Losing a part of me

Category: Shopping

  • Day 1122

    I was completely shocked yesterday morning by the 2.2 lbs. gain over the previous day. It was the first time in a very long time that my weight was over 310, and I hated myself for it. I knew the reasons and I made the excuses, but I was devastated. This morning, as I prepared to step onto the bathroom scale, I girded myself, hoping that the number would be lower. It was… and significantly so. Yesterday’s 2.2 lbs. gain was more than wiped out by this morning’s 2.8 lbs. drop. Phew. I am still way too far over the terrible mark for comfort, but at least I dropped back below terrible plus ten.

    Because of all of the snow, I am not taking Her Floofness for the same long walks I usually would. It is not my decision – she looks at the snow and says ‘Nope! I’m going to do my business and then we can go back inside, and you can make me a cup of hot tea.’ No, she does not actually drink tea… but that’s the attitude she has! I went out twice besides the walks yesterday; once I picked up lunch for Leslie and me, and the other Leslie and I went out shopping. How it is that I amassed nearly 6,500 steps is beyond me. I do not anticipate doing much more than that today.

    We are going to head back to the supermarket today. The forecast is predicting 10cm of snow today, which is quite reasonable; tomorrow we are expecting another 30cm, which is not. For those of you who do not understand the metric system, that comes to nearly 4” of snow today… and nearly 12” tomorrow. While we are hoping that these predictions are exaggerated, we are nevertheless going to purchase whatever provisions we might need to be stuck in the house tomorrow. I want to make sure we have everything we might need.

    Aside from that, Leslie and I are going to spend a couple of quiet days together. We only have five days, and we are trying to make the most of them. I am praying that sometime soon we will be able to live together and, as so many other couples do, take for granted that ‘sure, I have to work tonight, and she is working during the day… but we’ll have tomorrow or the weekend to make up for it.’ We have these five days together, our first since the beginning of November, and our last until… we don’t know. We are really trying to make the most of it. That does not mean going out to fancy restaurants or socializing with others… we are just happy to be together for what little time we have.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1116

    A good 9”. I suppose there are contexts in which that is a good thing, but when it is how much snow fell overnight then it just means that slogging through it with a dog (who is not much taller than that) and digging my car out because that’s how much snow fell, then maybe not. Fortunately, the snow has abated, the sun is out, and the streets (and hopefully the sidewalks) are being plowed. It’s a good thing too… I have to do some shopping today. Yes, I need to buy the usual groceries, but I also need to go to a hardware store because the flush mechanism of my toilet broke, and while I don’t mind opening the top to pull the chain by hand, I will have to fix it eventually… and rather than wait for it, I figure it best to take care it before my wife arrives on Wednesday. I do not want to make her reach into the water every time she flushes. Yes, I have been washing my hands religiously each time… not because the water is dirty, but because of the blue puck chemicals that are in there. Yuck.

    I have been eating badly these last few days, so I was shocked to see that my weight dropped again this morning… significantly. I weigh less than I did right before leaving for Montreal, which is good. I expected that with the stress and anxiety I’ve been eating that my weight would be above 310 lbs. still. Nope. PHEW! I am still a bit more than six pounds heavier than the terrible mark, but at least it’s not worse… with everything I’m going through it could have easily been much worse.

    I have to find a way to get back on track. Hopefully with Leslie coming for a few days I will be able to get a bit of a handle on myself.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1019

    My weight was up this morning by more than a pound. As we know, yesterday was a travel day and airports are not conducive to good eating. After Leslie and her son dropped me off I got through the security checkpoint and then found a pub where I could safely get a plate of fish and chips – not great for my diet, but safe for my dietary restrictions. I then boarded the plane with a bag of almonds and cashews which I had picked up earlier in the week. All in all, I did not eat terribly. The problem is that I am still backed up! I am hoping that sometime today that will begin to pass. If not, then I am thinking I might want to take a laxative, or at the very least some fibre. We will see how the day goes.

    My sleep score dropped down to a 67 this morning. I am not surprised because I got into the apartment very late last night, and after greeting Her Royal Floofness I did some unpacking (I wanted to make sure that all of my cigars were properly stored in my humidor), and then did not really get to sleep until 1:30am or so. Despite that I did not sleep in… I was awake around 7:15am as usual, and probably tumbled out of bed around 7:30am. I dove into my usual morning routine, including taking the Princess for her walk, and the day went from there. Hopefully I will sleep better this evening… we’ll see.

    I am auditing a class this week that is set in the Pacific time zone which means I’ll be learning from noon until 8:30pm… a bit of an offset from the norm, but not terrible. I will not be adjusting my wake/sleep schedule at all, but I will adjust my eating as necessary. It is now 1:30pm and I just had my lunch… which for the first time in a long time consisted of a meal replacement shake. Yes, per what I wrote several hours ago in the previous paragraph, I added fibre to it. I will be preparing a full meal for dinner, which I will prepare for the mid-class break (around 3:00pm local time). I will likely have another meal replacement after class (around 8:30pm) but that is all I plan to eat today.

    I went shopping this morning and despite all of the temptations I was true to my plans… I bought milk (despite the expiry date the milk in my fridge had turned), eggs, and vegetables for salad. Nothing more. I was tempted by so many things… and bought none of them. It is a small victory because I will have to do this again and again every time I shop. I know that sometimes I will fail, but I will try to succeed more often. As a simple example, I looked at the bakery section… and walked by. Yes, I like to have a fresh roll with my breakfast, but I was strong and did not buy them… today. I will have to continue to be strong.

    I suppose I should be paying closer attention to my class so I will close here. See you all tomorrow folks!

  • Day 859

    I made a huge miscalculation yesterday that could have gone badly. Fortunately, I think things worked out. At around 11:15am I wrote in my journal that I was ready to start my workout. That is not what happened. I ended up answering some emails including questions from my students (that were somehow asked of the customer service desk, so I got them third hand, and still needed (or wanted) to answer them before class), as well as a number of emails to a couple of different consulates. By the time I actually started my workout, it was a few minutes after 12pm. The problem with that is that I had taken my morning shake at around 8:30am, which means I was nearing the four-hour mark since I’d eaten and should probably have prepared my second shake before working out. Not thinking, I figured I’d be fine.

    I jogged 4km at a quicker pace than previous – I upped it from 4 to 4.3mph, which brought me down to about 8m50/km. From there I dropped to a brisk walk (3.5mph) for another fourteen minutes or so. My total distance was 4.83km in 50 minutes. Great. The problem was that I was so drained of energy that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to get undressed, let alone make it to the shower,

    I managed to do all of that, but before I got dressed, I prepared my second shake. I was still completely shot after that and made the decision that I needed to go to the store to pick up some almonds. This was both a good and a bad decision. It was good because I definitely needed more energy. It was completely stupid because when you are in that state of mind, everything is a temptation. There is a saying that you should never do your grocery shopping when you are hungry, and I know that to be true. As I walked by the sushi counter, past the bakery, and then on my way out past the prepared food and soup counters I knew how easy it would be to just have a nip. Driving home with the bag of almonds open next to me I was still thinking that maybe I should just switch to my ‘adjusted’ program, where I have one full meal per day. Would that be so bad? I seem to recall doing pretty well on that…

    Not yet Mitch! It was just yesterday that I wrote about how much time it took to lose the weight, and how easily and quickly I put it all back on. I need to be mindful, and I need to be focused. I bought the usual serving of almonds, and I ran off to the car. When the thought about the roasted chicken I could be making for myself, I was relieved knowing that I had left the store, and that I do not have any of it in the house.

    I had a video date with Leslie when I got back from the store, but I was really weak and a bit lightheaded. I decided that if I was going to make it through my class in the evening then I needed to rest, so I got into bed, set my alarm, and took a nap for an hour. Phew! I made it through the class, and the day ended well. I was still asleep earlier than I normally would be, but Leslie understood. Princess Sophie even joined me on the bed for an hour before returning to her own bed.

    This morning was the first day that I did not lose any weight. It is a day later than I had anticipated, and I am fine with it. It is the second day in a row that I am not able to cross a number off on my fridge chart and knowing that I am a single down-day away from that is a bit teasing. At 280.2 lbs., the next day that I drop any weight will have me down to my second ‘decade’ – the 10-pound delineations – as well as that fridge chart mark. It would have been nice to hit them both this morning, but it will also be nice to hit it tomorrow morning.

    This morning, I am going to go to pick up my dry cleaning, as well as milk for my coffee. I realized only after I got home yesterday that I was running low, but it worked out well because in the state that my mind and body were in yesterday afternoon, it would have been a bad idea to have to walk through the supermarket. I have little doubt that I would have caved to temptation. I am now feeling much stronger. As I type this, I am finishing my morning meal replacement (and first cup of coffee) so if I go immediately after then I will be sated and strong. There are three things on my shopping list for the trip: Milk, one emergency stash of almonds (which I will keep in the car so as to not be close at hand when I get hungry), and my dry cleaning. That’s it.

    I have a couple of friends coming over today for different reasons and at different times, and both of them will be sitting on the balcony with me enjoying a cigar. One of them is starting the same program that I am on through the same clinic that I first did it with today, so I will be giving him a lot more advice than he will be giving me (as he is my mentor for Freemasonry it is usually the inverse). If I head out now, then I will be able to fit a workout in before my first buddy comes, so I’m going to hit the road.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 846

    After nearly a week of it, my weight is finally back down under 285 lbs. this morning. I was not worried by what I ate yesterday, but I confess I was a little concerned because of the huge (and marbled (read: fatty) steak that Lyle brought over and prepared for our dinner. It was delicious, and seeing my weight drop a full 2.4 lbs. on the bathroom scale made me glad that I enjoyed it as much as I did… not to mention the fabulous dram of whisky that we enjoyed with our post-steak cigars.

    I suspect that one of the contributing factors both to yesterday’s weight gain and this morning’s severe weight drop is the extremely successful voiding of my bowels yesterday after lunch. I had not exactly been backed up the last few days, but maybe I had not been going as well as I might have. That ended yesterday. My stomach was still unsettled for a few hours, but I felt five pounds lighter.

    Today is another day of teaching from 10am to 10pm, and I am going to get through it without a problem. My student during the daytime class (yes, I have one single student) is a great guy and we are having a good time going through the material that he really wants to learn at his pace, which makes my life a bit easier. I still will not have the time to go shopping today, which means that the only ‘cheat’ that I have in the house is an apple… so if I do feel a bit peckish in the afternoon then I will eat one. I have a half of a chicken that I’ve already cooked which I will eat for lunch, and for dinner I will probably enjoy a couple of meatless burgers. Both will be accompanied by a salad, although I might cheat and air fry some frozen French fries with the burger. We’ll see.

    It seems to be a lovely if windy day out, and I am going to try to run out to the grocery store at a certain point to get milk and chicken for tomorrow. Tomorrow is my last daytime class of the week, and tomorrow evening I am not teaching, so I can go to the store and take my time. For now, I need the provisions to get through tomorrow end of workday, and I need to be back as quickly as possible. If the stores around here were open until 10:00pm I’d be able to go after class, but they are not… and I am teaching until 9:00pm.

    One more thing that I need to do: I need to reach out to my diet buddy and to get back on track with our check-in calls. We have both dropped that ball… it is time to pick it up.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 844

    After two terrible days in which I was up a disgusting 5.4 lbs., it was small relief to see another drop on the bathroom scale this morning; even so, I am only down three pounds in the last two days, so I am still net up from Thursday morning, and still over that dreaded 285 mark. It is some comfort to know that while I flirted with it, I did not actually hit the 290 mark. I know that this has all been my fault, and all because of some terrible decisions that I and I alone made. My emotional state be damned, I cannot falter like this. Saturday morning I had gained fifty pounds from my best weight in October, and my clothes do not fit me properly. I have to get back on track.

    I went shopping yesterday and followed the plan. I purchased chicken, eggs, vegetables, and cleaning products. The only cheat item was yoghurt, which I am fairly certain has aided my morning bowel movements. If I can limit them to two per day then I should be fine. If I cannot then I deserve to be a fat slob.

    Last night I lit three candles for Yom HaZikaron – Israel’s Remembrance Day for our fallen soldiers and victims of terror attacks. I wrote the following and posted it on Facebook and LinkedIn:

    Some gave all; all gave some.

    In memory of my brothers from my Army days, both those who made it… and those who did not. Every year on Yom HaZikaron I light the best cigar in my humidor and I lift a dram to their memory and to their honour. I always say that Remembrance Day is not for soldiers to remember… we remember every day of our lives; Remembrance Day is a day for those who did not serve to reflect on what we gave for our countries, and to remember those who did not make it back… or who came back injured, dismembered, disfigured, or with mental trauma from which they might never recover.

    Every year I light a yahrtzeit candle for our fallen brothers. This year I lit one more for those who were massacred on October 7, and for the ones who have fallen in our efforts to retrieve our hostages and to destroy Hamas. I lit a third candle, but not a yartzeit candle, to show the world that all of our remaining hostages are in our minds and in our hearts every day; if every Jew and friend of a Jew or of the Jewish people were to do the same, maybe together we could make a light so bright that the hostages will see that light.

    The full name of the day in Hebrew is יוֹם הזִּכָּרוֹן לְחַלְלֵי מַעַרְכוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל וּלְנִפְגְעֵי פְּעֻלּוֹת הָאֵיבָה‎, or Yom HaZikaron le’chalilei ma’arechot yisrael ve’l’nifge’ei peulot ha’Eiva… or in English: ‘Memorial Day for the Fallen Soldiers of the Wars of Israel and Victims of Actions of Terrorism.’ This year, more than ever, we have all felt the effects of terrorism and war… and the hatred and lies that our enemies spread about us around the world. This year, more than ever, it is important to remember what we as Israelis – and by extension every Jew in the world – live with. It is also equally important to remember that we will continue to survive… and to remember our fallen.

    I stand with Israel. The nation of Israel is alive. We always have been… and we always will be.

    I sat on my balcony smoking my cigar and remembering my friends… and the others. I did not eat and I only drank a cup of tea, which I consider a small victory.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 843

    I forgot to post yesterday. I just had one of those days when I vegged all day and did not do much of anything. If I had posted, then I would have written that I was extremely upset with myself because I bought four rolls on Friday and ended up eating all of them. It was no surprise that my weight was up yesterday morning to my highest weight since January of 2023. I weighed 289.2, and it was small wonder that my weight stayed below 290 lbs. I kicked myself, and then I ate properly yesterday. I dropped two pounds this morning, and will continue to eat properly.

    I have to go to the store today because I have an extremely busy week ahead, which was not supposed to be the case. Friday afternoon I was given a daytime class to teach this week, which means that with my evening classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I will be teaching tomorrow and Wednesday from 10am to 9pm. Long days indeed. I have enough food for today, but as I will likely not have the time to go to the supermarket tomorrow I will be doing my grocery shopping today. I will bypassing the bakery for sure, and will only be buying chicken, vegetables, and eggs… along with some cleaning supplies that I need. I have been saying all along that I need to get back on track, and that means getting my mindset back into it. Mindfulness and focus and resolve have to be my focus. That means that I will not be buying eggrolls or bread or any of the other little cheats that I like to pretend are things that I can only have a reasonable portion of. I will not buy peanuts. There will be no snacking this week. A buddy might be coming over Tuesday evening to barbecue, and he would be bringing steaks and potatoes. If he does, then that will be the only starch that I allow myself this week. I have no Lodge meetings this week so that wouldn’t be an issue (I ate poorly at the dinner Thursday evening as well), so I will not be tempted.

    I hate that my pants are so tight that I have to suck my belly in to close the few pair that actually fit… and that my beautiful jackets mostly do not close. I hate that I have lost my way. The only solution is to get back on track. Fortunately I have the support of my friends and my beautiful wife to fall back on if I feel weak.

    This evening into tomorrow is Yom Hazikaron… Israel’s Remembrance Day. For the first time I will light two candles… one for my friends and brothers, and one for the hostages in Gaza. May they all return home soon.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 783

    I did not expect to lose weight this morning. I was discouraged last night, and I had not one but two rolls with avocado butter and strawberry jam after I had already eaten my dinner. I was expecting, following the trend of the last few weeks, to actually gain more weight. Fortunately, that was not the case; in fact, my weight gain from yesterday was reversed. No more, but also no less. I can live with that. I am going to try to do better today, starting with not buying more rolls. The next bread that I will buy will be for the Sabbath prayers Friday evening.

    I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to every reader who reaches out to me after a bad day. You really do help tremendously!

  • Day 749

    I seem to be a day behind in my thinking… or I lost a day along the way somewhere. I have been thinking today was Wednesday, so when my countdown timer to my trip showed that I was just under three-days away I was confused. Did I accidentally input Saturday instead of Sunday? No… it turns out I am just a bit skewed. Yes, in sixty-five hours I will be catching my ride to the airport, and by just past noon three days from now I will be in Havana. I can hardly wait!

    I cheated again last night, but apparently not as bad as I had the previous days. My weight dropped all of what I gained yesterday morning, pulling me away from the precipice of that 270 lbs. mark. Still and all, I have to find a way to stop cheating!

    My doctor asked me yesterday if I had considered speaking with a professional about my emotional problems. I told her that I do not feel that I am ready for that. I also assured her that I have a good support system around who I speak to, and who are looking out for me. She also told me that my tests came back clear (although one is still pending), and that she is happy that I am exercising.

    Speaking of exercise: I did a full 5km on the treadmill yesterday, and I did the whole thing at the higher pace of 4.2 mph. My ankle did not hurt, but it did remind me that it was there. Now that I have properly calibrated my fitness watch, it is reporting a pace of 8m50s per kilometre which seems slow to me. I know that when I was running outside last summer, I was doing a kilometre in under 8m, and I am not sure that I was running much harder than I did yesterday. I know that I am just ramping up again, and that I am probably not going quite as fast as I was… but I also suspect it is possible that the treadmill’s calibration might not be exactly right. Oh well… I ran for just under 45 minutes, and that is a win for me by any measure.

    Once I finish this article, I am going to go to run a couple of errands… including the trip to Costco that I have been putting off. I have already taken my gift card and an item I’ve been meaning to return and placed them by the door. I also want to stop at the bank to pick up some US dollars (although I will have to make another trip to the bank to pick up my Euros, but I have my reasons). I will come home and make a reasonable lunch. In the afternoon my friend Eduardo is coming over for a cigar. Hopefully I will have time between these to run on the treadmill, but if not then I will be able to do it this evening. I am serious about getting back into the habit of running, and not just forcing myself to do it. To that end, I need to make sure that I do it when I am in Cuba as well… which means I will be jogging in the streets. That sounds like fun!

    See you tomorrow folks.

  • Day 721

    After too many days of slight gains, it was a relief to see a significant drop on the bathroom scale this morning. I was dangerously close to the 270 lbs. mark which is not where I want to be. I am going to try to do today what I did yesterday… with one exception.

    What is it, you ask, that I did yesterday different from recent days? For one thing, I had a meal replacement shake for lunch. I did not do this for weight management but rather for time management… I thought I had a lunchtime meeting, so I made the shake so as to be able to participate in the meeting. I sat in the empty Zoom room for thirty minutes before realizing I was a day off on my timing – the meeting is today. Okay, so I will have a meal replacement for lunch again today; maybe I will like what I see on the bathroom scale again tomorrow morning.

    I am going to have to go shopping this afternoon between my afternoon and evening class. While I think I have enough to eat for today and tomorrow (and am flying to Dallas very early Saturday morning), I also know that I am flying home late Wednesday evening, and if I do not shop before I leave then I will not have eggs in the house for breakfast on Thursday… which will be a good excuse to go out to eat at a restaurant. I would rather not have that temptation.

    I’ll see you all tomorrow.