Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Support of Friends and Family

    There are differences between nagging and encouraging. Having been exposed to both, I am familiar with many of them.

    Encouraging someone comes from a place of love, caring, and concern. It is done when someone is open to your input, and when you try to convey it in a way that will be accepted and is meant to help.

    Nagging might also come from caring, but it is usually done in a way that will discourage the person. It is done with a tone that can be hurtful or belittling, it might even be accusatory. While it might be intended to help, it can beat the person down and discourage them, having the exact opposite effect.

    A couple of months ago, Leslie and I were speaking about my weight loss regimen, and she told me that she was sorry for several things that she had said. I did not understand why and told her so. She reminded me that within the last few days she had:

    · Called me when I told her I might be too tired to walk and told me ‘Get dressed and go for a walk, Mister!’

    · Encouraged me to not have an extra salad one evening, calling it a ‘gateway salad,’ essentially that if I thought that having the salad with just vegetables was okay, I would not only make it a habit, but would then start adding canned salmon and seeds to it.

    · Reminded me on a number of occasions that I was doing well, and to stay strong so that I could accomplish what I wanted to with this diet.

    Over the years, I have told several people – not only individually, but I went so far as to write articles on it – that I did not want their input on my weight loss. That was not only about unsolicited advice, but even comments about my progress. When it comes to weight loss, everyone seems to have opinions and advice. It is all meant to be encouraging, but so often has the opposite effect.

    I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me something like: ‘You are doing great on your diet! You should try…’ and then shared their advice with me. Folks, if I am doing well, then let me continue doing what I am doing. For that matter, if I falter then the best way for me to get back on track is with the familiar, not with something new.

    I have a friend who weighs more than I do and has also over the last few months lost a lot of weight. He is doing incremental fasting, and the results are incredible. We have discussed his methods several times… and he knows mine. What he has not done was told me that I have to try this.

    When you are losing weight, it could feel good to hear people tell you how great you look. That is not always the case though, and because of that, sometimes I just do not want to hear it. I like to think that I have a pretty thick skin, but when someone tells me that I am doing good on my diet it is a judgement, and oftentimes I do not want to be judged.

    The last few days, as I have written, I have faltered quite a bit. While I walked quite a bit while I was in Montreal, I ate badly. On my second day back from Montreal, I went on an amazing, longest-walk-ever. That was Monday. Since then, I have not exercised, nor have I stuck to my weight loss regimen.

    Yesterday evening, my wife asked me if she needed to show me tough love… knowing that I have not been doing well. I told her that I did, and so she told me that if I did not get out for at least two really good walks before coming to Dallas, she would not pick me up from the airport. It’s rather a longer walk than I am comfortable committing to, so I figured that I had better set out today for my first of at least two good walks before Thursday.

    • Distance: 9.35km (10.45km)
    • Duration: 1:31:03 (1:44:12)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 9:44 (9:58)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 9m17 (9m36)
    • Steps: 11.2k (12.8k)
    • Calories burned: 1,147 (1,242)
    • Elevation gain: 46.2 (37)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 124 (122)

    Do I think that my wife would have left me stranded at the airport? Of course she would not. She knows me though, and she asked if I wanted her to be tough on me. She knows that she has leave to use the carrot and the stick. I actively seek her encouragement, support, and when warranted, her berating. While most of the people who try to give me advice and encouragement are equally well-meaning, their input is not welcome. Leslie’s is welcomed and actively sought. I do not expect her to lock me out of the house if I don’t walk X number of kilometres this week… but I also do not want her blowing sunshine and roses up my rear what I am having a bad time of it.

    I did not break records today, but I had a really good walk, and a really good sweat. I am going to take my shower, and then start preparing my lunch. After that, I will go shopping, and will try to pick up enough provisions to take me through my flight on Thursday. I am usually pretty good, but every single trip to the supermarket is another opportunity for me to falter. I will not! I will, however, buy milk for my coffee, a couple more packages of chicken, and lettuce. I will check, I might also need an onion. I do not think there is anything else that I need, and today’s can be my last trip to the supermarket until I am home from Texas in a month.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 242

    Today is the day that I get back on track. Sunday, September 18th. It is precisely two years to the day since I lost my footing after Yom Kippur services, and my life went from one of disciplined eating to one of unabashed gluttony. Rather than getting dressed as I usually do this morning, I donned my walking kit, even knowing that it would be two hours before my fitness walk.

    My slide into sloven ended today. My weight loss slide ends today. Today is the day I hit the road and dig my heels in and say, ‘I am not sliding down this slippery slope any further!’ I have had my meal replacement, I am nearly through my second cup of coffee, and I am not going to cheat on my weight management program today. Tomorrow morning, I am going to wake up, step on the scale, and I will be pleased with the numbers.

    I have a lot more to write, but the truth is that I have a short window of opportunity. According to the weather forecast, it might start raining by noon. If I go out now, I will be back by 11:30… sweaty but dry. Maybe I’ll take my hat, just in case. After all, meteorologists were put on this earth to make psychics look respectable.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 241

    I know that I have hit a plateau on my weight loss journey. It is not a physiological plateau, rather a mental one. I am not sticking to the program as well as I need to in order to continue to lose weight. I need to stop cheating, and I need to start exercising daily… or at least near daily.

    I feel like I have turned self-destructive since my trip to Montreal began. That my weight is not up more than two pounds since I left for Montreal is astounding. I need to figure out what is wrong with my head, and why it is that I cannot stay on track. Only then will I be able to get back onto the track and keep losing weight.

    The psychology of weight loss is not a simple one. I love food. I love losing weight. I love eating. I love being slim. I hate dieting and starving myself and being fat and gaining weight and wearing big clothes and above all I hate that I am not completely in control of my own self, that I cannot just will myself to succeed with my weight loss program. If only there were a recovery program, like there is for drug addicts. I remember the scene from The Sopranos where Chris goes into the treatment centre. They take away even his candy bars because the caffeine in the chocolate is equally a drug to the cocaine or whatever he was doing. They encourage his smoking though, which is one of those dichotomies that Hollywood does not properly explain. If I could be committed to a facility where veering from the program was not an option, where I was given 1,000 calories per day, where I was forced to exercise… but I do not have that option.

    The option that is available to me is that in five days I will be getting onto a plane to see my wife, and when I am with her, I have the support and encouragement that I need to make the right choices… and that’s really what I need. I need to make the right choices every day, and if there is a day when I make bad choices, then I have to come back the following day to make better ones.

    To be clear, these last two weeks I have made a lot of bad choices… but none of them have been massive. I had some crackers and popcorn a couple of days. I had an extra salad and popcorn another. I bought bread for the prayers, but not the huge loaf. I suspect that the first sentence of this entry used the right word… I am on a plateau. It may take a few days, but I will resume my downward descent. It is not a valley, where I have hit my lowest (best) weight and am now on my way up. No way. I will get back on this weight loss horse and keep losing the weight.

    What is it that I have to do then? Leslie has been encouraging me to schedule cheat days. Whether they are weekly or monthly, there can be one scheduled day that I can look forward to when I can go a little crazy. I don’t mean ‘a big plate of wings and a large pizza’ crazy… maybe a reasonable meal on top of my one reasonable meal. Maybe I have to break up the monotony of the chicken and salad (which I really and truly do enjoy) with more fish, or even beef. Maybe it is a bag of chips. I don’t know what a cheat day should look like, I only know that I am going to give a lot more thought to how it should look, and how often I should take them.

    This morning, on top of my meal replacement shake, I finished the challah roll. It was very good, and I do not think it was the worst cheat in the world. As long as I do not snack the rest of the day, I do not think I will be punished for it. Starches and carbohydrates are fuel, so what I need to do is to burn them off throughout the day. I’ll do that.

    This afternoon I am taking Her Floofness to Ryan’s for a few hours. I am looking forward to seeing my buddy, and only hope that his sister’s classless boyfriend is not there. I hate that I was either seeing my friend or not based on whether or not that guy would be there. I am done avoiding him. I can easily sit in a room and ignore his racist moronic crap… even if it is aimed at me. I will do my best to not be goaded into a fight… either verbal (which I would certainly win) or otherwise. How often have I advised people to never enter into a battle of wits with the unarmed. I have to follow my own advice. It is not always so simple.

    We are not going to leave for Cambridge until after lunch. I will make my meal and will hit the road on a full stomach. Otherwise, I would be tempted to stop along the way to pick up a handful of peanuts, or I would snack at Ryan’s place. Going on a full stomach is the smarter play, and one that I have not played a lot. The last few times I have driven out there, I have planned to eat when I got home. That is just a bad idea, considering how peckish one can get when breaking their meal plan.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 240

    I am relieved to see that the numbers on the scale were slightly down this morning. I had some popcorn yesterday, which I know I should not have. I also had another salad, which I shouldn’t do, but which is not the end of the world. I know that I should be trying to stick to my plan, but I was really out of sorts yesterday. I hope to do better today.

    I have to do some shopping this morning. I do have a steak that I could defrost, but I do not think that I have done well enough on my program recently to deserve that treat. I will pick up some chicken, as well as vegetables. I have onion and tomatoes, but I am out of cucumber and lettuce. I am also going to see if they have any sesame oil, which they did not have the last time I went.

    My friend Eduardo and I are supposed to get together today for me to replace the hard drive in his computer. I honestly hate helping friends keep computers going that are over ten years old, but what can I do? He is a friend on a budget and does not want to spend the money to buy something new. We will of course smoke a cigar together, which will be nice. I like hanging out with my friends. Tomorrow I will be going to see Ryan, which is always a nice way to spend the afternoon. I just hope that his sister’s boyfriend isn’t there… he’s a real tool. I have no interest in breathing the same air as anyone who tells antisemitic jokes. We’ll see… it might turn into a short afternoon.

    I have a couple of things that I want to post for sale on Facebook Marketplace. I only mention that here because I know that it is the first time that I have written or verbalized it, despite having thought of it for weeks. If I write it down, I might actually get cracking on it. Let’s hope.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 239

    Yesterday did not go as planned, but it did not go too badly. After my minor procedure at the doctor’s (which did not hurt a bit) I came home and made lunch. So far, I was on track.

    I then had a bunch of Salt and Vinegar Goldfish. Not so much on track, but still not off the rails.

    My housekeeper came, and I sat on the balcony with my book and a cigar. We are still doing well.

    Around dinner time, I decided to polish off the leftover fajita bowl from the previous evening with my son. I had forgotten that he had given me a single wing in my leftovers container. Both the fajita bowl and the wing were delicious!

    Late in the evening, I had a meal replacement shake. I was quite peckish, and I did not want to go to bed hungry.

    Throughout the day I drank more water than I usually do on non-exercise days. I think that is one of the reasons my weight was down nearly a pound today (from the reading on the bathroom scale from yesterday, and not from the doctor’s office reading). I am happy about that, but I know I have to get out for a walk today, which I will probably do after lunch. Sun and all, the forecast high for the day is 64° Fahrenheit, and I am wondering if I should tough it out in shorts, or if my training pants are the uniform of the day. I suspect that I’ll stick with shorts, but that will be a gametime decision.

    I reached out to my diet buddy about this evening. She has missed more meetings than she has made these last couple of months, and more often than not, I have not gone out of my way to keep her in line. While most of the time it has been because I have had other things going on, the truth is that she has not really been managing her weight loss, and I have felt it a bit discouraging to meet with someone weekly who would tell me about the poutine and whatever else she was eating. Two weeks ago, she told me she was starting the program again. I look forward to chatting with her this evening, and seeing what progress she has made.

    I am feeling a bit out of sorts today. It is not a physical thing; it is just one of those ‘Lost in Space’ days. I usually take a bit of time to write my morning article, getting distracted by the odd email or whatever. Today, I say here for nearly two hours, looking at Facebook and Discord and whatever else, until I finally wrote this last paragraph. If I had not gone overboard yesterday, I might have thought it was a calorie deprivation thing. No, I doubt it… not after the extras that I ate. I must just have my head in the clouds.

    In one week I am flying to Dallas, and I will again be with my lovely wife. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about that. Over the three-week period I will be in the US, I will also spend six days in Southern California, visiting my old stomping grounds. It will be good to catch up with old friends, every one of whom I miss dearly. I chatted with one this morning, and I officially started putting social engagements into my calendar for that week. Yes, the general theme will likely be cigars. The first such event I have put in is at the Grand Havana Room, one of (if not) the most prestigious private cigar lounges in the country. Fortunately, I have several friends who are members, and so getting in has never been an issue for me. With that said, I am more excited to see my wife (who I saw two weeks ago) than I am most of my friends (who I have not seen in a year). She truly is my beloved. 

    Have a great day folks!

  • A Pleasant Surprise A-Weights…

    Boy did I get that one wrong somehow. I lost a lot more than a half kilo in the past three weeks. In fact, I lost 2.6kg, which makes me quite happy. The procedure went well, and I am home. The chicken is in the air fryer, the salad is made, and in a few minutes, I will have my lunch as planned. In fact, it looks like my entire day will go as planned.

    The doctor told me that the nurse was extremely pleased with my overall progress, in addition to my incremental progress. I won’t lie… I’m pretty pleased with it too!

    My next appointment with the doctor is scheduled for a month from now, right on the heels of my three-week trip to Dallas and California. As long as I remember every minute of every day that my weight loss is more satisfying than the often-indulgent foods that will be offered to me, there is hope that in that time I can lose another 3-4kg in that time. I will work hard to make that happen. 4kg in a month should be not just doable, but very doable.

  • Day 238

    I have to start remembering that on days when I have a meal with my son, I am going to be eating at a restaurant. Why then would I have the full lunch, and full supper? It is probably because I do not want to break my routine of eating at lunch time. He and I went to Lone Star Grill, where I ordered a grilled chicken fajita bowl (without the cheese). Unfortunately, they also put out a plate of nachos and salsa, which I indulged in. I consider that a failure. My son ordered an appetizer of queso and chips which I did not touch. I chalked that up as a success. Of course, my avoidance of the dip was not only a weight issue; I do not mix dairy with meat… or chicken.

    At the end of the meal, Gilad asked to take most of his dinner home with him. This is not unusual – he fills up on the dip, and then has one or two chicken wings. He asked if I wanted to share an order of churros for dessert, and I told him I did not. I asked him if he would like to get an order of churros to take home with him, and he was happy with that. Sitting and watching him eat (or mostly neglect) the plate of chicken wings was more than enough for me.

    In a few minutes I will drive to the doctor’s office to get weighed. I am not expecting any great progress from two weeks ago. If I am down even half a kilo then I will consider it a win, after the disastrous week I had in Montreal… and even yesterday with the chips. On the bathroom scale this morning I did not gain weight, but I did not lose any either. After the weigh-in, I am having a minor surgical procedure to remove a couple of skin tags that have been bothering me for years. All told, I should be home by noon.

    For the first time since mid-July, I am having my apartment cleaned today. I do not live like a slob, and so it is not nearly as bad as it could be. I do so like having everything cleaned though. She does not do a great job, but she does well enough. When she is done (at 5:00pm) I will go for a long walk, having skipped yesterday.

    It is a lovely day out, and by the time I am ready for my walk, it should still be 22° Celsius out. That should make for great conditions for a comfortable walk, whether it be for 8km or longer. I will make that decision likely around the halfway point of my outing, based on what my body is saying to me.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 237

    It was no surprise this morning when I stepped onto the scale to discover I was up nearly half a pound. While the Goldfish crackers might have contributed to that, I suspect it was more just righting the tremendous drop from the day before. Losing six pounds in one day is unbelievable, and more often than not will right itself, as it did.

    If we assume that the tremendous walk was an offset for the cheat, I find myself exactly where I should be. Yes, I would like to get back below the 315lbs mark (as I was ever so briefly, a week ago today), but that will take a few more days. I would love to get to 310lbs by next Thursday when I am getting onto an airplane to see my wife! In the meantime, I am going to the doctor’s office tomorrow to get weighed, and I am truly hoping to be down at least 2kg from two weeks ago. If it wasn’t for that pesky trip to Montreal…

    While today is Tuesday, and I should in theory be going to Taekwondo, I am having dinner with my son the younger, and that will most likely conflict with the class. In case we end early (which is quite likely), I will take my dobok in the car with me. I would like to get back onto the mat, if possible, but at the same time, spending time with my son is more important.

    On that Taekwondo front, the 7:00pm class is for Black Belt preparation class, which will be good for me because I do need to relearn the patterns that I needed for lower levels. The 7:45pm class is the teen/adults class (all belts), so while it will be a good workout, I do not expect that it will help prepare me for my test… whenever that might be.

    Speaking of which, I just remembered that my Master called me last night, and I need to call him back. With luck, he might have time to meet for a coffee between my dentist appointment and meeting my son. If not, then hopefully later in the week.

    Thinking about it now, there is little chance I will be able to go for a walk today. Between now and 2pm there is a 70%-100% chance of rain every hour. At 2pm I have a dentist appointment. If I would not be sweating like a pig from it, I might walk in Oakville between the dentist and meeting my son, but there is no way to make that work. In the evening, I will either be with my son, or at Taekwondo. I am going to have an enforced day off. Fortunately, the forecast from tomorrow through Saturday is dry, so I’ll be able to get my steps in for the week.

    My plans for food are to make my chicken and salad for lunch, then a meal replacement or two in the evening. Hopefully I will be able to stick to the plan, especially with the enforced no-eating-for-an-hour-after-the-dentist zone.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Let’s Beat Ten!

    I set out with a bold path in mind for today’s walk. I had not walked since Friday, and I decided to expand on my normal local routes, which until today have all been around 8km. I was not sure when I set out how much farther my route today would be; I suspected it would be a little over 10km, maybe 10.5km. As it turns out, I was right… 10.45km, starting from the parking lot of my building, down to Mainway, across to Appleby Line, up to Dundas, then back down Walker’s Line to my parking lot. I made one pit stop at the 8km mark, popping into the gas station to pick up a bottle of Gatorade. I had finished my water bottle, and did not think it smart to try to make the last 2.5km without hydration.

    • Distance: 10.45km (10km)
    • Duration: 1:44:12 (1:41:33)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 9:58 (10:08)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 9m36 (9m44s)
    • Steps: 12.8k (12.6k)
    • Calories burned: 1,242 (1,188)
    • Elevation gain: 37 (62.7)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 122 (124)

    I did not break any speed records, only for distance; today was the longest walk I have recorded, besting my previous best by 450m and about 3 minutes. Five of ten kilometres was at or under the 10m00s pace, although my last 450m was on a pace for 9m33s. I did not need to be a hero to prove that I could do it; In truth, I also did not know that I was on pace to do that.

    While it was a terrible cheat, I carbed up for the walk with an indulgence of Goldfish crackers, which I should not have done. There are some athletes who benefit from the consumption of carbohydrates before a workout; I have never been one to notice a difference, and I do not think I did today. In truth, I think I might have felt heavier in my first two kilometres for having enjoyed that snack. I will try to be good the next few days. I will also try to skip one of today’s remaining meal replacements because I know that what I ate is much more than the 160 calories in a meal replacement.

    I am enjoying the book on tape that I am listening to, although it makes me want to reenlist in the Army to go fight the Nazis. Yes, it is one of those books that my father and his generation so revered – the Jewish community in Poland at the outset of World War 2, claiming that things are bad but at least they cannot get any worse… and the hero soldier fighter who wants them to pick up arms, all the while most of them are talking of forming a Jewish homeland. Leon Uris’ massive novel was on my father’s bookshelf for so many years, but I never thought to read it. Indeed, at the time I would have been intimidated by the size of it. I started listening to it on the drive home from Montreal and am enjoying it. That is not to say that it does not infuriate me from time to time… few Jewish soldiers would not be enraged by the progression of Nazism.

    Earlier today I went shopping for my provisions (forgetting to pick up more lettuce… oops). I decided to take my suits to the dry cleaner… to be specific, I took two suits, a sports jacket, a pair of pants, and one shirt to the dry cleaners. All of them were custom tailored when I originally lost all of my weight in 2017, and they fit again two years ago when I lost all of my weight the second time. Yes, this will now be the third time I have lost all of this weight, and while they do not fit me yet, they will in the next month to six weeks. I want them to be ready for when my wife comes to see me in November, so I can take her out dressed in a nice suit. The dry cleaner asked if it was okay if he only got them back on Saturday, I told him that would be fine. They may not fit yet… but there is room in my closets – both in Canada and in Dallas – for them for when they do fit… and that will be soon.

    It is time for me to hit the shower, and then take Her Royal Floofness on her walk. I got the Step Into September badge on Garmin Connect without any doubt today, but I still have responsibilities to my puppy to make sure she is taken care of, and is not forced to have accidents in the house. I will take her out after my shower. This evening, I will have another lovely cigar on the patio date with my wife. I do not think I have any other chores to do… although I know that tomorrow and Wednesday, I have a bunch of errands and doctors’ appointments on the book. Tonight, I can take it easy.

  • Day 236

    Phew.

    I suppose I should start with an explanation for that… as well as yesterday’s one-line post. Yesterday morning, after five days in Montreal, I stepped onto the scale. To my horror, I had gained 8.2lbs since Tuesday morning. I was heartbroken. I know that I ate poorly in Montreal, making more poor choices than I ought to, but over eight pounds in less than a week? Especially a week in which I went on three monster walks (8-10km each)? That was harsh.

    There are a few things I should mention about weighing myself on a regular basis:

    • My weight fluctuates depending on the time of day. That is not necessarily about what I have eaten that day, it is simply that at 9am I might weigh more or less than I do at 11am.
    • Changes to my sleep will affect my weight. For example, if I go to bed very late or very early one night, it will be affected.
    • Travel, whether by car or by airplane, always affects my weight for a day (and sometimes for two).
    • When I have a bad cheat day, the next day may be hell on the scale, but if it is only a single bad cheat day, it often works itself out the following day.

    Yes, I made a lot of bad decisions in Montreal, culminating in a series of bad decisions at the cigar garden party I went to on Saturday, and then more on the drive home. All of that, combined with the long car ride, the very late night, the very late morning, and weighing myself two hours later than I usually do… well, I was over eight pounds up from my previous weigh-in on Tuesday. I was really not happy… but Leslie reminded me that the travel day will affect me, and that I am usually so good, from time to time I am allowed to fall off the wagon… as long as I can pick myself up and get back onto it.

    Since I woke up late yesterday, I decided to not have my morning meal replacement. That decision was partly due to the fact that I felt like a fat pig from the weight gain, but mostly due to the fact that it was nearing 11:30am by the time I was ready to go, and I simply made myself lunch. I did end up taking a nap for a bit in the afternoon… I had so missed having my Princess Sophie cuddling in with me that it lasted longer than expected. We then went out for our walk before I settled onto the balcony for a cigar and a video date with my wife.

    As I prepared to step onto the scale this morning, I was hoping beyond hope that I would see a 3-lbs drop. It was all that I could hope for. Seeing the numbers on the scale announce a six-pound drop was just euphoric. I was so thrilled to not only be back below the 320lbs mark, but significantly so, was amazing.

    Knowing that at least part of my weight gain was not owing to the travel and timing, but to poor food choices, I doubt that the remaining 2.4 lbs will fall off tomorrow morning, but if I can lose them by the end of the week then I will be happy. Remember, next Thursday I am flying back to Dallas to be with my gorgeous wife, and I want to be looking my best for her. Yes, I am losing the weight for myself… but I think she deserves the best me that I can offer to her.

    It is going to be raining off and on today, and so I do not know if I will be able to take a walk. According to the hourly forecast, the rain should abate by 4pm, which means that I can hit the trails anytime after that. Not having walked since Friday, I would like to get in a good walk to start the week off. Also, there is a challenge on the Garmin Connect app to hit 100,000 steps between September 1-14. I am just over 14,000 steps shy of that goal, which means that a good showing today (even 10,000 steps) will guarantee that I hit it tomorrow, as any day that I do not fitness walk still hits 4,000 steps.

    I have to go shopping now so that I have food for lunch. I need chicken as well as vegetables, and we will see what else I might be missing.

    Have a great day folks!