Category: Despair
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Day 1221
As do many adults, I enjoy a drink from time to time. I have for years followed the guidance that when I feel I need a drink then I do not drink. I have never wanted alcohol to be a crutch. That seems to have gone by the wayside these last few weeks (and especially…
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Day 1219
Yesterday was worse that most of my recent crappy days. I will not go into detail. No, there is no hope… but I still do not feel ready to share my story. For those of you waiting with bated breath for me to badmouth anyone or air my dirty laundry in these posts then you…
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Day 1217
Life is no better, but I have some studying to do today and tomorrow so that hopefully I can pass an exam on Friday. We’ll see. Last night was possibly the first decent night sleep I got in… well, since I don’t know when. My sleep score (according to my fitness watch) was 77 –…
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Day 1212
A Lodge brother who moved away was in town this week and he came over for drinks and cigars last night. He was the first person that I spoke to about what is going on. It is hard. I am in so much emotional pain that I cannot imagine getting through it. I am trying.…
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Day 1209
I slept last night. In fact, I looked at my fitness watch which reported a sleep score of 80 (although still not long enough). That’s great… except that this was because I slept right through my alarm, and I woke up 17 minutes before I was supposed to be online to prepare for my class…
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Day 1208
I just do not want to be here. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself, but I am just so completely lost that I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. It is not about my weight, but trying to keep my weight in check during this emotional crisis…
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Day 1207
This morning for the first time I began to tell a friend the depths and extent of my despair. He is worried about me; so am I. I thank G-d that I have friends I can turn to because without them I would be all alone and I honestly do not know what I might…
Losing a part of me 