. Yay.

    I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, then a bagel while sitting and waiting with Stephane. I did buy some peanuts (less than a dollar’s worth). I honestly do not remember eating lunch!

    Shortly after six p.m. I stopped along the road to get a sandwich from Subway. I would usually have made a different choice, but Leslie told me that is what she and her son were eating, and I wanted to eat with them. I had a chicken sandwich with onion teriyaki sauce. If I was not trying to keep moving, I would have ordered a salad… but I needed to move! As it is, I only pulled into the hotel at 10:30pm.

    Yes, I did buy a bag of Smartfoods white cheddar popcorn, but I only ate a little bit, then left the rest for Leslie and her so .

    Yes, I cheated yesterday… but not badly at all!

    This morning I had a bagel with peanut butter which was delicious! We went to a movie, and I did buy popcorn… but without butter. For lunch, we went to Wendy’s. I had a spicy classic chicken sandwich and a bowl of chili. While I could have done better, I could have done much worse too!

    We spent over an hour in the swimming pool, and that was a lot of fun. This evening we are going to the wedding, and I will just be conscious of what I eat so as to not do badly.

    Have a great evening folks!

  • Day 176

    Yesterday I ate relatively normal… but yes, I ate shawarma for lunch and rotisserie chicken for dinner. I avoided temptation several times, including when my friend asked me to get her a Boston Maple Cream doughnut at Tim Hortons.

    This morning I met Esti for brunch and I was mostly good… a bagel with lox and cream cheese with a couple of poached eggs. From there we went to a funeral, and after that is where I went wrong. I picked up 4.5 dozen Montreal bagels to take to various people… two of which I ate with a couple of slices of cheese. Bad Mitch!

    I have now reorganized my trunk three times this trip. I truly regret not leaving my golf clubs at home… and maybe a few other things! I think I am finally mostly satisfied with it, and as long as I can drop my suitcase off at the hotel before collecting Leslie and her son from the airport tomorrow I should be fine.

    I had to make a very difficult decision last night. I have cut two friends out of my life, which is always very difficult for me. However there are things that I can live with, and there are things I just cannot accept. One of the friends I told, but the other I am just going to fade away. It is sad, but it was necessary… for two very different reasons.

    It is 3:15pm and I am still waiting for my passport to arrive so I can head down to New York. I am really stressed, because if it does not arrive today my entire weekend will be ruined. I really need to leave tonight, and if not everything goes to crap. I am sitting, outwardly calm, smoking a cigar. Inside, I am going nuts.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 175

    I was mostly good yesterday, despite extreme anxiety in the morning. Coffee with a friend and then music and cigars on the open road are a good prescription for what was ailing me.

    Unfortunately I was most of the way to Montreal when I realized I forgot my passport at home. I asked my son the elder to ship it overnight, and it should arrive tomorrow. Phew!

    I will not be weighing myself until I am back from New York which means I have to remember to be good at every turn.

    I brought shakes with me just in case… and have had a couple so far. Staying on track on the road will not be easy, and while Leslie will be with me for a couple of days, it is not her job to police me. I do appreciate her help and encouragement, but at the end of the day the man in the mirror has to stay on track.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 173

    I am not surprised that I gained four pounds over the weekend, and nearly six pounds since the day of my birthday. It could have been worse. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that in my sadness yesterday evening I had two large bowls of cereal right before bed. Yes, I had a great time at the concert with Lyle and Dorothy and Tamara, but I miss Leslie when she is not there, and so rather than having something reasonable to quench my hunger, I sat down at the table at midnight and chowed down. Today will be better, and tomorrow’s numbers on the scale will be as well.

    Of course, tomorrow morning I am driving to Montreal, which means I will have to be extra vigilant with sticking to my diet, or at least to eating reasonably healthy. At Leslie’s I was able to control what I ate because Leslie and I did the shopping, and she does a good job of helping me to stay honest and on track. While we are meeting up Friday in Long Island, I will be on my own at my friends’ house tomorrow through Friday, and there will be a lot of long-distance driving to boot. There is only one person who can keep me on track, and I shave his face in the mirror every morning.

    I have a neighbour who will be looking after Princess Sophie for the week. She is so wonderful, and I will miss her. Leslie told me that her son really wants to meet her, but first things first. He will meet me on Friday, and next month he will meet Her Royal Floofness.

    I have had a headache for the past hour, so I am going to finish up a couple of things and then try to relax with a cigar, and hopefully talk with my wife.

    Have a great day!