Category: Despair
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Day 1255
I made a decision that I hope I can stick to. The day after my birthday (a week tomorrow) I am starting back on the full program. I have to get hold of myself, stress and anxiety and depression and despair be damned.
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Day 1253
A close friend came over for a cigar yesterday afternoon after I told him how horrible I was feeling. We are going to see each other today, but that will be in a group of people. He knew that I needed to talk privately. He asked me, after I gave him an update of what…
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Day 1252
I still feel like I have this pit in my stomach that is bringing my entire world down. Some people are telling me that it is obvious that I have gained a lot of weight, and that it is a shame that I have lost so much ground after how well I had done. How…
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Day 1250
The temperatures have been (and will continue to be) record-breaking in my part of the world. This afternoon it was a sunny 35° (which is not taking the humidex into account). Needless to say, it was not a bad day for me to have to sit at my desk and work all day… which is…
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Day 1247
I was not in much of a mood to write yesterday, which is almost a shame, seeing as I had my second straight night of good sleep with a >80 sleep score. It is a pity that the streak could not be extended to three days, but despite registering over eight hours of sleep, the…
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Day 1242
As planned, I spent the afternoon with one friend, then the evening with a group of buddies and brothers from my Lodge (and some of their families). It was a cross between a nice distraction and a horrible reminder of what I am going through. I need to get past the worst of my issues…
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Day 1241
I actually slept nine straight hours last night. Well, straight… broken up only by a trip to the latrine. My sleep score was over 80 for the first time in 11 days, and although according to my fitness watch last night’s 81 only rated as ‘good,’ after the week I’ve had it was simply luxuriant.…
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Day 1240
Yesterday after class I was walking with my dog and stopped to speak with a neighbour in the next building who is usually quite nice. He commented on my recent obvious weight loss. It was all I could do to not lash out at him and yell about all of the crap that is going…
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Day 1237
Another day, another not-so-great night of sleep. I have to figure out a way to start sleeping, lest I get to the end of the week and fall asleep in the middle of my class. We definitely cannot have that happening – my reputation is at stake! Today was the first time in three days…
Losing a part of me 