Losing a part of me

Category: Wife

  • Day 207

    I did not walk yesterday. I went to Lyle’s in the afternoon (after taking some clothes to a tailor to be altered), stopping at Bulk Barn for a handful of peanuts. To offset those, I did not have my final meal replacement shake in the evening, so the calories will more or less balance properly. It is not a habit I will be falling back into, but an occasional necessity when the timing of my day works badly. Normally I would be eating my meal around 12:30pm, so when I am out until 3:00pm (and need another half hour to cook) I need something to tide myself over, lest my hunger grow too great and tempt me to cheat worse.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale were once again good ones this morning, down nearly half a pound. I am almost back to hoping that I might way as little as 315lbs when I fly to Dallas in ten days. Something else that happens on that day is my weigh-in at the doctor’s office, and I am excited for that too. As of this morning, I am 5.5kg down from my last weigh-in, which will be my best showing between appointments… even averaged out (knowing there will have been five weeks between weigh-ins) I will be happy with that drop… and that is not accounting for the fact that I still have ten more days to try to drop even more weight.

    I am not going to lie… it feels good when the nurse looks at me in awe of my success, but it feels even better when the doctor (who I have known more than fifteen years) looks at my chart and says ‘Is this right? According to the nurse, you lost this much weight since your last visit.’ After my wife, it is their response that I am always eager for. Yes, I should not be looking for external validation. According to psychologists you need to be happy with yourself, and you should not be trying to impress anyone but you. Thanks Doctor Whoever, the reality is that external validation is important for all of us, but maybe that much more so for those of us who had parents who never gave it to them. Good enough was never good enough, it was only perfect that was rewarded. While it did not happen often, if I would bring home an exam with a 95% grade, I would be asked ‘what happened to the other 5%?’ Thanks Mother… and frankly, thanks Dad too. Forty years later I am looking for validation from my family physician.

    These epiphanies are among the reasons I write this journal. I likely would never have put into words – if I even thought about it at all – why I get so much satisfaction from my doctor’s feedback if I was not writing. I do not know how many people read everything that I write (I know of only one person who does, even though the stats on my blog tell me there are more), but these insights are not only for you, they are for me. Being able to understand the root cause of an issue is a very good way to start learning to deal with that issue.

    Let’s be honest… we all seek external validation for something. ‘Do I look fat in this dress’ is never asking for negativity, rather the asker is seeking a compliment, knowing the response better be positive. As a teacher, I love giving my students validation… and plenty of opportunity to get it. I ask review questions about what we are learning to make sure the students understand what I just taught, but it also gives them an opportunity for me to give them positive reinforcement. Things that I never got as a child. When I would do something right, more often than not the feedback would be akin to, ‘Why can’t you do it like that every time?’ Thanks Mother… and again, thanks Dad.

    I am not losing weight for anyone but myself. There are simply no benefits to being morbidly obese that I am aware of, and myriad benefits to being slim and in shape. Yes, I want to lose weight for my wife, not only for our longevity and so that I do not fall ill with any of countless obesity-related illnesses that would require her to care for me (which she would do I know, but I would rather not have to burden her thusly), but also for our immediate happiness, including our intimate life (which improves with every pound I lose). If Leslie and I were not together, would I still be on this journey? I think so. I hope so. Like most people, I like to look good, and it is simply easier to do that when you are slimmer than fatter. I feel better in the clothes I wear, and I feel better out of them. So yes, I want to lose weight for my wife… but I want to lose weight for me as well.

    With all of that said, who does not like getting compliments? As I have written before, not all compliments are welcome… but the sincere ones from people who care about you feel good. I was walking with Princess Sophie a few days ago and a neighbour who moved away but was in the neighbourhood saw me and was shocked by my progress. That feels good.

    I am changing my schedule for today. Usually, I would walk later in the afternoon, but because I did not walk yesterday, and because the weather is conducive to it – at present, it is 66° and cloudy. The high temperature is only forecast at 74°F, and the sun will be peaking from behind clouds from 1pm onwards. The weather will be decent all day, but if I go now, then I will have the whole afternoon to do what I want to do. Maybe I will go to a movie after lunch. Who knows?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 198

    I do not know if I could have gotten this far into my weight loss journey without the love and support of a good woman. The fact that she understands my struggles is a huge relief, and has gotten me through many hard days.

    Yesterday evening I wrote an entry that began with four paragraphs of how I was going to pick up a whole lot of really unhealthy foods for dinner. It was a dream sequence, and when that sequence was completed, I decided to space it so that the next line (‘WAKE UP, MITCH! You were dreaming! ‘) would be off the bottom of the page for most readers. I wanted the reader to feel that this was real… as real as the temptation was in me.

    When we sat down for our date, Leslie told me that I had her going, and that while she was reading it… let’s just say that she was not impressed. I told her that I did not write it as a ruse or a joke, but rather as a demonstration that while my goal is to change my unhealthy relationship with food… I am nowhere near achieving that goal. It would have been as easy for me to pick up the Chinese food and Buffalo wings as it was for me to go for my walk. Easier, in fact, because it would have required no pain, endurance, or dedication… only my credit card.

    My walking and weight management routines are still in their nascent stage, and nowhere near habitual. While I do not wake up every morning salivating over the thought of French toast drowning in Quebec maple syrup, I also am not at the point where I am addicted to my exercising. I also know that it would not take much to push me back into my old habits. Even if I were able to curtail the overeating, I would still be indulging in unhealthy foods (mostly take-out) on a daily basis. Otherwise, I might be eating only my own cooking… but eating three large meals per day. The more likely scenario is that I would be overeating a combination of my own foods and the unhealthy take-out… and that only because restaurants do get expensive, and I am not made of money.

    I do not want any of that to happen. I know that I still have a few things I will need to cut out when my current weight loss plateaus. My one meal is larger than it needs to be, and I could cut it down. I will eventually have to cut out milk in my coffee, and sugar or sweetener as well. With regard to food intake, those are currently the only things that are I might cut out if I wanted to speed things up. Yes, I could stop adding pumpkin seeds to my salad, and fewer tomatoes and onions (which are both high in sugar), but that is it.

    As I discussed with Leslie yesterday, there will be days when my weight is up (as it was yesterday), but the science is clear that if I stick with my current regimen of food and exercise, there is no way for me to not lose weight. Before I was ever introduced to my current (rather extreme) program, everyone told me that a 1,500-calorie diet would be an extreme but effective way for me to lose weight. Well guess what? I am not consuming that many calories in a day. No, I am not on the 900-calorie regimen that the full-on program calls for (four meal replacements, nothing else), but I have done that twice, and both times I succeeded until I failed. Thank you, I will do my modified program that is less extreme, but hopefully will show longer-lasting results.

    It is quite the relief that Princess Sophie is feeling better. Last night was the second in a row that she slept through the night; this morning she had her second solid and healthy bowel movement. I am relieved that whatever she was afflicted with is behind her. She had a half-day play date with Charlie yesterday, and I suspect she will be with him all day today at our neighbour Sue’s house. Every loving dog parent wants their fur-babies to be happy and healthy; the five days when she was not were not fun, not because I had to clean up several poop accidents in the kitchen (although there was nothing fun about that), and not because she got me out of bed in the middle of the night (when she did let me sleep at all), but mostly because I hated seeing her unhappy. She is a very proud pup, and I know that she was embarrassed by her needs and by her weakness. I can see it in her eyes that she is relieved to be feeling better.

    My plan for the day is no different from yesterday. My fitness watch has a sliding scale for daily step goals, which I believe is based on your average steps for the last week. Today’s goal is 11,540, and judging by my performance this week I should not have any trouble achieving that. I am going to set a goal though… I have since Monday walked 31.75km, averaging just under 8km per day. I am going to aim for a fifty-five-kilometre goal from Monday through Sunday. To achieve that, all I have to do is average 8 km per day, which is really my baseline now anyways. The challenge is getting out there to do it… and that despite whatever the weather may be. Today will likely be my easiest day – the forecast high is 26° (79°F), and the only rain forecast is before noon. Tomorrow the forecast is mostly sunny with a high of 31°C (88°F), with Sunday being slightly higher, and with a 50% chance or rain. So as long as I am willing to brave the elements, I can achieve that goal.

    I tried to find a reasonably flight to Dallas over the next few days, but last-minute inexpensive flights are very hard to come by. I miss Leslie terribly, and really wish I could be with her.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 197

    It could not last forever. After a seven-day streak of my weight dropping (by nearly six pounds), this morning it was up… and rather significantly, if not disastrously. Yesterday morning the numbers were flirting with crossing a major milestone, which this morning is a full two-pounds away. I know I will get there in the next few days, but my hopes of crossing below 325-pounds this morning were dashed, and I am now a full two pounds from that goal. Tomorrow is another day, right?

    There is a tendency that I remember from my first ever true attempt at weight loss, maybe eighteen years ago. It was not uncommon for me to cheat on a particular day, see no ill-effects the following day, and then see weight gain on the second day. Likewise, if I had a really good day, I might not see weight loss the next day, but the day after I would drop.

    All this to say, I am wondering if the numbers on the scale this morning might be reflecting the bag of popcorn I ate on Tuesday. It probably is not, but it will be interesting to watch for going forward. I know that I has very good yesterday, and my only cheat was a Japanese biscuit after lunch. That was followed by a seven-kilometre walk that saw my fastest cadence (steps per minute) recorded yet.

    I am thrilled that Princess Sophie had, for the first time since Saturday, a solid bowel movement this morning… after sleeping through the night for the first time in that time. Her Mommy and I have been very worried about her, and I was planning to take her to the vet on Saturday if she was not better by then. I am still going to keep a close eye on her for the next few days, but I am hoping she is better. I will say that she had a helluva romp this morning, first with her friend Charlie, and a few minutes later with Lewis and Louis. While she has not lost her playfulness in these last few days, I still see it as a good sign.

    I had another wonderful video date with my wife last night. She is such a wonderful woman, and I am really not liking this long-distance thing. When I am down there in a few weeks, we are going to have a serious discussion about how to remedy that as quickly as possible. Because of the immigration issue, it will not be overnight… but however quickly it can be, we both really want to be together. I love that I can see her every night, but I hate that I cannot hold her in my arms. It is time to figure out the ultimate solution so that we can be together forever.

    My plans for the day are to stay the course. With the exception of the popcorn the other day, I have been good, and the results have been obvious. I am currently three kilograms slimmer than I was on my last official weigh-in day, which is far and away the best two-week loss I have had since I started getting weighed at the doctor’s office. Of course, owing to my teaching schedule I will not be back for another weigh-in until August 24, which is nearly three-weeks from today. I am hoping that in that time I can lose another three kilos, and hear the doctor say to me ‘Is this right?’ He has known me for fifteen years and knows that I can achieve anything I set my mind to; he has also seen me stagnate, and he has certainly seen me falter a number of times. He is a nice guy, but I am not trying to make him happy; I want him to be impressed because of my success, I do not want to succeed to impress him.

    While my heel is reminding me that I might want to change out my footwork, I am not feeling any other ill effects of my working out. That includes my ankle, which did not seem to bother me when I took Her Floofness for her walk this morning. I note that for two reasons. The first of which is the obvious and immediate… yes, I am feeling better, and I can plan for a good walk this afternoon and not have to worry about taking time off for injury.

    The other reason is because I remember back to my first few walks, and then to the first few where I pushed myself. After all of those, I would come home and nearly collapse in place, avoiding falling into bed only because I was disgustingly sweaty. The following day, I would feel my muscles aching with the reminder that they were not used to being used, and needed time to heal. While I certainly can feel in my leg muscles that they are recovering from the walk, I am raring to go for another one this afternoon after class. That is a sure sign of real progress, and a real non-scale victory.

    Adding to that NSV is the fact that I am walking better. I do not mean when I am pushing myself to exercise, rather when I am walking down the street, taking Princess Sophie for a walk, or whatever. Even walking through the supermarket, I feel lighter. It is, frankly, exhilarating. The phrase ‘You ain’t seen nothing yet’ comes to mind, knowing that as I continue to lose weight, my stride will continue to improve.

    It is good for me, on days when I am disappointed by the numbers on my scale, to remember how far I have come, and how sluggish I was just seven months ago. Forget that, just a couple of months ago I was still strides behind where I am today. For reasons I cannot recall, the other night I reached down between my legs from behind with one arm, and was able to clasp my hands through my legs… without my enormous belly getting in the way, and without the pains of ‘fat bodies do not move like that!’

    Don’t get me wrong… according to the numbers, I am still morbidly obese. Hell, according to what I see in the mirror, forgetting the numbers. According to the charts I look at online, I am still a good twenty-five pounds away from a promotion from morbidly obese to simply obese. According to those same charts, I am roughly one hundred pounds from simply being overweight. Those numbers are daunting, but they are also the goals that I am setting for myself.

    If it sounds like I am getting down on myself, let me assure you that I am not. I am being realistic and using that to encourage myself to keep going. I will not lose one hundred pounds in this calendar year – that is simply not realistic, and if it is, there is no healthy way to do so… at least, without surgery (either stomach surgery or limb amputation). However, rather than saying ‘It has to be done this year’ I say ‘I want to do it, I am committed to doing it, and I am willing to be patient with my progress knowing that I am doing the best that I can.’

    So, what is realistic for this calendar year? We are in the eighth month, and I am 7.5 months into my weight loss journey. I have lost nearly seventy pounds in that time. Another seventy pounds is not realistic… but would it be doable to lose another forty pounds in the remaining months of the year? That would take my weight loss to about 110-pounds, and would bring my weight down well below the 300-pound mark. That is possible. Now, if I stick with my regimen, it is possible that I could lose even more… but I am not going to get myself excited and set myself up for failure. Yes, it would be nice to get down to 260lbs, but doing that by the end of this year – or even by Day 365 (January 19, 2023) is a lofty goal. I will get there… but I will get there when I get there.

    Leslie and I had a conversation last night about my weight loss that resonated with me. She has been encouraging me to lose the weight, but at the same time, I know that she was attracted to me when I was at my heaviest. She made it clear last night (although not for the first time) that she wants me to lose the weight because she wants me to be healthy, because she wants to spend as many years as possible with me. I want that too. I want to be able to live a long and healthy life with her, and losing weight (and getting back into shape) is a huge part of that. I do not want to find myself ten years from today with a pacemaker and a bland diet that is medically prescribed lest I drop dead of another heart attack. I want to live a long life with her… and I want to be able to eat whatever I want!

    Over the weekend my friend Eduardo is coming over for a cigar, and I am going to ask him to take a picture of me exactly where and how I was standing when we took the ‘before’ picture on the day I started this journey. I look in the mirror today and I still see a fat man, but with all of the progress I know I have made, I am looking forward to seeing those two pictures side-by-side. Yes, I will post the two on my blog for the world to see… but I am not doing it for them. Leslie sees my progress, and it is easy to see so many ways that I have improved these last seven months. It is important for me to stop seeing myself as a fat man, and start recognizing the huge improvements I have made… even on days when I cannot see positive changes from day to day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Beating Mother Nature

    I barely beat the rain that was not predicted to come just a few hours earlier. Our story:

    I finished teaching my class around the usual time. As has been the case for the last few days, I made my meal replacement shake, and then called Leslie to chat for a bit while I changed into my exercise kit. I sat down at the computer to continue chatting with her, mostly so that I could make sure that none of my stragglers – by which I mean the students who were assiduously and faithfully staying late to complete the last lab of the day – had any questions. Sure enough, the clock struck, and I was able to end the session completely.

    While that has not always been the case, this time the only reason I was looking at my computer screen while talking with my wife is because I wanted to close the class, which she understood. While looking at the screen, I noticed in the bottom right corner an advisory that rain was coming. My recollection from when I checked this forecast this morning was that there was no precipitation expected today. As we like to say, if you don’t like the weather in Canada… wait a minute.

    I clicked on the advisory and saw that the rain was predicted for just after 7:00pm. Leslie understood that I was going to get going immediately, which I did. I took to the trails, setting out to do a simple and familiar walk around the block… which is actually a seven-kilometre walk that I’ve done several times. Most of the time I supplement the basic rectangle with some added detours, paths, and trails; today my goal was to get home sweating but otherwise dry.

    • Distance: 7.03 km (9 km)
    • Duration: 1:12:07 (1:37:36 minutes)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:15 (10:42)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 10m02s
    • Steps: 9k (11.6k)
    • Calories burned: 725 (500)
    • Elevation gain: 29m (36m)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 126 (118)

    There are some numbers on these stats that do not add up. I have no idea, for example, how I bested my cadence by 8 steps per minute… although looking at the graph it does seem to show that I was walking at a faster pace than usual. Most likely I was taking shorter steps and more of them, which would account for that.

    I am going to hit the showers so I can clean up and then make my evening meal replacement shake, and be ready in time for my date with an angel later this evening. I also want to make a note to call the vet for Princess Sophie, who has been having gastro issues since Saturday. Let’s see if I can get her in to see the doctor over the weekend.

  • Day 191

    I made a huge mistake while preparing for my walk yesterday. I compounded it by not listening to my body. Those mistakes will take time to recover from.

    A year and a half ago, I bought a pair of running shoes that I thought were really cool. I wore them once, and never again. I could go into the reasons behind that, but suffice it to say that they are a very different pair of shoes, and I do not remember them being uncomfortable so much as they were weird.

    I decided to try them again yesterday. I laced them up and headed out. I should mention that I was exhausted, and really wanted to go to sleep, not for a walk. If I am going to do this, if I am going to train my brain to exercise daily, then sometimes I will have to force myself to go out, even when I do not want to. Yesterday was one of those days, and I decided I would do a quick eight kilometres and be done with it. Leslie will attest that when I started, I told her that these nearly-new shoes looked and felt like they were going to be really fast.

    I started my walk, and was trying to figure out if the soles were just tight, or what else was going on. I do not think my feet actually started to hurt until after the first kilometre, but I do remember thinking that if I turned back to change shoes I would likely not go back out. I kept going.

    After two kilometres I sat down for a couple of minutes, mostly to loosen the laces on the shoes. I hoped that would make things better. At the end of the third kilometre I sat down and realized that my heels were blistered and probably worse, and that going further would likely cause an injury. I sat down for a respite before turning back. While I continued to measure progress on my app, I knew that my return journey would not be a fast one… Indeed, I needed to stop a couple of times again.

    This morning my heels are indeed blistered. I will go to Shopper’s Drug Mart on my lunch to pick up larger square bandages that I can hope to heel them with while still walking. Still and all, I might have to take today off my walking routine. If I can protect the heels then great, but if I cannot then I do not want to damage them further, exacerbating whatever time off I need to take.

    It is a beautiful day, and I am excited to have the weekend ahead of me. This evening my wife and I have a date to light the Sabbath candles and then have a drink and a cigar on the patio, and I am looking forward to that. I miss her more than I can say, and if I cannot hold her then at least I can see her and talk to her.

    It is late morning, and I am already looking forward to my lunch. I have prepared the salad, and there are two pieces of chicken that are seasoned and sitting in my air fryer, just waiting for me to turn it on at 12:05. I feel like a goldfish. When I am hungry, it feels like I will always be hungry. I forget that when I have a big lunch, I will be sated until the end of the day’s meal replacements. Instead, I am thinking that I should be planning what to prepare for dinner, because I know I will be hungry again. These are just some of the bad attitudes that I am talking about when I say I need to break my unhealthy relationship with food. Stop thinking to the next meal before you have eaten this meal!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 190

    While my weight was down this morning, it was only a slight drop, and nothing to counteract the huge jump from yesterday. Nonetheless, I am going to keep on track. I still weighed in above 330-pounds, which is a huge psychological bump for me. I hope that by the weekend I have gotten back below that milestone, which I had thought was behind me.

    When I finished my class last night, I realized I was exhausted. I love teaching, but it does take a lot out of me… especially when I have not been sleeping well, as has been the case. Nonetheless, and despite predictions of rain, I embarked upon a fitness walk. Because I selected footwear that would have been appropriate for the rain, I was not going to be setting any records. The fact that I got out there at all was a victory. That I walked 8km was really huge. Yes, that distance has become my base distance, and I am going to try to do that every day; that does not change the fact that three minutes before I went out, I was trying to decide between walking and going to sleep.

    In the end, it did not rain… although when I took Princess Sophie for her walk this morning it started to rain, and from what I see out the window the rain has not stopped. The forecast predicts rain all day, although that prediction is then clarified as a 20% chance of rain most of the day. Sometimes I think that meteorologists were put on this planet to make psychics look credible.

    • Distance: 8.05 km (10 km)
    • Duration: 1:27:37 (1:41:26 minutes)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:49 (10:08)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 10m35s
    • Steps: 10.3k (12.4k)
    • Calories burned: 466 (582)
    • Elevation gain: 36m (39.6m)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 118 (122)

    I had a great talk with Leslie last night. I really miss her, and know that when I am with her, I am not only happier, I sleep better. We discussed my fitness walking and weight management program. I told her that while she is not the only reason I am losing weight and getting into shape, she is certainly one of them. Among the other reasons are that I would like to look good, and that when I weigh less and am in better shape, I feel better. She reminded me that she loves me for me, and has been attracted to me all along… but she appreciates that I am dedicated to losing weight for myself and for us.

    After a great deal of frustration and aggravation, I was able to book my next trip to see her. The American Airlines website does not seem to like the fact that my credit card is American, even though I am Canadian. There is an option to change countries for the credit card, and when you select it, you are kicked back to the main menu. When you call, they offer to call you back… sometime between two and six hours from now, which when it is already 10pm does not bode well. Leslie was able to log on and do it from her end, and so the day after my classes are done, I am flying off to see her. Yay!

    Today is another fish day. The last ten days I have been buying fresh chicken and fish from the supermarket, forgetting that I had a large bag of Norwegian salmon from Costco. I enjoyed it yesterday, and will do the same for today. Yesterday I had to make myself a second salad with lunch, possibly because the salmon is fewer calories than the chicken. I’m not sure, but I think it was better to have more salad than a cookie.

    I start teaching in fifteen minutes, and I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. Yes, I am that tired. I have not been sleeping well, but I still feel better working and exercising than I would sitting around lazily. I will go through my pot of coffee this morning, and I will make it through the day. I will go for a fitness walk this evening, even if it is raining. On that note, I found a great use for a hat that was gifted to me a couple of weeks ago! Leslie and I (as well as a number of other people I asked) are on the fence about the fashion of the hat… but it will certainly keep my head dry in the rain, and it folds into my walking satchel quite nicely!

    My trip to Dallas is booked for August 24. My goal is to lose at least fifteen pounds by then. That will require a strict regimen of no cheating on the diet, and sticking to my exercise plan. If I do that, then I should be able to get there… let’s see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 189

    I spent most of yesterday afternoon feeling a bit light-headed. When I told Leslie, she suggested I consider taking a day off my walking routine. It has been said by some that I am not very good at taking advice, but this advice I accepted… even though I was kinda jonesing to go for a short walk. Instead, I ran an errand that I had put off for several months, and when I came home, I sat on the patio with a cigar for the first time in several days.

    There are mornings when I step onto the bathroom scale and say ‘Hmph… I was pretty good yesterday, but I am still half a pound up from yesterday.’ On those days I take comfort in knowing that my progress will balance out, and that tomorrow I will be lower than I was yesterday. Then there are days like this morning, when the numbers on the scale are nearly three-pounds higher than yesterday, and I want to hurl the damned thing out the window. How can my weight be that much higher today than yesterday? I know that weight loss will not be a constant and unbroken downward linear graph, but really? A 2.5-pound gain in one day not only is a tough blip, it also tipped me back above my last decade milestone, which is never fun. When you are staying true to the program, you are supposed to look back at milestones, and not fall back and have to achieve it over and over again.

    There were three things that I did differently yesterday that could be factors in this slip, although even if we combine all three, I am truly shocked that my weight was not (as expected) much lower this morning. The first, I did have a Japanese biscuit after my lunch. I have done that a few times before, and that should not be a big deal. Second: I was truly hungry in the evening between my third and fourth meal replacements; I thought about making myself a salad, but decided instead to just cut up a tomato and eat it with a drizzle of salt. Of course, the third is that I did not walk yesterday. The factor that I think actually caused the blip is the tomato… or rather, the salt that I added to it. I seldom add salt to anything, and I know that it can cause water retention. If that is the case, that terrible number on the scale should right itself by tomorrow… as extreme as it is.

    Last night I was speaking with Leslie and we discussed my next visit, and I asked how amazing it would be if I could lose another fifteen to twenty pounds between now and then. She asked if that was possible, and from last night’s perspective I thought it was. In the morning gloom, following the ridiculous weight gain this morning, I wonder if I was overconfident in that prediction. Again, weight loss is not a constant downward linear graph… but on days like today when I gain so much weight, it is easy to lose faith. I do plan to keep on track, but still…

    One of the reasons I was really surprised by the weight gain this morning is the sheer volume of urine I expelled in the previous twelve hours. Twice before bed, and then several times throughout the night, I peed like the proverbial racehorse. I figured that I might be two kilos lighter based on the expelled liquid. No such luck.

    As luck would have it, the forecast for the rest of the day shows a 40% chance of showers between 6-8pm, which is exactly when I would like to be walking. I did not walk yesterday, and I have said before that I am hoping that the positive behavioural change will become a habit. With that said, I will dress for it, and I will go for my walk after class… whether or not I get wet. I will wear an older pair of shoes, I will wear a hat, and I might even bring a light jacket if I feel it is necessary. I will not be breaking any records on my walk, but I will keep up the exercise, and I will still try to walk between 6-8 kilometres, rain or shine.

    When I am done with my walk, I am hoping that my wife and I can have a nice, relaxing long-distance date over video chat. Tonight is the first night in two weeks that her son will be with his father, so we should be able to have a nice and relaxing evening, maybe a little drink and a cigar on the balcony… who knows? I just look forward to spending some time with her, without her having to be on edge that her son will be calling on her to clean up whatever.

    I was still hungry after my lunch, which was salmon and a salad. I decided that instead of having a biscuit, I would make another salad. I should now be able to get through the rest of the day with my meal replacements before and after my walk. If I can, then there is no reason why tomorrow morning the bathroom scale should not be down. Here’s hoping!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 188

    I am still reeling from the monster walk I took last night. I am also reeling from some conversations I have been having, and am starting to believe that things will be okay. As I have alluded to over the past ten days or so, my emotions have been in turmoil, and have felt pretty hopeless. The fact that I have not only stuck to my meal plan, but have also started and maintained a rigorous exercise routine with my fitness walking, is a testament to the fact that I do not have to turn to food when life turns to shit. That has always been my default, but it does not make it healthy. Over the past two weeks, following my old patterns, I have every reason to be up 5-10 pounds. Instead, I am down eleven pounds. To put that into perspective, that is the difference between weighing nearly 350-pounds and weighing under 330-pounds. I have to call that my greatest attitude and behavioural victory since… I don’t even know when!

    I did cheat yesterday. After my lunch of chicken and salad, I decided to have a Japanese biscuit. The fact that each time that I eat one I am proud of myself that I can stick to just one. I am also proud that I have had them since my birthday, and I have not devoured the entire box. This is another great success… the old me – the gluttonous me – would have knocked down at least a couple (if not more) every single day until they were gone.

    Who am I kidding? There is not old me / new me. Not yet, anyways. I am the same me, with the gluttonous tendencies toward large portions of extremely unhealthy foods that I have always been. The fact that I have been suppressing that side of me does not mean that I have changed; it means that I want to change, but I am still who I have always been. It is too easy to give myself credit for change… like congratulating myself on my Nobel Prize when I dress up as a brilliant scientist. I have to remember every day that I am still the same man with the same desires, and that I will likely never change. I can change my habits, but I cannot ever let down my guard. It is the vigilance that I have forced upon myself that is responsible for my weight loss… and certainly not my actual nature.

    On a few of Leslie’s early visits to see me last year, the last night before she flew home, we went to QB’s Sports Bar for dinner. I remember the foods that we ordered, which even in moderation would have been terribly unhealthy. I can hardly believe that I could sit there with a gorgeous and sexy woman, order a large pizza and a plate of wings, and devour them with no shame. Just the thought of doing that embarrasses me, and I have to remember that not only the next time, but every time I sit down to eat… whether I am eating with Leslie or alone.

    Today is a new day, and I am psyched to keep going. After yesterday’s slight bump up, my weight was once again down today, so I am happy with that. If I keep it up, I might actually fit into my smaller suits by mid-September, which would be amazing. Because of my class schedule for the next few weeks, it will be a month between weigh-ins at the doctor’s office. If I keep my pace of progress up, it is not unreasonable to expect I could be down ten kilos in that month. It is an unbelievable number to hope for, but it is my goal. My appointment is for August 24, which is just under 30 days from today. If I can weigh in under 141 kilos, I will be absolutely over the moon thrilled! Even if I miss that goal, but weigh seven kilos less than I do now, it will be a tremendous success.

    I noticed after eating my main meal today that I was, once again, still peckish. I looked (unsuccessfully) for a healthy snack, and quickly realized that there is no such thing as a truly healthy snack that resides in the pantry. I ended up having a single Japanese biscuit, which is not healthy, but as long as I only eat the one, I will not lose a lot of traction on my weight loss program.

    I think yesterday’s schedule worked really well, and I am going to try to repeat it today. After class, I will take Princess Sophie for a walk. I will then come back home and change into my workout kit. Before I go out though, I will have my second meal replacement shake. I will go for a good fitness walk (which I suspect it will be somewhat less intense than yesterday’s record-shattering outing. When I come back in, I will shower, write up my activity, and then I will have my final meal replacement of the evening. I will get into bed and hopefully speak with my beautiful wife, who might or might not be able to, owing to the child situation. I really do love ending my day by sharing a few moments on video chat with her. It makes my heart soar, and even if I do not fall asleep right away (as has been the case these last few nights), it puts my mind at ease so I can rest.

    I will be back after my walk, but until then… have a great day!

  • Day 178

    My passport finally arrived at 1:10pm yesterday, and after stopping for gas I was on the road by 1:18pm. As expected, I had problems at the border, but they did let me in. Yay.

    I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, then a bagel while sitting and waiting with Stephane. I did buy some peanuts (less than a dollar’s worth). I honestly do not remember eating lunch!

    Shortly after six p.m. I stopped along the road to get a sandwich from Subway. I would usually have made a different choice, but Leslie told me that is what she and her son were eating, and I wanted to eat with them. I had a chicken sandwich with onion teriyaki sauce. If I was not trying to keep moving, I would have ordered a salad… but I needed to move! As it is, I only pulled into the hotel at 10:30pm.

    Yes, I did buy a bag of Smartfoods white cheddar popcorn, but I only ate a little bit, then left the rest for Leslie and her so .

    Yes, I cheated yesterday… but not badly at all!

    This morning I had a bagel with peanut butter which was delicious! We went to a movie, and I did buy popcorn… but without butter. For lunch, we went to Wendy’s. I had a spicy classic chicken sandwich and a bowl of chili. While I could have done better, I could have done much worse too!

    We spent over an hour in the swimming pool, and that was a lot of fun. This evening we are going to the wedding, and I will just be conscious of what I eat so as to not do badly.

    Have a great evening folks!

  • Day 173

    I am not surprised that I gained four pounds over the weekend, and nearly six pounds since the day of my birthday. It could have been worse. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that in my sadness yesterday evening I had two large bowls of cereal right before bed. Yes, I had a great time at the concert with Lyle and Dorothy and Tamara, but I miss Leslie when she is not there, and so rather than having something reasonable to quench my hunger, I sat down at the table at midnight and chowed down. Today will be better, and tomorrow’s numbers on the scale will be as well.

    Of course, tomorrow morning I am driving to Montreal, which means I will have to be extra vigilant with sticking to my diet, or at least to eating reasonably healthy. At Leslie’s I was able to control what I ate because Leslie and I did the shopping, and she does a good job of helping me to stay honest and on track. While we are meeting up Friday in Long Island, I will be on my own at my friends’ house tomorrow through Friday, and there will be a lot of long-distance driving to boot. There is only one person who can keep me on track, and I shave his face in the mirror every morning.

    I have a neighbour who will be looking after Princess Sophie for the week. She is so wonderful, and I will miss her. Leslie told me that her son really wants to meet her, but first things first. He will meet me on Friday, and next month he will meet Her Royal Floofness.

    I have had a headache for the past hour, so I am going to finish up a couple of things and then try to relax with a cigar, and hopefully talk with my wife.

    Have a great day!